Captivated

Zayn-Chapter Sixteen

The sun came, unfortunately, shining through my windows in the early morning. I looked at my clock on my bedside table and it read 6:00. Why am I up at this hour? I need all the sleep I can get after what happened last night. Last night. Damn, it's all a blur. The only thing I can remember from last night was when I dropped her off at home and when I got to my tiny apartment on the opposite side of Bradford. I can remember drinking my weight in liquor and then self-destructing. I blew through three bottles of hard alcohol last night. The bottles are shattered all over my bedroom floor. Tell me why again I let her go? That's right. Because I'm a monster. I'm a monster that can not be tamed. However, Ashley is trying to tame me. Why can't I just let her? Why can't I let her inside my head? Inside my messed up, screwed up head? She said she wanted to understand. I told her and yet she still wants me. I don't understand. How can somebody love me? I can't even love me? But Ashley. Ashley loved me. She can't love me. I won't let her. I can't let her inside my mind. Too many dark memories live in there. If she saw them, she definitely wouldn't want me anymore. Maybe I have to show her. Maybe I have to show her how dark my mind can get. Then she would run away and never look back. But I can't do that. I need Ashley. I need her to remove all the dark thoughts that cloud my judgment and replace them with happy thoughts. I need her to change me. I never needed anyone in my life. I have always lived on my own. So, needing her is hard for me to admit. Ashley said she doesn't care who I am. But what if I care? I can't let her know me. I barely know myself.

Getting up from the bed after three hours of tossing and turning, my head started pounding. How much did I drink last night? I slowly made my way to the living room. I can't help but feel this hole in my heart. I have been told that I don't even have a heart. Even if I do, it's very small. Why am I feeling like something is missing? I go over to the kitchen and pour myself a shot of alcohol. It's the only way to numb the pain. Pain I didn't know I was capable of feeling. I down three, maybe four shots, then I get on with my day.

I bring a bottle of alcohol to my office in my small apartment. Once in my office I look at all the files I have on girls whom I have been watching, but there is no point to go through them. The only girl I want is Ashley and I can't have her. As I was driving back last night, after I dropped her off at her house, I thought about what actually happened between us and where I developed these unknown and unwanted feelings. It's so hard to know that I want her but know that I can't have her. She lights that fire within me. A fire I didn't even know I had. A fire that wants to spark a change. If I have never met Ashley, I would still be the same guy who kidnaps just to make others feel what I felt. Now, with Ashley, I don't have the need to kidnap anymore. Well, of course, I have the urge, but I just don't want to anymore. I can't describe what Ashley is doing to me. What she did to me. The first night she was with me, in the bunker, tied to a chair, I saw something in her. She wasn't afraid of me like the others were. She accepted me even though she barely knew me. She trusted me. I have no idea when I started to fall for her. I just want to be with her. But I can't. I'm too bad of a person. She is so sweet and innocent. I can't ruin her like that. I won't let myself. Every day that we were in the bunker together, my feelings for her got stronger. I never had these types of feelings. I have tried everything to get to go away. They just won't.

While I was in my study, I got a text from Ashley. "Hey, Zayn. It's Ashley. I just wanted to let you know that I will be talking to the police about how you kidnapped me. I won't mention your name. So yeah. I just wanted to tell you."

How sweet that she wants to protect me. Too bad no one can. Also, since when has she been in contact with the feds? She hasn't been back for twenty-four hours yet and she's already talking with the cops.

I waited a few minutes before texting her back. I don't want it to seem like I was anxiously awaiting her text. Even though, I kind of was. After waiting ten minutes, I texted her back. "Thanks for letting me know. Text me when the interview is over. Tell me what you said."