The fear of being forgotten, forgetting, ignored or replaced.
Four months after sam had left, the boys hadn't noticed, only Colby and it was eating him alive. He didn't know why Sam felt that way, he couldn't believe that Sam felt like that.
"Guys, we should really think about getting a new roommate." Corey mentioned in the middle of rocket league, Elton agreed as they battled it out for first place.
"We drove Sam away what makes you think we won't drag the next one away?"
"Sam left Colby, not our fault."
Colbys teeth gritted as they continued to play. "He left because we didn't acknowledge his presence assholes, this is why he fucking left." Standing up, he dropped the bowl he was holding as it smashed on the floor.
"Dude the fuck."
"No, I'm done with this shit. I know now why he left. You guys drove him away, I drove him away." Colby bolted out of the room and into the street, pulling out his phone he dialed Sams number and waited.
"Hello?"
"Sam? I just need you to tell me where you are, I messed up bad and I'm sorry for what happened." Colby got in his car, turning the engine on and driving out of the driveway.
"I don't want to speak to you Colby."
"I want more you of you, more of this, more of us, together. Just us." The line went silent as Sam thought about his answer, Colby was growing antsy. "Look if you don't tell me I'll find where you are and I'll apologise myself when I get there."
"Fine, fine Jesus."
********
Pulling up outside his house, he got out and knocked on the door, loud and several times. His heart felt heavy as he thought about the harm he had caused Sam over the four months he was gone.
"Hi Colby."
Pushing past him, he closed the door and embraced Sam in the biggest hug he's ever done before, he started literally sobbing for a good two minutes as Sam just rubbed his back, Colby was muttering something under his breathe as Sam just embraced the touch he's so desperately wanted for the longest time.
"Mind explaining to me what your doing here?" He asked once Colby straightened himself out. "Why are you here?"
"I-"
"Sam did you finish the coffee pot this morning?" Katrina came bounding around the corner, rainbow shirt on and hair in a tight ponytail. "Colby, you bastard what are you doing here? Cant you see you've done enough!"
"I actually came here to apologise."
Katrina scoffed and went for the coffee pot, Colby turned the corner as Sam said he was going to go get a jacket, since he was freezing.
"You know, I know how you feel about him." She whispered out, her eyes keen on the staircase in case he came back down.
"What?"
"Friends don't look at each other the way you guys use to, before you starting ignoring him and forgetting he existed. Just friends don't act the way you guys use to but you hurt him Colby, more than the boys did, because he cared for you more than he ever did for them."
"How do you know that?"
"Me and Sam have been best friends since we were in college together Colby, he told me everything, he still does."
"But-"
"Okay now what did you want to tell me?" Sams annoyed voice echoed as he bounced down the stairs. Colby turned and looked at Sam in his oversized hoodie, Katrina giggled beside him as she watched his face change, before skipping off.
Colby flipped her off mentally before grabbing Sams hand and leading them back upstairs, entering Sams room and closing the door behind them.
"I am so sorry that I made you feel like that, truth be told I felt the complete opposite for you, I wasn't trying to forget you or erase you, that's the last thing I'll ever want to do."
"But you did it anyway, you hurt me and made me feel small, weak, disposable."
"You are not disposable!" Colby pleaded with him as he stood up, standing in front of him.
"You made it seem like I was!"
"Your my best friend, I never wanted you to feel like that, ever!"
"Remember the time I painted my nails? I painted my toenails while you were talking to Shea, i needed something to distract myself so I wouldn't cup your jaw and kiss you. When you told me she was beautiful, I tried to become her, eating my personality away to better suit your type because I so desperately wanted you to see me as more than a friend. But even then, I tried to make you notice me but you only noticed her perfect straight hair, her straight teeth and the mismatched freckles. One time when we were at the supermarket and you were so surprised by something I said, you brought me into your arms for a swift hug and that was the last hug I ever got from you. Careful you had said: keep that up and I might fall in love."
Colby smiled at the memories as Sam continued, passion pouring out into every word.
"You told me she was funny, I started cracking jokes more at every opportunity. You told me she was brave, so I started acting recklessly, you told me she was intelligent, I studied. Trust me, don't worry. Nothing I do will ever get you to love me and I left because if I couldn't get you to somehow love me without forcing it on you, then I sure as hell couldn't get you to remember me and not throw me aside for the perfect blonde girl."
"Sam.."
"Is that true or not Colby."
"It's true, you felt I was pushing you away.. I never deserved you, as a friend, never deserved your feelings or-" sitting down on the bed again. "Your love."
"Hey, don't you dare say that!" He replied annoyed, his bright blue ocean eyes boring into Colbys.
"I don't. You're so amazing and caring and someone like me doesn't deserve someone like you, especially after what I did." Colby tried to convince himself, what he was doing was wrong and this would only ever happen again, but all Sam did was simply sit down beside him and hold his hand.
"I love you Colby, you hurt me so much but you coming here today and completely being vulnerable and admitting what you did, that shit only makes me love you even more."
Colby raised his head and smiled sadly at him, his bottom lip quivering as he stared at his best friend, the only emotion he was feeling was love.
"It is you. It's always been fucking you. I can't describe it anymore, it's you. You are the only one that I will ever want, I belong with you, whether now or later. You are my home. I look at you and somehow I can see myself 50 years from now on the front porch of some old house in the middle of nowhere and we're together. I need you. Your the only thing that matters to me."
Colby cried as he spoke, he didn't want to make Sam feel like an outsider or a nuisance, so he hugged him and cried as Sam held him. Kissing his head lovingly.
"I'm so sorry."
"Colby I love you, stop crying. I forgive you."
Sam lifted his head and kissed him softly, Colbys hands clutching his waist and pulling him onto his lap.
"I'll never do that to you again."
"Shut up."
Connecting their lips again, Colby smiled and pushed them backwards onto the bed.
Colby never let go of Sam ever again .
- T H E E N D -
