Tough Love

Chapter Eighty-Nine

Chapter Eighty-Nine

Dani

Eli picks me up for my appointment with Sam at 7pm on Thursday. I'm not quite as scared about this session, but I'm still apprehensive. When we sit down in front of Sam's desk, she smiles at us and asks, “How have you been, Dani?”

How do I answer that? Nothing has changed to be honest. So I just say, “Ok, thank you ma'am.”

“Good. Anything you want to talk about specifically?”

I shake my head quickly, but she just smiles in response.

“Ok. I would like to give you another dose of Modecate, if that's ok. I have spoken to Dr. Ramirez and we have figured out a new regime for you. He explained you administer the meds yourself. Is that right?”

“Yes ma'am.”

“Ok. I'll prepare the shot and then you can give it to yourself. I'd like to do that before we start anything else.”

When Sam returns with the shot, she is also carrying a wrist band. She places both on her desk, but doesn't explain what the band is for until I've taken the shot.

“I've found a wrist band quite helpful in a few of my patients. Basically, whenever you feel like a memory is taking over or you're starting to panic, you snap the band on your wrist, almost to snap you out of the moment. This works well when you're on your own or when you're with people who don't know how to calm you down. I'd like you to wear the band and at least try it for a few weeks. Just until we can make some headway with some other techniques. Is that ok with you?”

I nod and wait for her to tell me to take the band, before placing it on my left wrist.

“Good. Unfortunately Dani, I need to ask you to think about your physical responses to your memories. I want to start helping you to control those responses, but I need you to think about your reactions. What calms you down whenever you get scared or panicked?”

This one is easy to answer and I quickly say, “Eli.”

She smiles again, “Good. So, whenever you get scared or you feel like you're going to panic, I want you to picture Elijah standing right in front of you. How does he calm you down?”

“I don't know. He just does.”

“Elijah, what do you do to help Dani through a panic attack?”

“Depends on how bad it is. Sometimes I sing to her, sometimes I place her hand over my heart so she can count the beats.”

“And if it's really bad?”

“I hand her my gun...”

Eli says this like it's the most normal thing to do; like it's not dangerous in any way.

“Are you sure that's a sensible thing to do? Handing a panicking person a gun?”

“I take the bullets out, ma'am. I know the dangers of guns, and I would never give anyone a loaded gun unless I was absolutely certain they can use it correctly. It just makes Dani feel safer and in control more.”

I hear Sam let out a deep breath and then she says, “Ok, good. So, Dani, whenever you feel like you're scared or panicking I want you to imagine Elijah is standing right in front of you, singing to you. Just focus on his face for me, ok? Whatever happens, whatever response you have, I want you to just picture Elijah right there with you.”

I nod and she continues, “What is the first response you have when you panic? What does your body do first?”

I think for a few seconds and reply, “My heart races.”