Broken | ✓

CHAPTER THIRTY ONE: LOVE IS CONFUSING

                             Jide
When  Ireti sent me out of her house, I repeated the words “She loves me” severally, that was the only way I could stay sane. I forced myself to believe she was going through a hard time and just needed space but that wasn’t enough to stop my heart from breaking. Ireti was the only good thing in my life, my ray of sunshine. Losing her meant I would be thrown back into that dark empty hole. I didn’t want to lose her.

Each time my phone buzzed, I ran to it, hoping it was Ireti but like every other time I was met with a stinging disappointment. She stopped coming to work but that didn’t stop me from glaring at my window whenever I heard footsteps approaching. Ifeoma said she was doing fine and I shouldn’t worry, she would be back to work but days quickly turned to weeks. I painted her over and over again just to feel close to her. My house was littered with paintings of her.

I would wait outside her house wishing to see her. Once, I saw her, she came out to empty the trash can. It was dark but the little light the street lamp could afford let me see she wasn’t my bubbly Ireti. Her shoulders were slouched and she dragged her legs. I wanted so badly to embrace her that night but I had promised to give her space so I stayed put watching her.

Ireti refused to pick my calls, respond to my texts or see me for two weeks but I kept calling, texting and visiting her. She had me on a leash, this much I knew.  Here she was standing before me as my body ached to hold her in my arms but I couldn’t because she dropped a bomb on me and as much as I wanted to hold her, I also wanted to scream at her.
“Why are you resigning?” I asked, glancing at the resignation letter on the table.

“I am sure you know why” she replied.

“No, I don’t Ireti, so kindly tell me”

“Jide please just take it” she turned to leave. I stood up and rushed to the door, blocking her pathway.

“Are you really done with me?” I questioned.

“Jide, we talked about this...”

“No! you talked” I interrupted. “I didn’t agree to any of this” I continued. “Why are you doing this?”

“For you. You can’t be with someone like me”

“Someone like you? ireti I don’t care that you were raped i…”

“I care!” she exclaimed.

“if you found someone else just say so and stop giving me lame excuses” I was beginning to believe there was someone else in the picture. My father would withdraw from my mother every time he was seeing someone new and that was exactly what Ireti was doing, she was withdrawing.

“I am so hurt; you think I am leaving you for someone else” her eyes were filled with tears.

“My father would act like this anytime he was seeing someone and he was a chronic cheater. That’s the only explanation I can fathom”

“So, I am being compared to your father now” she said.

“Well, you are leaving me just like he left my mother and I am acting like her clinging to you” My mother was the last thing I ever wanted to become. I always told myself to never dwell in a place I wasn’t wanted and here I was practically begging Ireti to allow me remain in her life. Love turned me into my mother, a love-struck puppy.

“Don’t leave me please” I moved to her, tears rolling down my cheeks.
She brushed my face lightly, wiping the tears away. I leaned into her, God! I had missed her.

“Don’t go” I repeated.

“Take care of yourself Jide” she said and walked out.

This was why people ran away from love because it causes you pain, an inexplicable pain. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like I was stabbed a million times and it also felt like I was betrayed. She lied to me, she said she was going to be by my side and I would never again be alone but she lied. There is nothing like a come and stay in a world of people come and go because they all eventually leave.
I hate that love takes away your willpower because I didn’t want to fall for her or anybody, I wanted to die alone. Stupid Cupid should have let me be.