Red vs Blue: Private Jessie

Episode 84: "Strong Male Figure"

Just outside of Blue Base, Tucker, Church, and Caboose stand around Junior as Doc walks away, towards the base. Church turns to Tucker.

Outside of Blue Base
Church: So...

Church looks down at Junior.

Church: This is it, Tucker. This is your little monstrosity. Tucker Two, or Junior, or whatever the fuck we're calling it.

Tucker: Uhhh... what do I do?

Church: Why're you asking me?

Tucker looks at Junior, then back at Church.

Tucker: I don't know how to be a dad! This isn't the way I planned it...

Church stifles a laugh.

Church: You planned this? Tucker, I had no idea.

Tucker shakes his head.

Tucker: No no no. I mean, I always wanted to have the ideal father-son relationship! You know, the one where I see him for like eight hours every other weekend and send checks to some woman I hate!

Caboose sighs, fondly.

Caboose: You know, it's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my mom...

Church: ...we can unpack that later with the therapy puppets, Caboose. Let's just leave these two alone, for now. Let 'em do a little bonding.

Church starts to drag Caboose away but stops when Tucker steps in front of him.

Tucker: Wait, don't leave me here with him! What am I supposed to say?

Caboose: Ooh, ask him if he likes baseball!

Church: It's an alien baby, Caboose.

Caboose hums, thinking for a moment.

Caboose: ...ask him if he likes tee-ball!

Church groans.

Church: Alien, Caboose. Alien was the keyword in that sentence.

Tucker: Seriously, don't go. I don't even know where to start!

Church sighs as he gestures to Junior.

Church: Tucker, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people, so that they can seduce them, and then impregnate them. So, why don't you start with that? You know, common ground.

Tucker starts to respond, then quiets.

Tucker: ...yeah, I think I'll just stick to baseball.

Caboose: Ooh ooh, tell him about how his dad got to third base with you!

Church spins around.

Church: CABOOSE!

Across the Gulch, Grif, Jessie, Simmons, and Sister all stand outside of Red Base, surrounding the recently filled grave that's holding Sarge.

Outside of Red Base
Jessie: So... does anyone have a timer going? We need to know when to dig Sarge up before he runs out of oxygen.

Simmons: Oxygen?

Grif steps forward.

Grif: Yeah. You know, to breathe and stuff?

Simmons nods.