There's Fire

Clocking Back In

Roman's POV

            I sat watching Janae cradle a fussy Tati to her chest. She was teething all day long and Eva wanted no parts of her sister unlike she usually would. The only time she would stop crying was if Janae held her. Janae had Val bring Tati to her and she was able to soothe the upset baby. She had fallen asleep, but Janae just sat with her back against the headboard of our bed staring into nothing. Every so often when Tati stirred or made a noise she would comfort her, but she'd soon drift back to sleep and Janae would stare back at nothing. I just laid there watching her. She hadn't come out of our bedroom for the past two days which was concerning and new. She'd sleep for a greater part of the day, but at night is when she'd move around the house. She'd pack Adrian's lunches and write a note in them. She'd shower and take care of her hygiene. Then she'd sit on the couch in out room and just check out. Every night I'd watch her and when she would come back to bed I'd hold her close. "A penny for your thoughts." I broke the silence.
    "She's sweating." She smiled down at Tati. "She gets really hot in her sleep like Val."
    "Well strip her down to her diaper." I chuckled. She carefully undressed her and I smiled at Tati's rosy cheeks. "I'm going to go lay her in her bed. I'll be back." She got up and left our room. She came back about 5 minutes later and quickly fell asleep. I wrapped my arm around her and went to sleep. I just didn't want her slipping away.

I walked in my bed room and saw Janae laying in our bed. I didn't think any of it until I noticed her chest was not moving. As quickly as I could I moved to her and saw our bed soaked in her blood. The was a razor in her right hand and her left wrist was slit in more ways than one. Tears started streaming down my face. "Help! Anyone help! No, no, no, no baby you have to get up. Come one Paris you have to get up." I pulled her into my lap and stroked her cheek. Her skin was so cool. "Help! Please someone call an ambulance! Come one baby open your eyes. Please let me see your beautiful brown eyes." I opened her eyes for her and they were empty staring straight at nothing. "No baby, no, you can't leave me. No Paris, come one get up. Please Janae I can't do this without you. Help!" I screamed for help and tried to comfort her as much as possible. "Baby it'll be okay. I promise." I looked around for my phone or hers and saw a piece of paper on the nightstand that had I'm sorry written in her handwriting. J sat up in bed drenched in sweat. I looked over at her sleeping on her side of the bed. I watched her chest rise and fall with every deep breath my anxiety from that nightmare faded. I gently kissed her and she smiled at me in her sleep. I carefully moved out of my bed to my walker. I wasn't going to worry about my cane or attempt to use it tonight. I left our bedroom and took the elevator up. I knocked on the door that had become Dre's room. He answered groggily. "Please help me." I asked. He nodded and we spent hours setting the house up and hiding anything that could be used to harm herself. I temporarily disabled her code to the guns safes in the house. I send out a memo letting all security assigned to our family letting them know if Janae requested them to bring or acquire her anything to run it through me until further notice. I instructed Corey to relay to his team the specifics of what to verify. I knew she wouldn't hurt herself, but I was still afraid of the slightest possibility that she would. I didn't want to take that chance. I know she said she wasn't suicidal and I trust her. I just don't trust the dark thoughts that may live in her brain for now.

I was drying off as Janae brushed her teeth after our shower. I walked up behind her and hugged her. She smiled at me and put her tooth brush down. "I called Bella to bring a morning after pill for you." I kissed her shoulder.
    "Why?" She looked at me in the mirror. "I thought you wanted a baby. I know that would make you happy. Let's try." I saw the desperation in her eyes I had never seen before.
    "I do want a baby. We make beautiful babies my love, but I'm not going to sacrifice you or your mental health for one." I could see her trying to understand me, but no connection.
    "You want a son. I just want to give you one Roman please." Tears welled up in her eyes.
    "We will have a son one day." I held her tighter because she wanted this for me and not her.
    "Roman, please."
    "No Paris." I could see her start to unravel. I needed to put my foot down about this. "I can't in good conscious let you not take the pill with your mental health in the state that it's in at the moment." She was just trying to give me what I wanted. Part of me regretted our night and early morning. She took my birthday very seriously and each year she would scrape the bottom of the barrel for anything I could want. She knows a son is the last thing I want. "This year for my birthday all I want is you. I want you to get better. I want you to focus on you." She nodded her head. She quietly told me my clothes were on the bed and helped me to the bed. She walked out of our bedroom. She came back a few minutes later with a bag. I assumed my sister was here. I slipped my briefs on and my slacks. I gently took the bag out of her hand and pulled her close to me. I removed the package from the bag and opened it. I stood up and placed it in her mouth and handed her a cup of water. She hesitated for a moment but swallowed it. I took the cup from her and set it back on the nightstand. She opened her mouth just to prove she took it and that broke my heart. I just leaned my forehead to hers. "I'm so sorry Paris. I'm so sorry." I held her and felt her warm tears on the side of my neck. I just silently cried with her because I knew this was my fault. I knew it. That's what made it so painful. We sat there for 15 minutes until she stopped. She shook her head and mumbled that she had to get ready. I nodded and let her go. After a while I peaked in the bathroom once I was fully dressed to check on her. She had music playing while she did her hair. She wasn't singing and dancing while doing it as she once did, but I hadn't heard her play music in a really long time, since being home really, I took that as a good sign. Even if it was a small amount of hope, it was home never the less. "I'm going to go sit in the living room unless you want me to stay in here." I called out.