The Void of a Future King (mxm)

21. Never Let the Real One Go

53 Days Left

"I'm sorry. That was lame. I'm happy for you. Im so, so happy she accepts you.", Sam smiled at Remiul. Without thinking, he placed his hand on his leg, just above the knee. For a split second he was self-conscious about it but that faded when Remiul smiled back. It was the most authentic, whole-hearted action he had seen from the man in a while.

"Thank you."

"I wanted to meet because... well I..."

"You....?"

The grin that was on Sam's face went away.

"I can't do this anymore. I can't just keep waiting to find out what you want from me. It's clear that I'm not enough.", Sam moved his hand away from Remiul. As soon as Sam spoke the words he saw Rem's grin fall into a frown.

"What? Why'd do you mean? I-"

"Don't say it. It'll only make it harder for the both of us.", Sam knew Remiul was about to say the words. Once they were said things could never be the same.

"But I do, I-"

"No. Don't. Stop.".

Remiul wanted to do anything to make him stay. He was willing to say the words. To ruin everything else, but Sam wouldn't let him. Now may not be the time but Remiul wanted to stay with him long enough for it to be.

"You're enough. More than enough. I'm sorry if I have not shown it. Just please-", Remiul took a deep breath in, trying to maintain his composure. "Please don't go.". His voice was strained. Samuel could tell how much it was killing him to say it.

"I can't.", Sam shook his head. "I'm- I'm sad. All the time."

Before Sam could continue, Remiul stepped in.

"Ok, I can help you with that. I can- I can hire a therapist for you. I can-", Remiul jumped with excitement.

"No.", Sam cut off. "Don't you see? This is killing me. Whatever we are is hurting me."

Rem stopped breathing for a second. More tears fought to the surface of his eyes, making them glossy. Though he felt his whole world shatter, he fought them.

"You don't mean that.", Remiul denied, shaking his head. His throat hurt from holding back his tears.

"I do. I do mean it.", Remiul wanted to speak but couldn't think of anything to say. "I'm depressed and can't move on. Not from my past boyfriend dying or my father... not when I'm with you. You try so hard to make me feel better but I don't. I don't try for myself. When I'm with you... all I can think of is you. What I can do for you and how I can help you. Sure, you make me happy but I don't make myself happy. I hate myself. I don't want to hate myself anymore.".

A tear rolled down Sam's cheek. In the dark night, Remiul didn't notice. The only clue to it was Samuel wiping it away, getting Rem's attention.

"But I... but I-"

"You?", Sam scoffed and rolled his eyes. He shook his head, as if he couldn't believe Remiul. Because he couldn't. "How are you making this about yourself?-".

"I didn't mean-", Remiul cut him off but Sam didn't let him finish.

"Don't you see how selfish you are? God, Remiul!", Samuel exploded. He got up from the bench they had been swinging on in sync and whisper-yelled, trying not to wake everyone up. "I fucking love you but damn. I'm telling you I'm depressed and hate myself and you seriously try to make it about you!?"

"I love you too.", Remiul got up, smiling as Sam was fuming. Their eyes met for a moment before Sam pulled away.

He ran his hands through his hair in frustration as he turned his back to Remiul. His heart tugged in his chest. He had imagined-dreamed-hoped so many times for this moment to come. For Remiul to profess his love, or do some grand gesture, and now it was happening but he couldn't allow himself to enjoy it. He had his mind set on leaving him and that's what he had to do. He fought his heart as it screamed to give himself over to Remiul with everything he has. Tears fell from his eyes out of frustration.