Can't forget you [a Kyle O'Reilly story]

13 Despair and anger

Kyle POV

Grunting, I punched and kicked the heavy punching bag, hoping to get rid of at least a part of my despair and anger. But it had no effect. I had tried it so many times, but it had not helped so far. Why should that change today of all days?

I felt the looks of the others digging into my back. I turned around and gave them an annoyed look.

"What?" I barked.

"Nothing. We're just wondering if you're ultimately going to freak out when we talk to you now," Bobby said, looking at me with concern.

"I'm not freaking out. I'm working out. Something you guys should try too instead of watching me all the time." I hissed at them.

"Listen, Kyle. We've known each other for a while and I know you well enough to know when you're not doing good. And you haven't been good for two months. And you don't talk about it. That's not good. Just fucking talk to us!" Adam demanded.

"What do you want to talk about, Adam?" I wanted to know.

"I want to know if you've talked to Y/N. But given your behavior, I don't even need to ask that. I can only tell you what a fucking stubborn jackass you are! Look at you Kyle! You're a mess. You still love her and you clearly can't forget her. You guys would have found a decent solution for this for sure, but you had to take the easy way out. 

And what's worse... you abandoned Y/N when she needed you the most. She had a massive panic attack and was totally beside herself. I'm sure that if you had given her some time to calm down, you wouldn't be in this situation. Now pull yourself together and talk to her," he replied.

"So you think I don't know what a fucking idiot I am, Adam? Trust me, I know. I'm the reason Y/N had to experience this situation, I'm the reason for her panic attack. She told me she was worried about the fans' behavior. And what did I do? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I ignored it because I firmly believed that it would pass.

How can I be with someone if I end up hurting them? I don't deserve this woman. It is as simple as that. Our world is not made for such a pure, kind, beautiful human being. I messed up and now I have to live with it," I explained to him and then started punching the punching bag again.

"I know it's hard, Kyle, but I'm sure that if you went to her and explained everything, she would take you back. She loves you. The way she used to look at you? That was special. You guys had, maybe still have, something special. Don't throw away that connection without being completely sure. Everyone deserves a second chance. Don't take that away from both of you." Adam said and then left me alone.

I wanted to believe his words, but it was too late for that. I waited too long. Y/N had certainly moved on from what was going on between us. As Adam said, I had let her down. There was no way she would forgive me for that, because I couldn't even forgive myself.

As always in the last two months, every single day, every hour, every minute, every second I thought of Y/N, my beautiful angel. I kept seeing that shy smile that I just couldn't forget. It would probably haunt me until the end of my days.