Once in a lifetime.

33

August

I stared at my phone, it feels like it's been too long since Dalton had texted me more than good morning and goodnight. I miss him, and as I hold my phone close to my chest I begin to cry. Tori's words really made me think. What would happen if I got pregnant? I must be overthinking this too much because my stomach has started to turn the knots into vomit.

I run to the bathroom and as soon as I lean over the toilet I begin to get out what I've recently eaten. I don't even have time to pull my hair back and prepare myself for the gut-wrenching gags. It's too early in the morning and my parents are still asleep and I know if I sob because of the gags it'll wake them up, but I can't help it. My stomach is twisting and I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and in between sobs I continue to get sick.

Finally, when I'm done I look at my phone and it's only 6:15 then I feel as if I've spent hours in the bathroom. I try and call dalton but he doesn't answer and I don't know why that surprises me or what I expected but it doesn't matter now. I stand up, grabbing the sink and the toilet for support and I climb into the shower to wash last night's dinner out of my hair. I feel like crap, totally and completely weak and I decide then that I'm not going to ballet today. I've never missed ballet before, my mom has always forced me but today there is no way she can make me.

Laying in bed I stare at the white ceiling. When I was younger I always wanted to do something with these walls. When I was 9 I wanted to paint them like the night sky so that every night I could look up and fall asleep under the stars, but my parents never went for it. They said 'rage' painting, whatever that means, the ceiling would be a lot of work and that I would soon turn 10 and want to put posters all over my walls so there was no point in painting it.

For the record, when I turned ten I didn't put posters up, that didn't come until I was about thirteen. All the while I always wanted the stars above me. I changed pictures on my wall like it was a hobby, and I know the point of the blank white walls was to allow me to be myself and grow and not be limited by anything, but what they didn't know is that I felt just as limited.

Everything on my wall had to be paper, easy to remove, disposable. A lot of the time I feel like that's why my brother would leave for months and not get back home until late at night, he felt like he didn't belong. We could never truly make our rooms our own and we both hated it. I continue to think about the stars and how I've always wanted nothing more than to fall asleep under them, and with those thoughts, I drift to sleep.

I can't believe I spent all night clutching my phone. I didn't even call or text him last night, just held the phone to my chest. I'm sure the radiation is circling through my body, and there isn't even any point because he's in a completely different time zone.

Microsoft Word Doc
-What if I'm not a feather?-

A part of me wonders if I've been played. I wonder if he just doesn't want me. If I gave him whatever it was he wanted from me and now has decided to leave. Something in me won't take that for an answer though. It would be easy to think of Dalton as a horrible person, but I can't. I can't help but think that something is wrong.

Why would he try and pursue me if it meant nothing to him if I meant nothing to him? Why would he buy the plane tickets and use his own money to come to see me? Even pay for me to see him? That doesn't make sense if it was all for nothing right? So I had to have meant something to him, and if I meant something to him then why do I seem to mean nothing to him now?

Does he lie all the time or just when he's telling me about my weight.

Maybe that's it.

I scared him away because I'm too much.

Maybe I was too broken for him to handle.

Maybe I'm too broken for anyone to handle.