random stuff, personal notes, etc.

LOL HI MFS

November 16th 2021; around 10pm

Lol hi losers

the year is almost over crying wtf

I just finished my German hw im so tired man

The government is confusing me sm because the unvaccinated ppl are in lockdown since yesterday but like some people of those politicians or whoever that was said that the lockdown will probably end pretty soon, then another one said that they will maybe do a lockdown for everyone, including the vaccinated ppl Like it was before, and the situation for teenagers between 12 and 15 years apparently can do everything normally but I'm also not sure about that??? Idk man

School itself is getting exhausting too man like at the start of the year first 2 months it was pretty good my motivation i mean, but like atm it's going downhill

And my mental state

Well

Let's just say it's getting worse every few days

Also today a few of my relatives cane over because today is like a serbian event for our guardian angel of our family so my grandparents and other grandma came over together with my aunt uncle and cousin and we had a really big meal together like it was so much food like gawddahyum

And like this year was the first time it was being hosted by my parents, all years before it was hosted by my grandparents but they gave it over to my dad, their firstborn son, to do it because they are getting old and stuff so like yeah now my fam has to do all this stuff

And im telling yall my mom cooked the whole day yesterday like literally

She made a whole bread, chicken noodle soup, bean soup(?), schnitzel, beef braten, potato salad, and she did everything herself because it's tradition so she cooked quite literally the whole day yesterday

My grandma also brought sarma, that's like krautblätter filled with faschiertem und reis (its really good) and all in all it was so much food yeah

It was also really good, i mean it's good every year but yeah

Anyways the thing that ruined my evening was my brother (again) haha

I was already having a bad day because I almost failed maths, I had a headache the whole day and I don't really enjoy family dinners, meetings etc ykwim, so like my day was alr pretty bad

But then let's add the fact that my sanity today just got worse and worse

So let's start at the beginning

I decided to wear a skirt today because yesterday I randomly had a really good fit idea and like yeah I wanted to do that

So I wore a skirt

To my surprise I wasn't cold

But my fit wasn't completed and it didn't work like I thought in the morning but I was still positive and was like "doesn't matter it probably still looks pretty good"

Haha spoiler 1 I don't have a full body mirror in my home so I did not see my full body in the fit until school

Spoiler 2 it did not look like i thought lol

Btw we have a full body mirror in our class so like when I arrived in school that's when I first saw my whole fit on me

Well yeah let's just say I suddenly felt really uncomfortable and wanted to just go home

So that's that, I felt uncomfortable the rest of the school day, and then I got home

Ofc I changed into some more comfortable pants because yeah I just did not feel good in a skirt

Also that's the reason I don't like wearing skirts but I always forget about that 😭 I just get so uncomfortable after a short time because 1 my legs are obv showing and just my body is showing more and makes me uncomfortable because I don't like how my body looks yeah

But yeah so I changed and felt a bit more comfortable

But then later

When I was eating with my family and stuff bla bla

I just wanted to eat in peace once without thinking too much about how much I'm eating in that moment but ofc that's not possible if my brother is present

And the shit he said still messes with my head rn but I can't do anything about it because i know he's right

He said "how can you eat sm omfg, not even I eat so much"

I hate this asshole so much honestly

Anyways after he said that I finished what I was eating and didn't eat till now because he's an asshole but hes right it just really is not nice that when it's the only time you don't want to think about how much you're eating without worrying and shit someone else makes a remark about it and reminds you of what usually your head does

Yeah my evening after that was really not nice, not because of my relatives, I really enjoyed the talks with them because I don't see them too often these days but it's just this one little remark about my eating that destroyed everything for me idk

But like the funny thing is nobody even noticed the change of my behaviour so idk man

Only good thing today was that my brother got bullied by my cousin again that's really funny lmao

God I'm so tired pain this was so exhausting today I feel like throwing up man

But the thing that I keep repeating in my head is the question "did I really eat that much" because I was actually already low-key trying not to eat too much, I even skipped some of the foods but apparently what I ate was still very much

This is so frustrating man

Okay I got to stop now because if I continue I'm gonna cry and I don't want to cry rn so bye