𝗠𝘆 𝗦𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗼𝗿⁴ // 𝘑𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘯 𝘏𝘰𝘴𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘳

chapter 22

I walked in the shower and sat down on the floor of it.
My favorite person is gone.
It's just hurts so much.
All the scenarios going in my head, good, perfect times we had. Our trips, how he called me beautiful, how we'd kiss on the beach while sun is setting, how he'd sing to me, how he'd brush and dry my hair, how he'd help me shop clothes, how he would pick up my outfits, how he'd talk nonsense when he's drunk or high and I would drag him to the bathroom while he is laying on the floor, in his own world before I'd wash him with cold water, how he'd compliment me every day, how he loved to surprise me with spontaneous trips, how he loved our kids and our family. So many things, so many memories and we could've made three times more, but now it's all over. I'm left alone, without my biggest support. Without the love of my life. Without my best friend. Without my soulmate.
Fuck life if this is how it works. It was too early for him to leave.
And it's my fault. He died to save me. He used to tell me all the time how he will die for me. Now I wish he didn't. And he didn't even need to save me because I was on safe place. We were supposed to get grey and old together. Now I'll be the one who will be grey and who will need to raise our kids.
I only wish he was here now, and I'd have another baby with him just to make him happy and satisfied. But he is not here.
After my shower I swallowed few more pills, before walking downstairs.

× week later

I was in the kitchen making a snack for kids while they watched TV.
I felt like my period started, but I thought I would finish their snack before going upstairs to change my underwear and put a pad on, even though I was really sure I'd miss it because of stress.
I felt my leg getting wet as I was in jeans that were a little darker blue shade.
I looked down, seeing the blood between my legs as it was spreading more and more on my clothes. I hurried upstairs, and immediately stripped down in the shower, but I wouldn't stop bleeding.
I managed to reach my phone that was on the sink and dial Addison's number.

"Hey."
"Addi, please come over. I think I need to go to doctors."
"What happened?"
"I don't know, I thought my period started but I'm just bleeding too much."
"I'm already out of the house, Bryce will stay with kids while I go with you."
"Okay, thank you."
I hung up, putting my phone out of the shower and continued to wash my legs and area between while I had my shirt on still.

"Lex!"
Addison banged on the doors of my bathroom, making me jump up a little.
"I'm still in the shower."
"I'll bring you underwear and clothes and we are immediately going to doctors."
"But I still haven't fully stopped bleeding."
"Doesn't matter."
She walked in the bathroom.
"Okay, here you go. Get dressed quickly."
I did as she told me, putting the thickest pad that I had, and a pair of black sweats.
"C'mon, hurry up."
"Let me say bye to kids-"
"No time for that."
She pushed me out of the house and took a seat in driver's seat and I sat in passengers.

Finally, we arrived to a hospital and they took me in immediately, asking a lot of questions. We came in a conclusion that I missed my period whole last month, making them do some things down there to me and some ultrasounds.
"Yeah, as I thought. I'm really sorry to say it Miss Hossler, but you were pregnant, and this what happened was a natural miscarriage."
My eyes widened, while I watched and listened to the doctor confused.
"What? I wasn't pregnant."
"You were. You just didn't know."
This can't be true.
"I- N- When can I go home? I have kids and their dad, my husband, died not even two weeks ago and I have to take care of them, they need me. I wasn't pregnant, I don't know what you're talking about."
I started rambling, trying to get up.
"I'm really sorry for your loss, but you need to take care of yourself now. You gotta rest when you go home, do you not have anyone to take care of your kids?"
"I-I do. But I need to take care of them, I can't just lay in my bed."
I 'argued' with the doctor for a little before they let me go home.
I walked to Addison that was waiting for me, sitting on chairs.
"So?"
I shook my head, continuing to walk out of the hospital.
We sat in her car, before she took my hand in her.
"Lexi, talk to me. What doctors said?"
"I-I was pregnant."
Her eyes widened as she watched me in shock.
"Not that I killed the baby by taking so many pills for past week, but he asked me for fourth one. He begged me for so long. And I didn't want it. And then when I got pregnant, he died, and I killed my own baby."
I broke down crying. I'm just not in a good mental state right now. This probably wouldn't bother me much if he didn't want that fourth kid so much.
She hugged me, trying to calm me down.
"It's okay, you didn't know, we can't go back now. Okay? You need to calm down. Stay in control, for those three kids that are waiting for you home. Okay?"
"I just lost myself again. I had it for 15 years while he put me in a good place, now I'm even worse than what I was. I lost him and lost myself. I can't do this."
I opened the doors and got out, but soon I felt arms wrapped around me. She was trying to calm me down, but she was crying too.
"You need to stay strong. I know it's hard. I know. But you have me. You have kids. You have so many people around you who would give up everything to help you. We can get through this together, and we will."
"He said he'd give up everything for me, and he did. And now he's gone."
"Sh shh."
We stayed like that for few more minutes before sitting back in the car and driving back home.

"Mommy!"
Josie squealed, running to me to hug me.
"Hey bub."
I hugged her, kissing her head.
"Hey Bry, hey kiddos."
"Mom why were you at the doctor?"
"Doesn't matter now, I'm alright now."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, 100%."
We watched TV together for the rest of the night, before Bryce and Addison went back to their home with kids and we all got upstairs to sleep.
I still can't believe that I was pregnant and I killed it with pills. Fuck.

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A/N Well, hi guys. A little surprise, uh, yeah. I don't know what I'd say.