Once in a lifetime.

⚠️31

August

All that mattered at that moment was him. Dalton. Nothing else existed outside of him and me and this room. I put my hand on his neck using it to pull him closer to me, and when he followed my request, a low groan left his lips. I was caving into my desires as he overwhelmed my senses. I wanted him, all of him at that moment, now more than ever, I felt like I needed him.
"Jules? Are you sure?"
But I didn't answer, I grabbed his shirt pulling him back down to meet my lips again. He didn't hesitate, he followed my request without a second thought. I felt almost dizzy from the feel of his lips, his weight on top of me left me feeling safe and protected from anything outside of our room. Dalton was everywhere, to my left, to my right, in my mouth, and my nose. I felt like he was taking over my body and I gladly gave it over to him. My heart was hammering in my chest as he took his time with me. Our body's molded together seeming to fit perfectly together, and I gave myself over to him that night. I want to voice my insecurities so he can make me feel better, but I don't want to call attention, to every lump and bump and unwanted hair. What if he agrees, or even worse, what is he didn't notice and I'm the one who brings the attention to it. Then he'll really think I'm not as beautiful as he thought.

I wake up on a pillow, and I'm getting ready to start freaking out because I think that Dalton left me, when I hear the water in the bathroom running. I've always come close, but I've never really seen dalton fully naked in the light. There is only so much you can see in the dark, feel in the dark. I feel my face warm up as I smile to myself, thinking that last night our relationship deepened.
I climb out of bed with only my underwear and my bra on and walk into the bathroom. Dalton is humming when I enter and just for a brief moment I listen to it thinking how lucky I am to be able to listen to him when no one else can. I strip naked and climb into the shower my heart pounding.
When I climb in dalton is under the water and I hug him from behind, my cheek resting against his shoulder blade. He doesn't say anything for a while but he does emerge from the water and keep humming now only standing, not moving. His fingers brush over my arm sending tingles up my arm to my chest. I wish I could stay like this forever, just with Dalton, in this shower.
Dalton breaks the silence. "Did you sleep alright?"
"The best I have in months. You're a nice pillow."
He laughs and my body moves with his laughter. "I'm glad that I could be of service." Dalton slowly turns around and moves my hair away from my face, I look up so that I can look into those amazing beautiful blue eyes and he kisses me. The kisses we've been sharing in the past few hours are unlike any kiss we've shared before, it's not a goodbye kiss, or a hello kiss, not even a first kiss. There is more depth, more desperation in these kisses. A deeper meaning hides behind them and I squeeze his neck as if begging his tongue to transfer that message to me. Dalton begins backing me up against the bathroom wall and I wrap my arms around his neck and toss my head back. I hit my head against the bathroom wall and bring it forward colliding with his shoulder blade. "Ouch," I say partly laughing and partly wondering if I just gave myself a concision and possibly whiplash.
"Are you okay?" Dalton laughs holding my head and I nod as he starts kissing my neck again, slowly at first and then quicker.
I feel as if sparks are traveling through my body, I'm getting both excited and nervous all at once. I lace my fingers through Dalton's hair and slowly let the pieces run through my fingers.
"You smell amazing," I say
"You look amazing" he responds, and with that, we kiss again. "And you taste just as good." I smile against his lips.

Dalton turns off the water and I'm waiting on the toilet in a little hotel towel. He laughed as soon as he sees me. "Come here." But I don't move. I sit there on the toilet looking at Dalton's body. His stomach isn't sculpted as I imagined, but instead, he's slender and still boyish. He grabs a towel and covers his body, blocking my view. It's then that my eyes meet his. I notice that his hair looks darker when wet and it only makes his eyes brighter.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Trying to memorize you for when you leave again."
Dalton's face drops, any playfulness now gone, and he becomes quiet. I suddenly wish I had said something else.
"Juliet I...." I don't want to talk about hi, leaving so I decided to change the subject.
Since I haven't eaten in over twenty-four hours I feel a tiny bit more comfortable than I normally would, so I cut him off by standing up and dropping my towel. He looks at me up then down and it's like he's in chiseling me into his memory for later, just like I was doing to him. Although I'm self-conscious of the extra skin and how much of the towel I took up, daltons eyes on me make me realize that maybe I'm not too big, or too little. I walk slowly over to him and touch his face. He has a little stubble and he closes his eyes and leans into my touch.
"I want you to know that I die a little every time I leave you."
Tears fill my eyes instantly and I pull his face towards mine whispering, "Then don't." I fill the space between us and within seconds he's lifted me, actually lifted me with ease. He didn't have to adjust himself or think about doing it, he didn't have to tell me to jump or make me get a running start. None of it is like it is in ballet, and I'm thankful.
My legs are wrapped around his stomach and he's carrying me to the bed and I feel like a feather, nothing more than a feather. He drops me onto the bed and falls onto me. He lands on my hair and it pulls. "Ahh" I complain.
A "Sorry!" Comes seconds later. Then a "That was way more romantic in my head." We giggle and then slowly grow quiet realizing that we're both naked in full daylight. After a while he says, "I feel so skinny." Then he crawls under the covers and I join him.
"No, you're not. I like it." I cover my face. "That sounded stupid." He shakes his head. "I feel so fat." I offer this thought up because he's hated something to me and I wanted to make him feel less alone.
He looks at me like I'm crazy, "No way! If anything your too skinny." I feel my face fall. "No no, I just mean...." he licks his lips. "I'm sorry I didn't mean...." he slams his palm into his forehead. "I just meant that," he reaches out for me and I pull away. "I'm sorry. I just meant that you're so tiny I worry that I could break you." I gave him this thought in hopes he wouldn't use it to hurt me.
"Break me?" It comes out in a whisper and it makes me realize how dry my throat is.
This time when he reaches for me I don't pull away, I let him touch me. "You are gorgeous, amazing, and I don't want you to think that I don't think those things. But Jules, I feel like if I grabbed you too hard I would break your arm." He wraps his fingers around my wrist and I realize how doll and childlike it looks compared to his. "I know this is a sore subject, but have you been eating."
I open my mouth but nothing comes out. Finally, "Swan Lake."
"What?" Suddenly I'm all too aware of where I am and what's going on. I'm aware of how heavy my body feels on top of the bed and the emptiness in my stomach.
"Swan Lake, it was good right?"
He smiles, confusion was written all over his face but he answers, "Yes, you were incredible."
I try and force a smile, "I've been training."
"Right,"
"And I was good."
He blinks. "I'm confused, what does that have to do with you eating?" I cover my face with the blanket suddenly losing all confidence and strength, I can't tell him. He'd think differently of me. "Jules?" I feel the blanket lift and I expect it to come off but instead, I feel lips touch my cheek. When I open my eyes he's under the blanket with me. "You haven't been eating, because you've been training." I'm so thankful he understood without me having to explain it to him. I'm mortified by my choices, but I'm also almost satisfied with how my body looks. But most importantly, how my performance was.
"I was too heavy." That's the thing about eating disorders, you're never satisfied with how you look, there is always something more you can do, someway you can make yourself thinner. "I needed to be like a feather for the show." But the eating disorder is also something you're not proud of, it's not something you feel like you can put on display for others to see. Your skinniness, sure, but not the fact that you didn't eat that day, or even the fact that you did. No matter what all your eating disorder wants you to do is hide.
"Nonsense, I just lifted you and carried you here." He touches my face. "Don't let it win." And I know what he's talking about, so I start to cry.

When Dalton dropped me off at home I cried for hours, shocker, right? I missed him the moment that he walked away from me and even though I tried to keep it together I failed majorly. I must have looked pathetic standing there alone crying like a wimp as my boyfriend looks fine. Yeah, I defiantly looked crazy. He is going on tour and I'm staying here, where I always stayed. It's exhausting being in a relationship with someone so close but so far away. I can't believe he's already gone, again. He was only here for a day and it doesn't even feel like a day because it just flew right by. I so badly want to call him and beg him to come home to me, to just come back and stay with me. Yet I can't, or more like refuse to. Mostly because he told me he'd call me and I don't want to come across as clingy or desperate. I fall onto my bed as if I'm some dramatic teen in an angsty movie. I roll over and unlock my phone. I scroll through my photos and I stop on one of the pictures at the concert. That day I had no idea how much my life would change, no idea how fast and hard I'd fall for Dalton freaking Beckett. I had no idea how much he would mean to me not only the boy the world knew, but the one they didn't, and when we are apart I'm afraid that I'll wake up and find out that it was all a dream. I don't know what I'd do if that happened, woke up and found out it was a dream, that would be more than heartbreaking. I would be devastated.

"How much have you been eating?" My father's question echoes through the dining room like I imagine it would in a cathedral.
My mom looks at him like he's just run over her puppy. "That's unnecessary."
"I don't think it is Carrie. Have you noticed her at dinner? She barely touches her food and what she does eat isn't enough to sustain her for the lifestyle you want her to have."
I huff, "The girl is right here." I push around the oven-made chicken parm just proving my dad's point.
"Stop making a fuss."
"One of us has to make a 'fuss' about our daughter."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying I'm worried about her, and I'm nervous about her future."
"Juliet will get into a reward-winning ballet academy and will have an amazingly long career as a principal ballerina."
"Says you, those are your plans for her did you ever ask her what she wanted to do?"
"She wants to do ballet."
My father looks at me, "Jules, what would you like to do, if you could do anything. No repercussions, no limits, what would it be?"
I move my eyes from my dad to my plate, then to my lap, I've never thought about what I'd do if I had a choice. Probably because I never have had a choice. I think for a second, I think I'd like to write, but I just started it and I don't know if I like it enough to go to school for it. 'You can't choose your future on what you think you like' my mom's words echo in my head. "See, she doesn't even know what she wants, and that's okay. She deserves the time to think it out."
"She doesn't need to figure it out, she's doing ballet and that's final." I stare at my chicken parm and push around the pieces I've cut up. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack when I came down for dinner and saw the box on the table. It wasn't until my mother told me to sit down that I did and took a chunk of the soggy meat. I haven't taken a bite, and this time it isn't because of my food fear but because my parents are fighting. Sometimes I wish my brother still came home for dinner and didn't basically live at El's, he would have stopped the conversation a long time ago. He always knew how to shut them both up.
"Can I be excused? I'd like to go to my room."
"And do what?" My dad asks.
I decide to appease my mom because she'll let me go, she's the easiest to make happy right now. "So I can go stretch and do some barr work."
My mom smiles, "Of course Juliet."
I get up and dart for the stairs before I have a chance to get swept back into an argument.