|| SamBucky (WinterFalcon Oneshots) ||

Sleep. I'll Look After You.

Bucky was exhausted. His whole body felt like led and his eyes burnt with fatigue and his head, well, it felt like on had grabbed a box of cotton and shoved it up his nose. Though, he's too tired to care. He gave up caring for a while now and it makes life so much easier. He doesn't have to worry about hurting people.

"You, okay?" Sam asks but Bucky doesn't answer and instead stares out at the sunset reflecting against the still water. The sky was lilac purple and the fluffy clouds were pink and the longer he looks out the lake, the faster he relaxes. 

"Bucky? You with me, still?" Bucky doesn't want to admit it, but he loves Sam's soft voice. It was so full of love and affection; it could rot a tooth if it were a lolly. He also enjoys Sam's company, even if at times he can be a little shit. He also adores Sam because when he is so close to giving up, Sammy is always there to pick him up and steady him, standing by him until he's able to function properly. Sam is special to him, so fucking special that he wants to do everything to keep the man happy and if his Sam was taken away, Bucky would move mountains to see him again, even if it means dying.

"Yes." He replies, his red eyes closing on their own accord.

 "How much sleep have you been getting, Buck?" The way Sam asks it has Bucky feeling even more exhausted. "I don't know, not enough..." He murmurs, enjoying the comfort he gets from Sam's presence. Just this calm aura Sam brings with him does things to him. The ex-soldier inhales deeply, relishing in the smell of the freshwater while listening to the boat that creaks followed by the soft breathing on his right.

"Nightmares?" He states and Bucky tries to shrug but only manages to sigh. He's a Super Soldier, he shouldn't be exhausted. 

Though he is 106 years old, nobody should pass 100 so he should be dead by now.

It makes him wonder; what would death feel like? Do you get to watch your life before your eyes like a movie or do you just drift off, never to wake again? He doesn't know but sometimes, he wants to try it. To answer his questions. 

He doesn't know. Maybe he should try it, answer his questions...

"What's going on in that brain of yours, Buck?"

"You don't want to know."

Silence soon falls again and Bucky could feel Sam's lingering gaze on him, most likely trying to figure out what he So, he puts a blank expression on his face, feeling victorious when he hears Sam sigh.

"You know, you're going to have to tell what's going on, Barnes. It's freaky seeing you like this, or well, more emo than usual. I don't want to lose another friend. I know that look, Bucky." Sam starts before continuing. "Those thoughts? Don't listen to them, explain to me how you're feeling-"

"I'm frustrated." He blurts out, biting his lip anxiously. His brows were scrunched together and his mouth was slightly parted, finding out the right words to say.

"And why is that, Bucky?"

"Steve. The shield. Fucking Walker. Fucking everything!" He says, his voice rising at the end, flinching when he feels hands unwrapping his clenched fists.

"And that's okay." He says softly, his hand still holding onto Bucky's. "It's okay to be frustrated. It's okay to be tired. It's okay to feel, Buck. You're human, you're supposed to feel things. Is it just the nightmares keeping you up?"

"I already answered-"

"Or is it also because you're pushing yourself over the limits to feel something?"

"To not feel numb?"

Bucky freezes, his hand tightening in Sam's grip.

"Trust me, Buck. I know."

"I just feel like I shouldn't because I'm basically immortal. I feel selfish. The therapist says I'm free but to do what? I asked her the same question and she didn't reply." He argues feeling his eyes sting with tears.

"Alright, let's get you to bed..." Sam interrupts, shifting so he can get ready to move but Bucky doesn't move. He just stays frozen in his spot. Sam's eyes soften. 

"No, can we stay out here... For a while longer?" He asks timidly, hating the way he sounds so vulnerable.

"Of course." Sam agrees, settling himself back down and if it was closer than last time, Bucky doesn't say anything about it. He threads his hand through Sam's, giving it a comforting squeeze. He sighs in content, resting his eyes once again, only to fall asleep a few moments later, resting his head on Sam's shoulder leaving Sam alone with his thoughts. 

Sam can't help but worry for Bucky. He's not alright.

That's okay though.  He's broken. Bucky's broken but not beyond repair and Sam will do everything in his power to repair him. To repair Bucky to his old self. Or not old self, because that man is long gone, hidden behind layers of reinforced walls of trauma, begging to be let out but Sam won't get there yet. Sure, he may get there later but right now all he has to focus on is making sure he's picking up the broken pieces of Bucky and gluiing them together, breaking down walls and making sure they stay down. 

"I'll fix you, Bucky. Whatever it takes." He whispers softly, resting his head above Bucky's and closing his eyes. He'll protect Bucky and that's a promise he'll try to keep.

"Whatever it takes."