Captivated

Zayn- Chapter Fourteen

I drove for hours and hours. The sun was beginning to set as we drove off the highway. Ashley started to fall asleep soon after our little fight. She looks so cute when she sleeps. I keep saying that this is for the best but honestly, I don't blame Ashley for not believing it. I don't even believe it. I want her to stay with me. I need her but I'm messed up. She deserves someone better than me. Someone who is capable of being in love. I, however, am not. How can I love Ashley, when I don't even love myself.

When Ashley woke up, we were ten minutes from her house. She looks like she has been crying in her sleep. She only nodded when I told her we were ten minutes away.

"Ashley, please say something," I begged her. I don't want her to be mad at me.

"I don't know what to say. She confessed.

I turned my head to study her face for a split second and then turned back to the road. "You've been crying."

She reached her hand up to touch her face.

"Why are you crying?" I asked.

"Because I'm leaving you," She told me.

"It's for the best," I repeated, trying to get her to understand.

"You keep saying that but I don't believe it. How can this be for the best Zayn? You said you wanted me. I don't understand." She threw my hands up in the air and huffed.

I don't know what she wants from me. I keep telling her it's for the best because it truly is. She just can't understand it. I'm a monster that isn't fit to love.

"It's too complicated for you to understand."

"Try me." She looked at me with no emotion. She really wants to know, doesn't she?

"I told you, Ashley, I'm not the one you want."

"You don't know what I want Zayn," She shot back. Someone's angry.

"I know you need someone else. Someone who isn't as complicated as me. I have secrets, Ashley. I don't want you to know them. You can't." I just kept driving.

"Why can't I?" She asked.

I didn't answer her right away. I didn't know what to say. Should I tell her the truth? Should I reveal to her why I'm so messed up?

"Because. Because once you know them, you'll never look at me the same again."

"Zayn," She turned her body in her seat so she was facing me. "I think I made it very clear that whatever you do, you can't push me away. I don't care what your secrets are. I just don't want to be apart from you. Whatever you say, nothing will change the way I feel about you."

After hearing what she said, I drove the car off the road and onto the shoulder. I parked the car in the dirt. I reached up and clicked the light on above our heads. It was pitch black outside and the only sound that could be heard were the crickets chirping.

"Zayn, what are you doing?" She freaked out.

"Promise me that what I am about to tell you will stay between us." I looked at her right in the eyes. Like I was pleading her. I can't have this getting out.

She took my hands in hers. "Zayn, I have no one to tell." I trust her. That's why I'm doing this. Telling her this.

I took a big deep breath and then let it out. I can't believe I'm going to tell her this. I never said any of this out loud before. I took another deep breath. "When I was young," I started. "I got abused by my mother. She hit me and put cigarettes out on my skin. It haunts me every day. All I can remember is how it felt. What she did. How I felt abused, sad, and angry I felt. I wanted revenge. I wanted others to feel what I felt. To experience what I did. I know that it's messed up." I looked down at our hands that were intertwined between us. "I'm messed up."