random stuff, personal notes, etc.

well-

Uhmm today's April 19th, around 6pm, and uh, I didnt really work on my book in the last week but thats bcs its reaaaaaaally stressful for me atm, I have kinda many exams in the next 2 weeks, but after I'm finished with them, in May ig, I'll be writing more I promise rjdndkdjsj😭

Uhh also, I yesterday i started like, a small uhhh, let's call it experiment,,,,, and uh 10 times. I started YESTERDAY. 10 times pls it makes me wanna cry so hard what is this. 10 times my family acted out, but not like normal, those times made me wanna cry, every single one of them. 10 times. 10 times I thought about running away because those situations were so triggering for me. Maybe I'm just overreacting or idfk, but I'm sure its not normal.

Its 7pm rn, and I feel like crying again. Part bcs I dont understand maths, but atm I feel like I cant breathe. Its kinda weird idk, the air feels so heavy, its kinda hard to describe. My parents are renovating the living room the whole day, they already painted the walls and all that, and rn they're making room for our new floor. My room is full of things, even a part of the couch is here, and the room isn't really that big, so I literally have no room left. I also have to watch my siblings the whole day, and my head hurts. In the last hour, they acted out once again, so its 11 times now. I really just wanna leave, ik I cant run away, but just for an hour or smth go out. But I cant, bcs 1. My parents wouldn't let me (I'm not even allowed to stay outside till 19pm in summer holidays so they will say no);2. I still have to do sm school work, 3. Everybody will act out again and yell and whatever if I go outside now and ask smth. They're not in the best mood today (again..)

I just dont know anymore. At Friday I have a dentists appointment at like, 12 o'clock, so even if I would leave now, I would have to come back on Thursday or Friday, and that wouldn't bring anything. My parents would just get furious if I would leave now, they would say I'm selfish and stuff, and what do I know other things. Also I have to go to school on Wednesday, thursday and Friday, so they would surely wait at my school for me. So it wouldn't bring anything.

I feel like vomiting rn, like I'm not hungry even tho I almost ate nothing today, just, yeah. I feel cold, but I still feel hot, is that weird? Like in one moment I feel like I'm freezing and then I suddenly feel like it has 40 degrees or smth idk
Maybe I'm ill-
Nahhhh, I don't feel ill at all
I probably just imagine that, meh

Tbh my tooth still kinda hurts, I mean my brother broke a piece apart 3 days ago, but meh, it still lowkey hurts.
And it feels so uncomfy istg pls
Just bcs I wanted him to give me the water bottle bcs he had it in his hand pls ;-;

Kinda feel bad for ranting now idk ._.
I should go make some hw bye ig-