Once in a lifetime.

⚠️15

February

Juliet

This was the first time I'd gone to therapy alone. I mean I guess I'm not 'alone' because Dalton is here with me. I don't know why he's here, I told him that he didn't have to go, just drop me off but he insisted.

"I wanted the whole deal," he told me when I was demanding he get back into the car. "this is a part of getting you, besides I haven't seen my therapist in way too long, so maybe this will be good for me." Tori is still grabbing any little thing she can to try and get Johnny out, and she's actually doing really really well. She's been able to start the progress, which means she's doing that instead of being here. Brendan always said that it was never mandatory that we came, just highly encouraged. I didn't want to come, especially because Tori, the person I feel like is my rock isn't here. But Dalton is. I glance at him beside me and he seems nervous.

"Juliet?" Brendan calling my name makes me stop bouncing my legs. "Your turn?"

I can't meet any of their eyes today. Normally I would grasp onto Tori's eyes or even Charlie's because at least she didn't look like she felt sorry for me. Even though we don't talk outside of the group she never makes me feel silly. I clear my throat trying to buy my time. I can feel Dalton's eyes on me. Why did I let him come with me? This is the one place I let all my demons be seen and he's here. Most of my demons revolve around him, so is this even fair?

He decided to come

I remind myself.

You told him it wasn't a good idea.

I take a deep breath and find Charlie's black boots. "I feel like everyone else is just normally gaining weight and then I'm a bloated whale"

Brendan interrupts me. "Juliet you know the rules, recovery for everyone looks different. Every person's body is different, so it's only natural that yours would react differently than another person's."

"But people who eat more than me look skinnier."

"Don't forget that your mind is blinded by how you believe you look, not how you actually look. You also have a bigger picture to look at." I know that he's talking about the baby but that's the last thing I want to think about right now. I don't even know why I decided to share, it was a stupid idea. "Setbacks are going to happen and it's something that you can't prevent, but something you have to work through. It doesn't make your story any less important, it doesn't mean all your progress was for nothing. Each and every one of you are more than your battles, your disorders, your self-hate."

I appreciate Brendan's attempts to boost our self-esteem but sometimes I can't lie, I know it falls on deaf ears. I nod occasionally trying not to get annoyed at him. I know he cares for us. I know he wants the best for us.

"Now that you have all mindless nodded at my amazing words of encouragement, we can move on." A few people laugh but most of us don't. "I'm sorry for interrupting Juliet."

I shrug my shoulders trying to pretend like it didn't hurt my feeling. "I just sometimes feel like it's all for nothing. I feel like everything I've worked for is for nothing."

"Worked for what? What do you mean?" This time it's Charlie that interrupts me. "Do you mean all the work you've put into starving yourself?" I think she's about to make a smart-ass comment. "Cause I feel that. The scars don't feel like enough. I feel like I can carve at my skin forever but it'll never be enough for how much hatred I feel for myself." She looks at Brendon. "Shut it with the complaints, you interrupted her first. And I tried your little, rubber band and ripping paper and everything you've suggested, surprise, it didn't work. Actually, I did go back to hurting myself it just made me feel even worse than before. It made me feel like a bigger piece of shit." She looks back at me, her blue eyes like fire. "But you aren't a piece of shit Juliet." She shrugs. "You look healthier now than you did. I know it isn't for the reasons you wanted but you do." She cracks her neck as if annoyed, then sinks back into her seat.