Red vs Blue: Private Jessie

Episode 15: "How the Other Half Lives"

"Dead World"
Sarge: (with a slight echo) Hello? ... Hello? I said hello? Hello, is anybody out here?

Church appears.

Church: (with a slight echo) Holy cow, would you stop yelling? I'm here.

Church runs up to Sarge.

Sarge: What is this place?

Church: Well, that's... kinda hard to explain. Um... You were shot in the head, buddy. So, here ya are.

Sarge: Am I dead?

Church: Are you dead? Well, yeah, that's how I ended up here.

Sarge: Are you some kinda angel?

Church: (chuckling) Aheh heh heh... am I an angel... Uh, yeah, actually, I am. I'm an angel. Um, do you wanna go to Heaven? 'Cause it's, like, ten bucks to get in.

Sarge: Well I, uh, I didn't really bring any... I mean, my wallet's back in the car.

Church: You don't have it there, huh? Well uh.. that's too bad. Pretty crappy reason to be damned to Hell for an eternity.

Sarge: I don't remember dyin'.

Church: Yeah, that's my fault too. I was... sort of possessing your body at the time that you were shot. Sorry about that.

Sarge: Hold on a second, that ain't fair.

Church: Not fair? Yeah, join the frickin' club. I got shot by my own tank.

Sheila is behind the two, aiming at Church.

Sheila: Target locked.

Church: Oh ha ha, very funny Sheila. Shut up. You know I still haven't forgiven you. I didn't say you could talk to me yet. Go there, get, go over by the base. Shoo, shoo!

Sheila lowers her turret and drives off. Meanwhile, Grif, Simmons and Jessie lean over Sarge's body in the "Real World".

Grif: Sarge! Don't you give up on me soldier, do you hear me? I'm ordering you!

Jessie: Uhhhh, what happened? My head hurts like hell...

"Dead World"
Sarge: Who is that? Who's there?

Church: Looks like your guys are trying to save you.

"Real World"
Grif: You gotta breathe, man! You gotta pull through! Come on, Sarge!

Simmons turns to Jessie.

Simmons: Uh, yeah, I have no fucking clue what's going on. All I remember is getting knocked out.

"Dead World"
Sarge: That is not the way you were trained to do that, Private!

Church: He can't hear you.

"Real World"
Simmons: Grif, this isn't working. We have to try something else.

Jessie: Please don't suggest what I think you're going to suggest.

"Dead World"
Church: If he gives you mouth to mouth, I'm leaving.

"Real World"
Simmons: ...Maybe you should give him mouth to mouth.

Jessie: Alright. I'm going inside to fix this headache.

"Dead World"
Church: I'm leaving.

Sarge: I can't believe how hard they're trying to save me.

Church: Why wouldn't they? I mean, my team didn't, but why wouldn't yours?

Sarge: I thought they didn't like me.

Church: Aw, don't sell yourself short. I don't even know ya, and here I am about to guide you to Heaven for only five bucks.

Sarge: Hold on, if you're an angel, how come you ain't got no wings?

Church: Because nobody rang a bell, ah heh heh heh heh. Seriously, do you have the money or not?

Sarge: Oh, I feel the worst about Grif. I always made fun of him. I never even told him... he was my son.

Church: No kidding! The orange guy is your son?

Sarge: Nah, I just wanted to screw with him one last time. But now I'll never get that chance.

"Real World"
Grif: He's breathing! We saved Sarge!

Simmons: He's what?

"Dead World"
Church: He's what?

Sarge: I'm what?

Sarge laughs.

Sarge: Well, I'll be a monkey's... they saved me.

Church: What? No, come back! We need to even the sides!

Sarge: Thanks for your help, wingless angel fella! (voice starts to fade away) Will I remember any of this?

Church: Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!

Sarge regains consciousness and stands up between Grif and Simmons in the real world.

Sarge: (clears throat) What... What happened here?

Simmons: Sir, you got shot in the head, so we gave you CPR and saved you, sir.

Sarge: I always believed in you, Simmons.

Simmons: Uh, actually, it's Grif you should thank, sir. He did all the work.

Sarge: Grif?

Simmons: Yes, sir.

Sarge turns to Grif.

Sarge: Grif, why in Hell would you give somebody CPR for a bullet wound in the head!? That doesn't make a lick of sense.

Grif: (sighs) You're welcome, sir.

Sarge: I mean it's all so damn inconsistent! What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe? Rub my neck with aloe vera?! And where the hell is Jessie?!