Tough Love

Chapter Ninety-One

Chapter Ninety-One

Dani

Monday morning is here and I'm getting ready for work. It feels so weird to be going back. Eli spoke to the Captain on Saturday and he told me to come in today to talk about starting back. I'm not going to lie, I am so nervous right now, but the higher dose of Modecate is starting to work and the panic and nervousness have to fight a little harder to reach the surface. I'm quiet at breakfast, but no one comments, which I am thankful for. I feel so self conscious right now. So much has happened since I was last at the precinct and I'm sure everyone knows about my history. I'm embarrassed and ashamed by that fact. I'm also conscious of the fact that I'm not wearing proper workwear. I can't get smart pants over my cast, so I have to wear a pair of sweat pants with the leg cut just above the cast. I've got Eli's SWAT training shirt on, so I won't look completely out of place, but I still don't feel comfortable.

We're heading out the door at 6:15am and Connie says, “Call or text me if you need me. You'll be fine, honey, but if you need to hear a friendly voice, just call.”

“I will, thank you.”

As we enter the precinct, I tense up and automatically look for the stairwell door. It was always my last chance at quiet before having to be around the work force. Eli sees where I'm looking and he whispers, “I know you want to, baby, but you can't manage all those stairs. We should be good in the elevator. We're between shift changes, so there shouldn't be too many people milling around. It's going to be ok, sweetheart. I promise.”

I nod but I'm not completely convinced. Even still, I hop along slowly after Eli to the elevator. Ash is standing by the doors, waiting for them to open as we approach. There's nothing fake about the beam that's just crossed his features. He is genuinely happy to see me and my heart constricts just at that thought. I still can't comprehend the fact that people want to see me; that they care about me.

“Hey darlin'! How are you doing?”

“I'm ok, thank you. You?”

“I'm great, now that I've seen you again.”

Eli frowns and a weird look crosses his features as he says, “You just saw her a few days ago, Ash.”

“Still feels like forever ago. Ramirez, don't look so jealous. I'm not trying to steal your girl...”

My cheeks heat up and my body feels like it's thermostat has been turned up to an unnatural level. I stare at the ground, because I know my face will be beet red and I don't want either of them to notice. When I hear their chuckles, I know trying to hide my reaction was a complete fail. They know me; they can read me better than anyone else. I should have known they'd be able to see through my attempt at covering it up.

The elevator doors slide open before either of them can comment. Ash gets on first and shoots me a dazzling smile before I hop in after Eli. Is that guy always happy? He never seems to be frowning or sad. How is that even possible? He's like the polar opposite of me. I find it difficult to smile and he never seems to stop smiling.

Before I even realize what's happening, my mouth opens and I blurt out, “Do you ever feel sad, Ash?”

I gasp once I recognize what I've done and I try to make myself small. The panic isn't as great as it usually is, but my brain knows to expect an explosive response, so it prepares itself for a blow.

He's quick to answer, but his voice is quiet and full of pain as he says, “Yes, right now. When I see your instinctive reaction to an innocent question, then I feel sad. I feel sad when I think you're always expecting one of us to hurt you. I feel sad when you are scared to ask me something or talk to me properly. But, it makes me happy to see you trying. I'm glad that you accidentally let that question slip. It means you're feeling a bit more relaxed around me. I don't care what you ask me, I want you to feel like you can ask anything. I don't want you to be scared of my reaction. I will never, ever lay a hand on you.”