Now All That's Left is Dust

Chapter Thirty-Six

Chapter Thirty-Six

Happy

We all know what will make us happy, but we don't always do them. Why? We're afraid, and we lack the courage to be ourselves. We think speaking honestly and openly about who we are, what we're feeling, and our experiences is shameful.

How I wish I could have known what I know today during those desperate and defeated moments of my past. If I could go back and whisper in my ear, I'd repeatedly tell myself this same thing.

I am enough no matter what gets done and how much is left undone. Content is going to bed at night thinking and acknowledging that I am imperfect and vulnerable. Sometimes afraid, but that doesn't mean that I am not worthy of love and capable of loving.

"Hi, Mom!"

I sat in the chair at the table inside the room, folding my arms across my chest. I gave the twin a look of disapproval on the very cellphone screen in front of me. The apparent disappointment in my face, the exaggerating twitching of my lips, and the rising of my brow would have to mean something, but the two grinned naughtily. They look happy seeing their Mom in distress.

"Hindi ba maganda ang gising natin, Mom?"

"Kailan kayo uuwi rito?" hindi natutuwang tanong ko pabalik sa kanila na nagngisian muli.

They were away from home for one month already. Mukhang wala na akong planong uwiin. Gusto kong intindihin pero pinipigilan ako ng pagiging paranoid kong klase na ina. Mom and Dad would always tell me to keep my calm and just understand. Hindi naman daw ako iniwan o inabandona. Babalikan naman daw ako kapag na-miss na ang kilay at bunganga ko. I am doubting about the latter. Been there myself. Hindi ko kailanman na-miss ang kilay at bunganga ni Mommy.

"Malapit na, Mom." sagot ni Hunter sabay akbay sa kambal niyang si Crayon na nakayuko habang nakaupo at parang may ginagawa.

Hindi nahagip ng camera ang pinagkakaabalahan ni Crayon kaya naningkit ang mga mata ko sa pagsilip at paghula. I'm very sure he wasn't holding a phone. Wala rin sa harap ng isang personal computer.

"Gaano kalapit?"

"Next year, Mom."

Ngumisi si Crayon na abala pa rin si kanyang ginagawa nang marinig ang isinagot ng kapatid niya.

"Huwag na kayong umuwi kung ganoon."

They both grinned mischievously. Inayos ni Hunter ang pagkakalagay ng cellphone kaya nalaman ko sa wakas kung ano ang ginagawa ng kapatid niya.

"Ano 'yan, Crayon Brent?"

Crayon joyfully extended his arms. In his two hands was a cute pink little jumper with an embroidered name.

"Hunter and I embroidered this for Amelia. Isn't it cute, Mom?"

Umayos ako ng upo at mas inilapit pa ang mukha sa screen ng cellphone.

"Sobra! Ang cute!"

"We know, right, and it comes with a cute pink little hat and shoes." Crayon informed me, smiling while Hunter was busy waving the hat and the shoes at the camera screen.

Kagaya ng jumper may nakaburda rin na pangalan sa sapatos at sombrero.

Muli akong napangiti. "Ang cute-cute! Saan niyo natutunang magburda?"

Hindi ko naman naalalang tinuruan ko silang magburda dahil hindi ko alam kung paano. Hindi ako tinuruan ni Mommy dahil si Mommy din walang kaalam-alam. May nagturo naman daw sa kanya noon na hired ng mga parents niya pero hindi siya interesado. Ang tanging natutunan niya lang daw ay ang magpasok ng sinulid sa karayom.