Red vs Blue: Private Jessie

Episode 8: "Don't Ph34r the Reaper"

Canyon
Grif and Simmons stare at the tank.

Grif: Why is it just sitting there?

Simmons: It's just trying to mess with our heads. Let's get back to the Warthog.

In Sheila's HUD.

Sheila: This tank is equipped with an auto-fire sequence that can be activated by pressing the auto-fire button.

Caboose: Auto-fire, auto-fire, here, here! No, wait... okay, that's more a switch than a button...

Sheila: (in the background) This will end the tutorial, and should only be activated if proper safety procedures-

Back with Simmons and Grif.

Simmons: Okay, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...

Grif: Wait. On three? Or three and then go?

Simmons: On three. It's always faster to go on three.

Grif: Okay, okay. On three.

In Sheila's HUD.

Caboose: Here!

Caboose clicks the button.

Sheila: Tutorial deactivated. Auto-fire sequence activated.

With Simmons and Grif.

Simmons: Ready?

Sheila: Acquiring target.

On the cliff with Church and Tucker.

Cliff
Church: I'm going for the jeep. Cover me.

With Simmons and Grif. Grif is backing away.

Canyon
Simmons: One...

Grif turns around and starts running away. Sheila's turret begins to follow Grif back to the Warthog.

Sheila: Target acquired.

Grif: (panting heavily) Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit...

Simmons is still counting.

Simmons: Two...

Sheila's HUD locks onto Grif.

Sheila: Target locked.

Meanwhile, Church is running toward the Warthog. He's panting loudly.

Simmons is STILL counting.

Simmons: Three!

Simmons turns around and sees that Grif already ran.

Simmons: Oh, you back-stabbing cock bite!

Grif: JESSIE! GET AWAY FROM THE WARTHOG!

Jessie, still crouching behind the jeep, looks up at Grif.

Jessie: Huh?

Sheila: Firing main cannon.

Jessie: Oh fuck me.

Sheila fires and blows up the Warthog right in front of Grif. Jessie jumps away from the Warthog as the explosion blows him back.

Simmons crouches next to Sheila.

Simmons: Son of a bitch!

Grif stands next to the destroyed Warthog.

Grif: SON OF A BITCH!

Church stands near Grif.

Church: Son of a bitch!

Jessie pats down his leg, which is currently on fire.

Jessie: SON OF A BITCH!

Sheila continues to fire.

Sheila: Firing main cannon.

Simmons: Shit!

Sheila fires.

Jessie: SCATTER!

Sheila: Firing main cannon.

Simmons: Dammit!

Sheila fires.

Sheila: Firing main cannon.

Church runs back up to meet Tucker.

Cliff
Tucker: Hey dude, the jeep blew up.

Church: No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker.

Grif, Simmons and Jessie meet behind a rock.

Canyon
Sheila: Firing main cannon.

Sheila fires and hits the rock.

Simmons: Hey, I have a GREAT idea. Let's get out of the jeep and sneak around the back of the cliff!

Sheila: Firing main cannon.

Sheila hits the rock again.

Simmons: Great plan, you idiot!

Jessie: Can it, Simmons! I'm thinking.

Sheila's HUD looks over the rock.

Sheila: All targets eliminated. Acquiring new target.

Her crosshair starts panning up and to the left. Meanwhile, Church and Tucker stand in the open looking down at the tank.

Cliff
Church: Hey, Tucker, look at this, man - it's the rookie! And he brought tank out to scare off the reds!

Tucker: What? No way!

Church: Hey, rookie! Good job, man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?

Sheila: New target acquired.

Sheila begins to aim at Church.

Caboose: That's not a target. That's Church!

Church: Yeah, that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on, man?

Sheila: Target locked.

Sheila locks onto Church.

Caboose: What!? No! Target unlock! Unlock! Please help me, nice lady!

Sheila: Firing main cannon.

Caboose: Uh oh...

Tucker: Oh shit...

Church: What? ..Oh, son of a bi-

Church is shot and launched into the air. His body hits the rock face and lands back on the ledge.

Tucker: Holy fuck! Church, are you okay? Talk to me! Church!

Tucker is visible on the cliff in the distance as he yells at Caboose.

Tucker: You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!

Sheila: Auto-fire sequence deactivated.

Church: (dying) Tucker! ...T-Tucker!

Tucker: Church! It's going to be okay, man.

Church: No. Ah... I'm na-I'm not gonna make it. Tucker... there's something I need to tell you.

Tucker: What is it?

Church: I just want you to know.. I always hated you. I always hated you the most.

Tucker: Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you prick.

Church: Okay. Herk!...Bleah...