TALES FROM FALLEN WARRIORS ─ marvel

II. RJ Nakajima

Chapter Two
Bucky

"So, James, are you still having nightmares?" Dr. Raynor asks from her chair across from her, her right leg crossed over her left, notebook and pen in hand.

Yes. "No."

Dr. Raynor gives me a pointed look. "We've been doing this long enough that I can tell when you're lying."

I let out a sigh through my nose, trying to picture Lena in my head, trying to hear her words of praise about therapy, about how much it helped her through her own trauma.

"I always have nightmares." Is what I end up saying after a couple seconds of pause.

"Even after your latest mission? Even after all the others, you're still seeing no progress with the nightmares?"

I shake my head. "I don't think any amount of 'amending' my past will stop the nightmares from coming. Some scars just don't leave you, mine just happen to be mental."

"You certainly won't see any progress with that pessimistic attitude. I thought you understood how much having an optimistic approach to things is a benefit after being with Soroya for so long."

I huff out a laugh. "It's hard to be optimistic when I am spending my days as another government's puppet."

"We're trying to help you, James."

"By making me run around and take care of whoever the government wants me to? How is that helping me?"

Dr. Raynor writes something down and sighs, almost giving me a pitying look. "You're making amends."

I feel my hands clench on my lap. "No. I'm not."

"Alright, James," Dr. Raynor sets her notebook aside and clasps her fingers together over her knee. "How do you think you should be making amends?"

By doing things myself, on my terms, not the government's. By doing missions that help people who need it, not some senator behind a desk. By helping make people's futures better, not trying to fix my past. By being more like Lena.

I shrug. "I don't know."

Dr. Raynor's expression softens. "James it's only been a couple months. It may take more time for you to feel like this process is making a difference. It may take more time for you to feel at peace with yourself and with the world."

When I don't say anything else, she sits forward and offers me a rare smile. "You've got your mind back, you've been pardoned, you have a fiancé who loves you, friends. These are all good things. You're free."

I've never been free.

I'll never be free.

-

"Take a look, nobody made it past ninety this week." Yori holds a newspaper in front of me, a grave expression on his face.

Yori and I have been getting lunch every Wednesday after my appointments for the past three months. I met him right here at this restaurant, completely by chance, but it turned out to be the universe's new way of punishing me for my past. After having lunch with him a second time, I decided to research him online. Something about him seemed familiar somehow, and the answer to why has plagued my nightmares for months. His son RJ was one of my victims in HYDRA. I thought about stopping our lunch dates, but Lena convinced me otherwise, saying it would be good to have a friend in the city. Alex agreed, he said it would be good to have a friend whose my age and proceeded to laugh.

I didn't decide to continue our Wednesday lunches because of what they said though. I felt like maybe this could be a way I could make real amends, make a real difference in someone's life that doesn't involve the three rules or some government official's paperwork.