Once in a lifetime.

28

Microsoft Doc
-Cross my heart and hope to die-

People who have long-distance relationships understand me when I say keeping in contact is all up to you guys. If you two WANT to talk, you'll make it happen. If you WANT to see each other you'll make it happen, but sometimes it's harder than it seems.

Dalton is with his friends on tour right now, I can't just call him up and be like "sup man wanna come over?" In fact, half the time I have to wait until he contacts me. Yes, we text good morning and good night, but some days that is as far as it goes.

I've never been one to beg for attention but sometimes I want to beg dalton to take a step back and take a moment to call me, say you need some air or you need to poop, and call me. I can't say much though, because I know he does try, he tries really hard. I mostly tell myself that cause the thought of him abandoning me sends me into a panic. I love him, don't get me wrong and I couldn't think about spending the rest of my life with anyone else, but it's difficult when all you want to do is spend time with that person and you can't even call them and talk about missing them.

I say all this because It's been two months since Dalton and I have Skyped. He says he's busy, but he's not too busy to take pictures with his bandmates of them parting. I know I shouldn't be upset, he's living his dream, and maybe it's completely wrong for me to feel this way, but sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I hadn't given Dalton that note. If he hasn't read it. If he had never emailed me, and if I never gave him my number.

I don't try to think about it often, I like myself when I'm happy, but happy is becoming a very thin term. It's coming to the point where I'm wondering who I am, my whole life I've always thought I've belonged, but now I'm starting to question it. My life is becoming me only being happy when Dalton is around, and for the rest of it, I'm walking the line between happy and sad. My life has become a routine and I hate it.

I've never been depressed but I've seen how it changes people. They stop doing what they love, they push away people they need. They sit in their rooms and listen to sad depressing music read sad books and cry. At least that's what I've seen or heard. My brother was depressed for a time. It was horrible, and I don't want to become that, but I can feel it creeping in on me.  I can feel myself becoming that way. I've started reading darker books than I normally read. Ones called "Fury" and it messes with your mind, and I like it.

It scares me how into this book I am, how much the dark characters intrigue me. I'm transported into their world and I love it. I've read it four times now, and I'm getting ready to start it again. The ending is a killer, and that's why I think I enjoy it. It kills you and give you a reason to feel the way I do right now. I've recently realized that life sucks, and books give you false hope.

So to you, dear trusty word document, I swear, on this rainy day that I will, from this day forward tell you the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. And while you might not like it, and it might hurt, I mean it, and I'll keep my promise.