Once in a lifetime.

19

July

I stand in the wings bouncing back and forth on both feet. I'm going over the variation in my head like I have been all night.
"Hey" Ethan comes up behind me
"Hi." It comes out bland.
"Juliet you are going to do great. I've watched you rehearse, you'll have this in the bag." I know he is trying to calm my nerves but it's not really working.
"Thanks, I'm just." My head is full of so much right now I can't get out what I mean. After a second I give up trying to think how to explain and just say, "This means a lot to my mom and...."
"What?" Amber questions walking up to join us
I try my best to say this next part like it's no big deal "Well, I have a friend coming."
"Oh?" Amber looks from Ethan back to me "A friend?"
"Yes, a friend."
"Mph." the side of her mouth inches up.
"Can I meet him?" Ethan inquires
"What?" I stop bouncing "Why?"
"He's a friend, right? We're your friends. We should know all your friends, we know Tori."
"Yeah, but. Wait. Him? I didn't tell you it was a boy." They look at each other. "Ethan, I didn't tell you that it was a boy."
Amber rolls her eyes, "Come on Jules."
"What?"
Ethan gives me a forced smile, "I assumed it was the boy that was here last night."
"Who is clearly your boy friend." Amber said cockily.
"Why do you say that?" I asked annoyed.
She shipped her thumb at Ethan, "he told me how upset you were at rehearsal."
I shoot a angry glance at Ethan and he throws his hands up in defense. "She made me tell her ."
"Oh, so we are taking orders now from the misses?" I cross my arms, "Are we whipped?"
He rolls his eyes. "First of all, who spat in your corn flakes?"
"Second we aren't together." Amber buts in.
"But if we were, yes, I would listen to the misses. Happy wife happy life, right?" Amber goes redder than her hair. Ethan just smiles at her and then moves on, "Stop changing the subject. Who is he?"
"Amber you are one in five, I suggest you get ready," Madam says, Amber nods.
"When I come back." She points at Ethan, proving my question from earlier. "You better have all the juicy details."
When she is far enough away I ask, "Why don't you just ask her out?"
"Stop changing the subject." He responds, changing the subject.
I try sounding innocent, "I just want to know."
"Then we will talk about this after I get those juicy details."
I roll my eyes "His name is Dalton."
"Ohhhhh?"
"He's the boy that was my ride yesterday."
"I know that.
I cross my arms over my chest. "Do you now?"
"Wait. Dang, it. Amber is going to be so mad she wasn't there. So are you too dating, because he's clearly not just a 'ride'." He puts air quotes.
I shrug. "He performed at my graduation party too."
"So, he's in a band."
"Yes."
"What band?"
"'Fly away sunshine'."
"Never heard of them, and now he's here?"
"Yes."
"And...wait. How did this even happen?"
I hear the music change and as the lights come up I see Amber run onto the stage "I have to go stretch." I turn to go but he blocks me.
"Oh no you don't."
"Actually, yes I do."
"Then talk while you stretch because if I don't figure this all out Amber is actually going to kill me."
I sigh cause he's being dramatic, I think he wants the information so he can impress her. "You two aren't even a thing yet and you're already so whipped," I mumble.
"I'm serious."
"You're dramatic."
"Please?" He folds his hands giving me a puppy dog face.
I put my left leg onto the Barr and stretch towards it. "No."
"Oh my Gosh. This is how I die."
I can't even see him but I know he's probably got his hand over his eyes. "Whatever."
"This is literally how I die." I switch sides of the Barr and put my right foot up doing the same "I would have liked to live longer. I mean I had hopes, dreams. Oh no. Amber will never know how I feel about her. Oh, God. You know you can save my life. Right here, right now. You can save my life."
I look onstage and Amber is sus-susing backward and I know we only have a few seconds left before she will be done. She won't actually kill him, but I know that she will probably be so happy with him that she'll hug him. So, for him I do it. I slam my leg down.
"Fine, I went to their concert, gave him a note, he reached out to me to play at my graduation party. I may have kissed him on the cheek and he asked for my number. We may or may not be flirting with each other and we may or may not like each other. He may or may not have asked me to be his girlfriend. But if I am his girlfriend that's something I don't want getting out."
"Do you like him? "
I look at him like he's crazy. "Yes."
"Does he like you?
I let out a long breath "I don't know Ethan. I think so, but that goes back to the 'may or may not be' thing I said just a second ago."
"He asked for your number, though right?"
My eyes narrow, "Yes."
"He asked you to be his girlfriend?"
"Okay, what is your point?"
"Let me finish, he's here tonight yeah?"
"I never said he was."
"Context clues, okay, so I think you can let your hopes get a little high. I mean be safe, but it sounds like it's okay to feel hopeful."
"Ethan."
"What?"
"You need to tell Amber you like her." I know that I am changing the subject again but I'm doing this for him, I told him everything for him, not for me. Actually especially not for me because I didn't want to tell him in the first place. Ethan and I both know that Amber could get it out of me, Ethan just wants to give it to her.
"What? How did you turn this back around on me?"
"This is driving me crazy. I'm tired of walking next to you two and feeling like a third wheel when there isn't even two wheels. Tell her."
"But what if she doesn't....."
"Don't." the music stops and Amber runs to the wing. "Tell her or I will." I pat him on the chest.
I start walking away when he says, "Then you kiss Dalton." Now I have stopped dead in my tracks.
"What?!" I whip my head around. But Ethan is already walking away to go talk to Amber.

I head to stage right and do my best to take deep breaths. I glance out into the crowd but I already knew it was hopeless. With all the lights you can't see anyone in the seats. Ivy is almost done with her variation and then it will be me. Oh gosh. I've never been this nervous to dance before. It always came as second nature so I never thought about it. And no one has ever been here to watch you who you wanted to impress I think. That's not true, I want to impress my mother. That's not the same, the voice in my head says back to me. Which is true, I really liked Dalton. I just worried he didn't feel the same way about me. I mean he travels, he meets loads of new people. New girls, maybe I'm not the first one this has happened with. I do my best to take all my thoughts of Dalton and let them out with a long exhale. No matter what he and I are I need to focus. I need to do this and do this right. This is my first big step in the company, and even though I'm a senior and ill continue on I'm still young. Amber and I are the youngest girls to be chosen as fairies, and that is very promising. It means madame sees protentional in us and we can't mess it up. I heard the music end and the applause begin. I took one final breath and plastered a smile onto my face. I took my six steps out after the applause stopped. I prepared, and as I switched my weight I allowed my version of the Lilac Fairy to take flight.

The music started and I danced slowly to center stage. Bringing my foot up just as the music called for it. Back attitude, bringing my foot around just to bring the other up again. This is why I danced because there was something about hitting the stage, with the lights on you. When you know there are people there but you can't see a single one. I felt completely exposed yet also completely alone all at once. And when you hit that perfect single turn, whether it's hard or not you know you're making your instructor proud. I've heard some of the older girls say they can feel the moment madame smiles during your solo. I know what they mean now. Madame can be brutal, but she gives credit where credit is due. She cares for us and wants the best for us no matter what that means. She will tell you that your performance sucked if it sucked, and I have never had a profotmance where she was wrong. I moved across the floor on my toes, letting my arms glide down, so I can bring the opposite foot up. Few jumps and a few spins and my solo would be over. I would come back out seconds later with the other faries, but still. Just as fast as it started it ended. Sometimes, that's what made ballet feel pointless. You work on a dance for months, just to perform it for seconds. Then it's over. You're done and you put that dance into your resume and within a month there is another show to audition for. You are always working your body to the point of breaking just to build yourselves back up again. I wonder what I would do if I didn't dance full time. Maybe I should start a blog. I do my double pirouette and land in my ending pose. The crowd applauses and I hear someone shout. That is not ballet etiquette and I bet my mother is scowling at whoever it is. I exit stage left, rip a water bottle off the cart, and pour half of it down my throat. I swallow just as the other faries go back onto the stage. I take as many deep breaths as I can to try and steady my breathing and then I run back on stage completing the perfect "U" shape, with me in the center, eyes forced to look at me. Unless you are purposefully watching another fairy, that's the point. I'm the head, I'm the head fairy and this is the moment you see that without words. Every person on stage stands still except me. I'm finally done and I stand there to try and breathe for a few seconds before I have to start dancing again.

"Dalton!" Amber hisses through her smile as she comes up behind me, she crosses in front of me and then comes around to the back again. "Is he the blond one?" We start doing our little jumps into our final positions. "He wears black all the time." And as the music stops, and I'm holding my arabesque the crowd applauses I breathe "Yes." With the only breath left in my lungs, and bow with the rest of the girls. If madame heard that, she'll kill us.