Red vs Blue: Private Jessie

Episode 61: "Fair Competition"

In Blood Gulch, Sarge has gathered the Reds outside of Red Base...

Blood Gulch
Sarge: Alright men. And Donut. Since Simmons has been demoted for reasons of dementia-

Simmons: The tank was real!

Sarge: -and he's been ordered by the Judge to stay at least two hundred yards away from us-

Simmons: Oh come on, that wasn't a real Judge! That was Donut wearing a powdered wig!

Donut: Over-

Donut clears his throat.

Donut: Overruled. Shame on you. Hurr.

Sarge: -we are now holding auditions for the permanent position of Second in Command here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

Simmons: WHAT!?

Sarge: And since Simmons is disqualified because of the afore mentioned cuckooness, Jessie is already the Unofficial Science Officer and Grif is ineligible-

Grif turns to Sarge.

Grif: Because I don't wanna compete?

Sarge: Because you're ineligible!

Grif: No, I just don't want to compete.

Sarge: Of course you don't... because you're ineligible!

Grif sighs.

Grif: Whatever.

Donut turns to Sarge and giggles.

Donut: I guess that means I get the job, because I'm unopposed! ...which is the same way I got "Most Likely to be Fabulous" in high school!

Sarge: Actually Donut, I managed to find some other candidates for you to compete against.

Donut: Huh?

Sarge steps out of the way, revealing Donut's competition.

Sarge: We've located an old wrench used by Lopez, and this skull of unknown origin. Some dirt and a rock entered the preliminaries but they didn't make it to the semifinals. Lazy bastards.

Donut walks up and crouches next to the wrench and skull.

Donut: You guys are goin' down. In yo face wrench, in yo face! Take that... bonehead, ha ha ha, woo!

Sarge: You will be competing against each other in a series of grueling events in order to gain my attention. First up, the obstacle course!

Sarge turns to Grif.

Sarge: Grif! Get the alligators!

Grif: I thought I was ineligible.

Sarge: To earn my respect, dirtbag. You're still perfectly capable of grunt work.

Simmons turns and storms off.

Simmons: Oh man, I can't believe this. My life was going exactly as planned. I was second in command of a marginally successful unit, I had a superior officer who genuinely cared about me, I was the smartest person in my group, I had the respect and admiration of all my peers. That was the dream! How did it all go so wrong? How! How!? Maybe that stupid tank was just a figment of my imagination...

Simmons turns as Sheila appears right behind him, lowering her barrel.

Sheila: I don't think so.