Persistent Dreams - Hawks x Reader (PAUSED)

Pensive

T/W: Angst. Anxiety attack. Overthinking. Self-degradation. Mentions of disassociation. Reader has a severe depressive episode. Narration directly insults and demeans the reader. Hurtful imaginary scenario with Hawks. Overall: PAIN and TOXICITY.

(Please take breaks if this becomes too much. Seriously.)

Word Count: ~4.5k

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Returning home after your d̶a̶t̶e̶ time with Hawks, the apartment felt colder than before. Silence in the absence of the distractions you so willingly fell into. The ability to forget only lasts so long.

You had wished parting with the blond was never an option in the first place. Codependency screaming into the void as he flew away to come back, don't leave you alone to lock away inside your skull. But that attack you put off is sure to come back, stronger. Fast approaching.

Visiting Shuji is an option but reaching out so soon after moving away feels wrong. You're an adult, handling these problems is your responsibility and yours alone. Burdening anyone else with such issues makes your chest tighten. No, this is the weight you carry on your shoulders. Everyone has problems, these are yours to bear.

The once happy go lucky mood you had is brought down the moment you step into your apartment. Reality settling back in.

Placing down your belongings, you meander over to the couch and sit down inside the dark living room. With no hunger to feed, no preening to occupy your time, nothing left to do but turn on the TV, you hardly pay attention to the moving screen as you dissociate off into the empty wall beside the only light emanating in the room. A soft glow partially highlighting your body.

The dreams haven't stopped, even after becoming u̶s̶e̶l̶e̶s̶s̶ quirkless. Are they meant to serve as a way to torment you? Remind you of what you've lost? They taunt you, dangling the plan you once had in your face, laughing as you stare at it with desolate longing.

You were going to use your quirk as leverage, sing promises to Dabi you could take his pain away with your healing. Now? That bargaining chip is off the table.

Hawks' healer is no more, she's a quirkless, ineffective, worthless pawn in all of this. If he gets hurt, her hands won't glow– they can't do as they were made. Her purpose was to fix things, solve problems and concur villains by serving as a cog in the machine of hero society. She sped up the process, kept things lubricated, and prevented stalls in the moving parts.

Thumb rubbing in the palm of your hand, your lips tighten as they tremble. It's getting harder to breathe as your chest constricts in on itself. Of all the equations you've faced, this one has you stumped beyond comprehension.

Before, when you had a quirk, things felt less bleak. Back then you had something, it wasn't much but it wasn't nothing either.

If Hawks meets the staple villain... if he gets burnt despite your warnings, what will you do then? Without a way to piece the hero back together will he ever recover? It's not that he isn't a tough son of a bitch, he's in the top ten for a fucking reason.

Will the blue inferno be his fall?

The backup he needed, the backup you were supposed to be is no more. Hawks' flesh will burn, boil, mutate, and scar at the hands of Dabi. His wings. His wings will be mercilessly turned to ash. All for what? A kill assignment? That's what you assume the body on the floor (with a red feather in its back) means.

Hawks' ability to fly will be stripped from him.

Your hands tangle inside your hair, gripping and pulling at the gathered strands. White wings wrapping around you as your knees tuck into your chest.