That's a Secret

Chapter 19

It's been two weeks since the dance and I've been super busy. I've had so much homework it's crazy! And pretty much no motivation to do it every day.

I wake up in the morning, and let me tell you I did not want to get out of bed! Lately it's taken everything in me to get myself out of bed. I've been more emotionally and physically drained lately.

I inch myself up and being my legs out from under the covers. It was so cold! I stand up and go to the bathroom.

When I return I had to decide what I was gonna wear. The struggle is real guys. I decide upon some black leggings and a grey long sleeves shirt, with a grey scarf. I grab my brown boots and go into the bathroom to do my make up.

Once in the bathroom I shut the door and pull out the scale. This had been part of my routine in the morning, to weigh myself.

97

I look at the number with disgust. A couple days ago I was 95. I look up into the mirror and realize I was on the verge of tears. I look back down at the number and then hop off the scale. I turn so I could see my side when looking in the mirror. I pull up my shirt a little bit and all I saw was fat! I can't believe I let myself have those chip and candy at school! That's why I gained 2 freakin pounds! I mentally best myself up for that.

I quickly wipe my tears and do my make up. When I finished I go downstairs. I say good morning to my dad and brother.

Right before I was about to exit my house my father says,

"Aren't you gonna have breakfast?"

"No I don't have time," I say quickly trying to get out of this situation.

"Becca come sit, please, you have a little time." My dad pleads and I sit down. He had made me eggs and I ate slowly. Piece by piece I hated my self more by more.

I excuse myself and head out the door. I drove to the Tim Hortan's down the street and jump out of my car. I go inside, going straight to the bathroom, quickly I throw up my breakfast. I stand there for a while, knowing my eyes were red.

I walk out of the bathroom like nothing happened. I looked over at the line up. I jump into the line, and try to decide what to get.

It was my turn, I ordered a peppermint tea, and then left. I hopped into my car and drove off to school. But not before putting on some of my music. I take out my iPhone and go to my depressed playlist. In consisted of songs like:

-If I Die Young by The Band Perry
-Nightingale by Demi Lovato
-Sad Song by We The Kings
-A Little Too Much by Shawn Mendes
-Invisible by Hunter Hayes
-A Drop In The Ocean by Ron Pope
-Superheroes by The Script

And many more songs. It was just a bunch of slow songs that I loved. And if they weren't slow songs the song either meant something to me or described exactly how I felt.

I get through half the playlist and then arrive at school. I get out of my car and head into school.

I see Skylar and Sophia at Skylar's locker. I decided to walk past them instead of talking to them. I was still not totally feeling well, I didn't want to bother them. I also didn't want them to ask me what's wrong because to be completely honest I didn't know how I felt or why I felt this way.

I get to my locker to see Dylan standing there. Of course he's here! Like I know he's my boyfriend and everything but right now I just wanted to be alone.

"Hey beautiful," he greats me and I cringe. I was not beautiful!

"Hey," I say flatly.

"What's wrong?" He asks me and I turn to face him, but still not quite making eye contact with him.

"Nothing, I just didn't get much sleep last night so I'm kinda cranky sorry" I say only half telling the truth. Yes I didn't get much sleep last night but I never get cranky because of it. This time I just wasn't feeling well.

"Ok..." I could feel Dylan's eyes on me and I knew he didn't totally believe me. "Well we still have a little time before class, let's go for a walk!"

"Um...I'd really like that but I have to talk to a teacher before class starts," I totally lied. I feel really bad for lying but I just wanted to be alone right now, and this is how I was gonna get it.

"Oh ok..." He looked kinda disappointed and I slightly feel a little bit more down. I didn't like hurting him or anyone... "Ok I'll see you at lunch ok?"

I nod and before he leaves he kisses me on the forehead.

"I love you."

"love you too" I say and walked away. I put my head phones back in try to ignore the world.

I was walking to first period when I bumped into someone, and my books went flying. I was also on the ground, just sitting there. I was so shocked, I don't even know why. Probably because I wasn't paying attention so it just kind of got me out of my trance.

"Oh I'm so sorry." I look up to see Zoe. And I knew for sure she was not the least bit sorry.

I then realize that a bunch of her friends were laughing at me! I try not to cry, especially in front of everyone! I quickly pick up my books and run off to first period.

I get there right when the bell rang and thanked God that the little 'accident' in the hallway didn't make me late for class. The teacher, Mrs. G.K. would've flipped if I was. I quickly sit down and try to hide my face from everyone.

***

When it was lunch I didn't even bother to go find Dylan. I just went to the library, I had a slight head ache and again like before didn't want to talk or be around people.

I sit down and log onto my website. I hadn't really gone on it much lately, because Dylan knew about it. But after a week or so of me not going on it he stopped checking. So now I was gonna keep writing.

I wrote about my day, how I hated my life, and how school just makes me feel ten times worse about myself.

At the very end I said...

I haven't gotten better, I've just gotten better at hiding it.

When I saved it, published it, and logged off. I put my laptop away and just sat there, thinking. I was on one of the chairs in there and I just realized how tired I was. I shut my eyes just resting them.

That's when I felt a huge figure on my lap, they were so heavy! Or I was just weak...

I open my eyes and see Dylan on top of me. I take out my head phones and still he is sitting on me.

"Dylan get off me!" I wisper-yell.

"No! Never!" He whisper-shouted back to me.

I then tried to push him off but of course he didn't budge.

"What's it gonna take for you to get off me." I ask and he smirks. Great what does he want?

He bends down so his mouth is right by my ear, "A kiss"

I look back at him and I shake my head, no. Dylan pouts and I try not to laugh. I finally give in because he was soooo heavy! I give him a kiss on the cheek, and finally he stands up.

"Thank you. It took you long enough." I say sarcastically.

"Hey come with me?" He puts his hand out for me to grab.

"Where?"

"Out of the library so we can actually talk." He says and I chuckle and take his hand in mine.

We go outside to the soccer field. Nobody was there so we went to the very middle of it and laid down.

"Becca I'm taking you out on a date tonight."