Tough Love

Chapter Seventy-Seven

Chapter Seventy-Seven

Dani

Eli knows something is up. I can tell from his expression and his body language. I think I might be in trouble. This thought is only confirmed when Eli speaks.

“You want to tell me what's going on, sweetheart? Do you really need those drugs? Or do you just want them?”

Yep, I'm so busted, pardon the pun.

I sigh and stare at the bed sheets. I can't look at him. I don't want to see the disappointment or disgust in his eyes. The voice inside my head grinds out, 'When has he ever looked at you with disgust or disappointment?'

He's never seen me addicted to drugs though. Everything will all change once he finds out I don't actually really need the pain meds.

Again, I hear that voice say, “Svetlyak, stop pushing him away. No more lies, remember? Tell him the truth...”

I take a deep breath and glance up at Eli. He's looking at me in deep concentration, like he's trying to read me. I whisper what is becoming my new motto, “No more lies...”

Eli takes the smart option and doesn't speak. He just waits for me to make the first move.

“I can't cope without them, Eli. I need them to get through this...”

Eli simply responds, “You're addicted.”

“No. Yes. I don't know.”

He frowns, “I don't understand, Dani. Make me understand.”

“It makes my mind quieter. The Modecate isn't good enough... Being in here is too much... I can't do it without the drugs... I'm sorry, Eli. I really am sorry... I know I'm a disappointment. You can leave, I'll understand... You shouldn't have to deal with the mess that I am. I'm just sorry... for everything.... I'm sorry I'm not good enough...”

A few tears have escaped as I'm speaking, but Eli doesn't let me say anything else because he puts his finger over my lips. I tremble at his touch and my eyes go wide, but I don't move a muscle. It's not like I can actually go anywhere, but I don't even back off. The look on his face tells me he doesn't mean me any harm, but I can see some form of fire in his eyes. Yes, I'm scared, but I'm trying to trust the man that has helped me in so many ways. I'm tired of being scared of him and I just want it all to be over.

Eli almost growls out, “No. Enough. No more negative thoughts. No more putting yourself down. I can't hear that anymore. I can't keep listening to you put yourself down. Listen to me, baby. You are not a disappointment. You are good enough. I'm not going to just leave you. I thought we cleared this up last night. I'm here until the end. I'm not going to leave just because you're having a set back. We've had plenty of those and we've always come through them. This is just an obstacle that we have to overcome. It'll all work out. I promise you I'm not going anywhere. I only need you to be honest with me. I don't want you to hide things like this from me. It doesn't matter what you say, I'm not going anywhere, so please, just be honest with me. Ok?”

I nod quickly, not really knowing what to say. The raw emotion in Eli's voice shows me just how serious his words are.

“We need to do something about those negative thoughts though, seriously. I can't keep listening to you berate yourself all the time. It kills me to listen to that because I know it's not true. I know you think all manner of things....”

The nurse walks into the room and the look that Eli shoots her seems to be a mixture of frustration, annoyance and sadness. She looks trapped but she scurries in and quietly says, “Sorry Lieutenant, I just have to take the blood work that Dr. Stone needs. I won't be long.”