Red vs Blue: Private Jessie

Episode 37: "Dealer Incentive"

Tucker and Caboose have Donut surrounded inside Blue Base...

Blue Base
Tucker: So, they send a female assassin to try and kill us. Clever, but it won't work. We're immune to your feminine wiles... unless you wanna date one of us?

Donut: Female!? I'm not a girl.

Tucker: Tease.

Donut: I just have light red armor.

Caboose: How is that pink armor anyway? Looks comfortable...

Donut: At first, I really hated it. But it's kinda grown on me. My old armor used to chafe my thighs something awful! But the crotch in this pink one is surprisingly roomy!

Tucker: Silence woman!

Mean while, Sarge is addressing Simmons, Grif and Jessie.

Red Base
Sarge: Good Bhudda's noodle, how could this have happened?!

Jessie: Yeah, do you mind explaining to me again how Donut got captured?

Simmons: I think I know how. It was a strong plan... Grif's just a dumbass.

Grif points at Simmons.

Grif: Hey, I'm using your cerebral cortex.

Sarge: Settle down, ladies. We need a new stratagem, and we need it fast.

Simmons: Donut's sure to crack under the pressure and reveal everything.

Jessie: Hmmm... I'd have to agree with Simmons. He's got one hell of an arm, but Donut doesn't seem like a very... resilient man.

Grif: What's he even gonna tell them? Where we keep his tampons? Where he hides his pink champagne?

Sarge ignores Grif.

Sarge: You're right about that, Jessie. The boy doesn't even see the entertainment value in being tortured! Oh these kids today!

Church enters the Blue Base with Tucker waiting for him.

Blue Base
Church: How's it goin', Tucker? We get any useful information outta the prisoner yet?

Tucker: I figured he was here to steal back Lopez, but he won't give us anything... except a list of crock pot recipes. Would that be useful?

Church: Do we have a crock pot?

Tucker: No, Caboose made a trade with that annoying guy from Blue Command. He swapped it for a mystery box.

Church: What was in the mystery box?

Tucker: A hundred and forty jars of mayonnaise.

Church: ...well that's a good trade.

Tucker: Yeah it doubles as a great sunscreen.

Church: How did you... never mind. Listen, I think I came up with a plan for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the reds.

Tucker: ...

Church and Tucker: ...

Church: The plan does not involve mayonnaise.

Tucker: Dammit, I knew there would be a catch.

With Caboose and Donut...

Caboose: That was fun. Okay, okay, your turn. Truth or dare.