Addiction (Jim x Tilly - The Basketball Diaries fic)

Chapter 11. Where's all the oxygen gone?

TW/ this chapter describes a panic attack in detail! please feel free to skip if you don't feel comfortable reading x

Tilly
An explosion of sweat ran through me and I shot up, gasping for air. All the trees in the world had been cut down and all the oxygen had been taken away from us. It certainly felt like that. "Shit! Shit! FUCK" I gasped, my eyes were a waterfall of endless tears unable to stop. It started at my hands, slowly at first but getting faster and faster as I struggled for air longer; I couldn't stop shaking. The whole world was collapsing in on me and nobody was here - I felt so alone. I heaved heavy breaths, short bursts of cries between. I was utterly convinced I was about to die. 'This is it' I told myself, crying harder. I couldn't die yet! I had only just told my best friend I loved him, found out he felt the same way, we danced in the rain and kissed! I didn't understand what was happening. The world was shrinking and my confused brain could not move. I grabbed my shaking legs and raised them towards my chest, placing my head in between them in hopes that everything would stop spinning and I wouldn't die.

I had been cowering in a ball for what felt like years when I felt a sudden hand grab my arm. "Tilly! Tilly, can you hear me?" a muffled yet familiar voice came from beside me. I opened my red-rimmed, bloodshot eyes to see Jim standing over me. A worried look had settled over his face: his eyebrows knitted together and this eyes. Oh his eyes. They were terrified. I felt awful. So so awful. I had petrified him and this was never my intention.
"Jim?" I struggled, but was met with a warm smile that fondly enraptured me in a safe world. He gently placed my hand in his and took a seat next to me. Gently, he placed a hand on my back and rubbed it as I rested my shaking head on his shoulder. I felt his hair flop on top of mine as his head balanced on my head. The hand on my back began to rub in circles and I started to feel as if the trees were being planted again, giving me the oxygen I needed.

10 minutes has past and the hand was still rubbing my back and the head was still on mine, but I was no longer shaking or gasping for air. The last few droplets of tears ran from my eyes and I rubbed them. "God Tilly, you scared me" a relieved Jim said beside me. I turned my head to his and placed my head in his lap. "Jim..." I breathed out. I was totally knocked out from whatever just happened. A hand placed itself on my hair and began stroking it and I instantly felt safe and knew I wouldn't be judged here. Jim was still patiently waiting for me to finish. That's what I loved about him - no matter what he was doing, he would always be patient with me. "I don't understand what just happened". I quivered a bit. It was truly frightening and I couldn't even explain why what just happened happened.
Jim sighed and I could tell he knew the exact answer. I pushed my head off of his lap and stared him in the eyes. "Tell. Me" I asked politely but was aching for an answer". "Alright" he cradled my head get again and began explaining.

Jim told me about how he got these anxiety attacks which later turned out to be panic attacks after he started using. He told me he knew just from my cries that I was going through what he previously had gone through and that he couldn't let me suffer alone. He paused for air before starting a new sentence, although I could tell he was hesitant to say it, but he went through with it anyway.

"Tilly, the only way I stopped these panic attacks were to keep on using again and again until my body built up the tolerance to not panic after use" he recollected himself before continuing further. I listened carefully as he talked more. "You know I care about you more than I care about myself and it makes me terrified that I have to even suggest this... but I think you should do the same thing I did. I am in no way encouraging you to become a daily user, but I think if you're responsible with it and always, ALWAYS do it with me and the boys" then these will stop". Jim looked hurt to his core at the fact he had just mentioned. I silently nodded and took in the pieces of information that had come out of his mouth. I was joyful that I was able to do this again, but little did I know that I was getting myself into a lot deeper shit than I had imagined.

A/N: I am aware that the last paragraph is not scientifically correct at all! I had to make it match up to the story plot so that it gets back on the lines of what it was originally going to be about. I am in NO way suggesting that if you do have anxiety/panic attacks that you use weed to help. Please get the legal help available to you! Take care of yourselves <3
xx