Tough Love

Chapter Eighty-Five

Chapter Eighty-Five

Eli

The rage building up in me as Dani tells me her nightmare actually scares me. Trust me, I've been angry. I've experienced my fair share of hate and rage, but nothing like this. If Dani wasn't curled up against my side I would be completely tearing this room apart. I'm really struggling to keep a lid on this rage and I have to really make a conscious effort to trample it down enough that I don't scare Dani. As much as I want to lash out and let her know how angry these people make me, I can't take the risk that I'll scare her. If I frighten her now, it'll be something I will never rectify properly. She'll always wonder if I'm going to do it again. She'll always be wary that I might lose the control again.

When she thinks out loud, accidentally letting me know she thinks she's a Bratva whore, my heart can't actually take any more. I wince at her words and I know she felt it. I couldn't control that reaction. To hear those words spill from her mouth was just a final blow that my heart couldn't take. That's what she actually thinks about herself and I need her to realize it's not true.

She doesn't believe my words, I can sense that. I know her well, better than she thinks I do. I don't need to know the whole sordid history to know my girl. I think the Tyler thing sparked this nightmare and a thought runs through my mind, filling my bones and blood with icy coldness. I whisper, “Dani? I need to ask you something and I need you to be completely truthful with me, even if you don't think I'll like the answer. Ok?”

I know this is not how she wants the conversation to go and I'm in agreement with her. I don't want to ask her this, but now that I've thought of it, there's a burning need to know.

“I'll try, sir.”

There's no easy way to ask, so I just blurt it out. “My brother... He was never... there... was he?”

The words a painful and taste disgusting as they leave my mouth. It would explain why she was so frightened of him. I don't want it to be true, but I need her to confirm it. She seems to sense my urgency because she quickly answers, “No sir, he wasn't. I promise.”

I let out a huge sigh and rest my forehead against the back of Dani's head. “I'm sorry, baby. I needed to know.”

“It's ok, Eli. I would tell you if he was.”

“I don't want you to believe those horrible things about yourself, Dani. It hurts me so much to hear that. My heart can't bear that you really think those things about yourself. Even if you don't say them, I know you still believe them. I don't want you to even think those things, let alone believe them. Tell me how I can make those thoughts stop...”

I feel her tense against my side and I so desperately want to scoop her into my arms and run my fingers through her hair. He hair has grown quite quickly. It's in her face a lot and when she tucks it behind her ears, it often flies loose quickly. I lift a hand and gingerly run it through her soft blonde strands. At first she tenses but then she sighs and I'm sure I hear her reminding herself it's just me.

We sit quiet and still for a long time, with me continuing to run my fingers through her hair. I think she's fallen asleep, but then she whispers, “I don't think you can make them stop, Eli. I can never tell you everything that happened there, so you will never know what I'm truly like...”

“But that wasn't you. You did those things because you were forced to; you had no choice in the matter. How is that being who you truly are? What they made you be is not your real self. I know it has changed you; it has made you into a different person, but it's not who you are. If it was, you'd be exactly the same now. I don't see you behaving that way, so where is this girl that you were in there? Where did she go? Because you know what I think? I think she died in there. The day they threw you out, that's when she died and you had a tiny sliver of the real you spark back to life. You may not be there one hundred percent, but you're not that girl they made you be. You aren't her and I will tell you so every day if I have to. You aren't her.”