Tough Love

Chapter One Hundred One

Chapter One Hundred One

Dani

When I return from the shower, Eli is asleep. I can see the tear stains on his cheeks, so I know he's been crying. That makes me feel sad but also a bit special. Like he thinks I'm worth crying over. I slide into the bed as quietly as possible. I don't want to wake him, although he has the hearing of a superhero, so I'm sure he will wake up. Now that I've showered, I don't feel like I need to stay away from him so much. That probably makes no sense to anyone else, so I'll try to explain. While I was telling him those horrible things, I couldn't be near him. I didn't want him to touch me, because I didn't want to be reminded of the way it felt and I also didn't want to associate his touch with those memories. I've been trying so hard to not think of his touch the same way and I don't want to undo all the progress we have made. I'm not saying having him hug me or whatever is easy, because it's not. It is a constant battle to keep the dark memories shut away whenever he comes near me. That is something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life, because my brain won't ever allow me to forget the bad. On the other side of it, my mind won't let me forget the good either, so if I can make new and good memories with Eli, then I can try to focus on those.

The other reason I didn't want Eli to be too close, is because reliving those memories made me feel too dirty to be near him. He keeps telling me I'm not dirty, but I know I am. I've got a filthy past, so how can I not be dirty? Even though I didn't choose for any of this to happen, I didn't exactly fight either. It doesn't change the fact that I've participated in disgusting, filthy acts and no amount of showering is going to take that away. It's another thing I'm going to have to live with. I just have to figure out how I'm going to do that.

As I lay down, Eli mumbles and lifts his arm for me to slide into his embrace. I take a deep breath and tuck myself into his side. He is my superhero and not just because of his super hearing. He makes me feel safe. He protects me and makes me feel different. I don't know how he does it, but he does. I don't know what those feelings really mean, but I have to learn not to question it or analyze it too much or there's no telling how that will turn out. For someone who does nothing but analyze and over think everything, that's not an easy task, I assure you.

Eli's eyes are closed as he whispers, “I'm glad you talked to me, baby. I love you even more, if that's at all possible. You are beautiful and you might not think you're perfect, but you are perfect to me. It'll be ok, sweetheart, I promise.”

While I'm not completely sure it will all be ok, I nod. I have to at least admit to myself that things have got slightly better. So much has changed since I met Eli, especially in the last few months. I have to attempt to trust that will he will try his hardest to make things ok.

The sunlight breaking through the blinds wakes me up and I take a few moments to register what day it is and what's going on. I actually feel rested, more so than I ever have and that leaves me feeling disorientated. Well, I've only felt like this after I've been in a drug induced sleep. I didn't have drugs, right? I momentarily panic, thinking I've relapsed and don't remember it.

“Eli?”

“Yes beautiful?”

I skip over the 'beautiful' comment because I need to ask my next question, “I didn't take drugs, did I?”

“What? No. Why would you think that?”

I let out a sigh, “I feel rested...”

“You don't normally feel rested?”