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Still Thursday
Jake
I was sat in Niall's office, crying as he offered words of comfort and advice.
I felt awful for what I had said to Megan, and regretted it the instant the words were out of my mouth.
"Jake," Niall spoke calmly, trying to get my attention.
"I just want to talk to Ashton," I pleaded.
"I know. You have a good relationship with Ashton?"
"Uhuh," I nodded.
"How come you feel so comfortable talking to him?"
"When I first got diagnosed, my parents had recently divorced," I explained "I took it very badly and my mum signed me up for therapy. It didn't go well. I'd had three therapists before I was admitted. They all got me to share my secrets and problems and then didn't help me to deal with them. When I was admitted, I was given a therapist from the hospital. I refused to speak to them; I wasn't going through the same thing again. It didn't take long for them to give up on me. I was transferred to Ashton. I didn't speak to him at all for 2 months, trying to get him to leave me alone, but he didn't stop trying to help me and never gave up on me, didn't even think of transferring me to someone else. Eventually, I gave in and spoke to him and he helped me a lot, with the divorce and the cancer. I got cleared and went home but I got diagnosed again a couple months back and now I'm here again and Ashton has been very helpful, especially considering my mum died last week."
Before Niall could respond, the door opened, Ashton walking into the room.
"Come on, let's go to my office," he said gently, and I stood and followed him from the room, down the corridor, and towards his office.
I was much more comfortable once we were there. I wasn't sure what it was but I felt safe here.
"Talk to me, Jake," Ashton spoke softly after a moment of silence had passed between us as we sat facing each other, Ashton having moved his chair to the same side of the desk as me.
"I don't know what to say," I spoke quietly, shaking my head before holding it in my hands.
"Let's start off with why you've been so closed off the past couple of days and haven't left your room."
"You spoke to me two days ago; you know why," I answered.
"I know why you've been struggling, yes," Ashton spoke slowly "and I understand you have a lot going on in your life right now but could you tell me a bit more about why you've been refusing to let anyone see you?"
"I'm fucking dying!" I yelled, taking Ashton by surprise I'm sure. "I got cancer free, I went home, I was going to live a normal life. But it had to come back and it's getting worse, we all know that, and it has been hard enough on the people I have in my life; I will not drag anyone else into it, especially if I'm not going to be here for long."
I could see Ashton's eyes softening. "So this is about you not wanting to let anyone get close to you if you're going to die?"
I nodded.
"So those things you said about Megan were only to push her away because you care about her and don't want her to be hurt if she loses you further down the line?"
I nodded again, not able to stop the tears.
For only having known her for a short period of time, I cared about Megan a lot and didn't want to hurt her.
"I knew the door was open, I knew she would hear. I thought pushing her away now, stopping us from getting any closer, would be better for us both and would hurt us less but I was wrong and I felt so awful the moment I said the words and now I don't know if I can fix it."
"Megan cares about you too, Jake," Ashton said softly "I'm sure if you explain the situation to her and your reasons for saying what you did then she will understand."
"I don't want to tell her I'm dying."
"You don't have to tell her that, because it's not true."
"You know my cancer is getting worse; you can't deny that," I argued.
"There have been signs of deterioration but Michael is going to do absolutely everything he can to stop that and to help you get better."
"I don't want to have a major operation, Ashton," I said. I was very concerned about the operation. I'd had surgery before and it had been painful after I had woken up, more so than I was expecting, and I didn't want to do that again.
"Are you thinking of refusing treatment?" Ashton asked, entirely serious.
"No, I don't know, maybe," I answered quickly unable to meet Ashton's gaze.
"You've been doing so well, Jake, why would you want to stop now?" Ashton asked gently.
"There just doesn't seem much point anymore," I mumbled.
"To you living, do you mean?"
I nodded, gaze fixed on the floor. "My mum's dead, no one can seem to contact my dad, I've got no friends, my life is painful and hard, and there's no one left to live it for."
"But there is, Jake," Ashton said. "There are so many people who care about you, and who want you to get better. I do. Michael does too. And every other patient and doctor on this ward who has seen your struggles wants you to get better. And even without all that, there's still you."
I looked up at that, feeling overwhelmed by his initial words but confused by the last few. Ashton caught in quickly to my feelings and began to explain.
"You have yourself to live for, to get better for to give yourself the life you deserved. You don't deserve to be stuck here, Jake, sick and unable to do what you want to. You owe it to yourself to fight the cancer with all you've got, to get better, and live the best life you can, doing all the things you love and can't do now. You don't need to get better for anyone else except yourself. You owe it to yourself to try."
I broke down at his words.
"I'm just so sick of it all," I cried, as Ashton wrapped his arms around me, comforting me as the tears rolled down my cheeks.
A long time later, Ashton had managed to help me calm down.
We both agreed that I was in no state to see Megan right now and would apologise to her tomorrow and to and make amends for what I said.
I found it very hard to sleep that night, thinking of my broken relationship with Megan and the major surgery I knew I would have to have soon.
This hospital was driving me nuts and I was so sick of the pain, the illness, and the misery.
I was so fucking sick of it.
