Planning Your Future

On My Own

April 17, 1992

Veronica's POV

I'm packing up my stuff in Biology. "Hey, Veronica." Zoe approaches me. "Oh hey Zoe." I smile. "So JD mentioned that it was his birthday tomorrow, and you two are obviously close so I was wondering what he likes. I'm trying to get him a gift." I've felt bad for Zoe this past month. She really likes JD but he is afraid to start dating. "Well he's been needing more music for his sax. He also reads a lot of law books. You might think it sounds boring, because it is, but he loves them.

Then I remember I made a list. "This has all the things he's mentioned he wants." I hand it to her. "Thanks, I appreciate it." Zoe hugs me. "I owe you." She says as she leaves. "It's no problem."

April 18, 1992

JD's POV

I try to keep up with Kyle. I regret letting him include me in his work out. "You know, this isn't how I wanted to start my birthday." I pant. "Your birthday isn't a reason to stop your routine." Kyle reminds me. "Technically it's your workout routine." Kyle laughs, "It's yours now."

We get back to the residence hall. "So has Zoe finally asked you out?" He asks. "Kyle. I'm not ready for a new relationship. And that's not a conversation I want to have today." I drink from my water bottle. "I'm pretty sure you said the same on Veronica's birthday. Speaking of which: are you sure you two are completely done?" I wish people would stop asking that. "Yes. Her and Alyssa are in a good place and I'd be a dick to take that away. Besides, being single is great for getting school done." Kyle obviously doesn't believe me. I'm telling the truth but I'm also lying. I am happy for them but it's not great being single.

I spend my afternoon doing homework. "Why is my roommate so boring?" Kyle whines. "I am just trying to be a good student. You should join me. You can help me work out and I'll help you study." I suggest. "I'll think about it. You loser." He lightly hits me. "I'm serious!" I call after him as he walks out.

I'm finishing an essay when there's a knock at the door. "Come in!" I yell. Zoe walks in. "Hey!" She hands me something that's been wrapped. "Happy birthday!" I unwrap it. It's a book I'd wanted but I didn't feel like spending money on it. "You bought 'Vision of Glass' for me?" I thought the book seemed cool when I saw it in the store. It's your typical crime book but I thought I'd enjoy it. "How'd you know I wanted this?" I know I didn't tell Zoe about it. "I figured Veronica would know what to get you. She showed me this list of everything you said you wanted." Veronica told her? I forgot she was with me when I saw it. I smile. Of course she did. "Thanks, Zoe." I touch her arm.

"So I was wondering if you wanted to go to this play with me on Next Friday?" She says as I go to sit back down. "Sorry Zoe, I can't." I say. "You can't or you won't?" Why now? I turn around, "Zoe I really don't want to talk about this." She shakes her head, "Yeah you keep saying that but I never get a reason. If you don't like me I wish you would say that! If you don't like me I get that. Just tell me if that's the case." Her voice gets louder. "I do like you. But I just went through a very painful breakup and have to see my ex girlfriend with someone else everyday. I can't let someone in because I don't want to get my heart broken again. If I'm on my own, I won't get hurt."

A tear falls down Zoe's cheek. "I know that was hard. But do you know how hard it's been for you to keep putting me off? All I get is a "maybe some other time" and never a reason why. She may have broken your heart, but you don't even see what you're doing to mine." She walks out. I set the book down on my desk. Dammit.

I get dressed and meet my friends at the restaurant. Veronica hugs me. I look around, "Alyssa didn't come?" I figured she would. "She didn't want to intrude on your birthday dinner." That's sad. I really like Alyssa. I'm a little disappointed she's dating my ex, but I still like her. I let it go so we can enjoy the night. We eat and then I have open presents.

I open Kyle's which has a new crate for my hamster. "That crate is way too small for poor Slushy." He's been complaining that I need to get a bigger crate for him. "Yeah well you know who bought that one?" I point to Veronica. "Okay well I didn't know much about hamsters. You've had a year to learn how to take care of him. He's not my responsibility." She argues. "Fair." I probably should have learned about what kind of crate he needed.

I open Erika's. "Are these my textbooks?" At first I think she stole my textbooks from my room and wrapped them for me to open. "Yes and no. They are your textbooks. But notice how they aren't tattered and slightly moldy." So she got me new ones. Also in my defense, they came in that condition. I didn't have the money to buy all new textbooks, so I got used ones. "I appreciate it."

Finally, it's Veronica's. "By the way, there's a few cards in there from people back home." She says as I pull out a card. It's from Robert telling me he misses his intern. There's two from Heather and from Hank and my mom. Then I get to Veronica's gift. I reach in, pulling out a VHS tape of the movie Pump Up The Volume. "Remember when we saw that in the theater? You loved it. You said you loved Christian Slater's character." We watched it shortly after we started school at Harvard. "You remembered?" I figured she would have forgotten. "Of course I remembered. You wouldn't shut up about it." I did annoy her a lot talking about it on the way home. I hug her, "I love it." I can feel her smile against my shoulder. "I'm glad." When we separate, I look at her. God I hate that things are weird between us. I don't want them to be. I want to be happy for her. I want to be able to move on. "Excuse me." I go sit outside.

Veronica joins me. "Are you okay?" She sits down. "Zoe asked me out today." I tell her. "Oh." She probably doesn't know whether that's good or not. "Then we got into a fight because she felt like I was stringing her along. And the truth is: I was. I'm just so afraid to move on from you that I'm hurting her in the process." I feel horrible. "How do you feel about her?" Veronica puts her hand on my shoulder. "I really do like her. She's funny, pretty, sweet, and super smart. I'm just conflicted." I sigh. "Why are you afraid to move on from me?" She asks. "Because I... I feel like if I do: that's it. We'll never be able to get back together. I don't want that tiny piece of hope to be gone. But I know that's selfish. You and Alyssa are genuinely happy and I'm still hoping we have a chance." I want to move on, but that fear is holding me back. "Maybe Zoe can help you move on. Maybe she can help you get to a place where you can let me go." Maybe she's right. Actually: she is right. "Hey, I need to go. I'll see you later." I jump in my car and drive back to the school.

I knock on the door, hoping she's not out. Zoe opens the door and tries to shut it when she sees it's me. "Zoe wait." I beg her. "What?" She crosses her arms. "I'm sorry. What I did wasn't fair to you. You don't deserve for someone to treat you like that." I tell her. If you're not ready then that's fine. Just tell me how you really feel about us." I respond by kissing her. "That's how I feel." I whisper. "Are you sure?" She asks. "Yes. I am sure." I nod. "Great." She kisses me, closing the door behind us.