Red vs Blue: Private Jessie

Episode 25: "Last Words"

Red Base
The Warthog has Sarge pinned and is slowly firing closer and closer to his head. Doc is still trying to push the turret, while Jessie is trying to push the jeep.

Simmons: Okay, we gotta do something here guys.

Jessie: What'd you think I'm doing, Simmons? Someone help me!

Doc: Yeah, and I could really use some help too!

Donut: You know, you're right. I got dibs on Sarge's armor!

At Blue Base, Tucker is kneeling in front of Church. The beeping is still heard.

Tucker: Okay, Church, you ready? I'm gonna yank the wire.

Red Base
Sarge: Grif, if you see Lopez, tell him I forgive him. Tell him... he was like a son to me.

Grif: I thought Simmons was like a son to you?

Sarge: No offense, Simmons. Lopez and I just... understood each other better.

Simmons: Understood? He refused to speak English!

Jessie: Guys, this really isn't the ti-

Grif: Yeah, and he ran away the first chance he got.

Simmons: And now he's trying to kill you with a remote control jeep.

Sarge: Ahhhh, what a little rascal.

Jessie: So no one's gonna help us? Alright, that's fine.

Blue Base
Tucker: Alright, here goes nothin'. One... Two... Three!

Tucker pulls the wire, there's a small electrical sound, and the beeping stops.

Church: Oh god, yes! Finally! Some freakin' peace and quiet! I thought that was gonna drive me nuts! ...Hey. Why can't I move my legs?

The Warthog stops firing.

Red Base
Warthog: (emits its series of beeps, shutting down) Signal lost.

Grif: Wow, that was a close one. Are you okay, Sarge?

Sarge: Ah, horse puckey, I'm fine. Although I do have to admit, maybe a little bit disappointed.

Simmons: It's okay, sir. I know that you said a lot of things that you didn't mean. People say crazy stuff when they're faced with their own mortality.

Sarge: It's not that. I just felt like I could have taken him.

Jessie: Taken who, Sir? The machine gun?

Sarge: Oh he was a worthy opponent to be sure, but right at the end there he was beginning to show signs of weakness. Cracks in the armor, if you will.

Grif: What? You can't fight a machine gun.

Donut: Yeah, Sarge. I know you're tough and all, but it is kinda hard to beat up hundreds of armor piercing bullets using only your face.

Sarge: And yet, he surrendered.

Doc: Guys, guys, it's okay, I've seen this before. Sarge just lived through a very traumatic ordeal. We all have ways of coping with the stress.

Grif: Oh yeah? How do you deal with it?

Doc: Oh I have my own system that works pretty well for me... by the way, the driver seat of the jeep is gonna need a thorough cleaning.

Jessie: Not it!

Grif: Not it! ...Fuck!

Blue Base
Church: This is great, this is just great! Thanks a lot, Caboose. Now what'm I supposed to do? My lower half is damaged.

Caboose: Why don't you try walking it off?

Church: I can't use my legs, moron.

Caboose: Oh, I see... Have you tried running?

Tucker: This doesn't seem like that big a deal. You hardly ever used your legs before anyway. I've never heard of a grown man asking for so many piggy-back rides.

Church: Hey, I already told you, that was for science.

Caboose: Why don't you just try walking on your hands? Then you could use your feet for high fiiiiives, and... eatin' sandwicheeeees... and, you know, the important stuff.

Red Base
Simmons: Hey, Doc, although I'm sure Sarge enjoys having his spine pulverized into dust, maybe you should go ahead and back up the Warthog.

Doc: Oh, right. Sorry.

Doc accidentally drives the Warthog forward into Sarge again.

Sarge: Oh, hot buttered lug nuts!

Jessie: Doc! Be careful!

Doc: Ooo, geez, I'm really sorry. I-I just was in the wrong gear, let me just...

Doc accidentally rams Sarge again.

Sarge: Yoh, geez! There goes mah last kidney! I was saving that one for a special occasion.

Doc: Third time's a charm?

Simmons: I don't think so, Poindexter. Outta the jeep, now!

Doc: I'm really sorry guys. I was only trying to help. Really!

Grif: Oh, is that all? I for one was totally confused. I thought you were savagely trying to kill our sergeant by ramming him over and over with a six thousand pound steel death machine. Now that we know that you're just trying to help, by all means, please continue.

Doc: ...Really?

Grif and Simmons: Get out!

Jessie: Hey, at least he was trying to save Sarge! Even if he is trying to kill him now...

Meanwhile, Tucker is kneeling in front of Church, working on his wires.

Blue Base
Church: Well just start reattaching wires, I'll tell you when I feel something.

Tucker: What about that? Do you feel that, Church?

Church: No, what're you doing? I don't feel anything.

Caboose: Oh, Church? You know, I was thinkin'... Uh yih yih ya know, when you, when you eat ice cream too fast sometimes and it hurts your brain?

The Reds are seen from a distance approaching Blue Base.

Church: Hey, Caboose? Yeah. Shut up.

Caboose: (seeing the Reds) Uhhhh... Church? I think that you should know that the Reds are-

Church: Dammit, Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut yer freakin' mouth!

Simmons: Hey, Blues, we're here to-

The Reds see Tucker kneeling in front of Church.

Simmons: What the hell are you guys doing!?