Addiction (Jim x Tilly - The Basketball Diaries fic)

Chapter 17. Last glance

Jim

I woke up to the hurtful sound of silence, in the knowledge that I was all alone in the bed. No Tilly. Still half asleep and slightly confused, I thought back to the events of last night.

"Oh Goddd" I groaned as I stretched both my arms and legs. Man I'd really fucked up by calling her Matilda. But oh well, it's not like I can do anything now that we're done.

I gave my bed-hair a slight ruffle before calling out to Mom.

"Mommm!" I cried out wearily. Nothing but another bout of silence. I rolled my eyes. She's either gone to work early or ignoring me. Although it could be both. I grabbed the bottom of my chipped window and gave it a heave upwards, opening it to let in the polluted air of another day float into my room. I pulled back the covers of my bed, reaching out to the railings outside of the window as I clambered out onto the hardened balcony. The steel hurt my bare feet so I sat my ass down on the ledge. I could really do with a smoke right now.

Leaning back inside, I snatched ahold of the pack of cigs, removing one with my teeth, aimlessly chucking the packet back inside before cupping my hand around it to light up. I exhaled a darkened puff of smoke, watching the large world of New York City citizens make their way to wherever they were going. Continuing to inhale and exhale smolders, I heard a rattling on the railings above of mine. Black pieces of dried paint landed on my head. These railings really did need touching up.

"Hey!" I shouted out angrily. All I wanted was a morning smoke without being interrupted. Craning my head over the side of the balcony, upwards, I watched the person lean down to catch my eye.

Tilly. Shittt.

The sight of her heavenly brown hair tumbling around in the wind sent ripples through me. Her ruffled cropped mini shirt and cotton shorts (she wore as pajamas) fit onto her body perfectly, making me wish I was there with her again. Those ocean blue eyes I always got lost in, stared down at me, cold as anything. I realised I had been watching her for too long - although she was doing the same. I removed my eyes from the majestic girl two balconies up from mine, as she copied me.

Slowly I nodded my head once, looking back down to the real world. I flicked the almost finished, still lit cigarette out onto the grimy streets.

"Hey, that's a waste. I would have had that" her voice came in reply to my action. Blowing a last puff up towards her, I gritted my teeth, slanting my eyes and shaking my head harshly before ducking back into my room and closing the window with a bang.

I stepped off of my bed grumpily, picking up a few clothes off the floor and chucking them into a pile on my bed. I'll deal with them later. Walking over to my drawers, I picked out a crumpled dark green t-shirt and navy denim jeans, placing a brown zip-up hoodie over the top and some socks. It felt weird to be doing all of this by myself, no Tilly there to help me pick out what to wear for the day. I grabbed the handle of my door and made my way to the kitchen, stopping in the middle to do a quick 360 of the room. It all seemed so empty. Apparently I'd got used to always having someone there with me.

Opening a creaky cupboard, I took some Lucky Charms off the shelf and poured them into a bowl, sprinkling milk on top. Scraping a chair out from under the table, I placed my breakfast on the surface and began shoving the cereal into my mouth, keeping my eyes downwards to avoid the quietness of the apartment. The last eleven years I had spent having Mom, or more recently, Tilly, by my side, chattering away whilst we ate. I thought back to all the times Tilly and I had chucked food at each other, like little kids. I always enjoyed that. I liked re-living the childhood moments again, even if it was only for a second. Sometimes, she would pop a quick kiss on my cheek through mouthfuls.

I glanced to my left, a slight smile on my face, expecting Tilly to be there. Nothing but her ghost now sat there. A memory. The smile faded from my face. I had been in my head. How silly of me.

Returning to my cereal, I continued eating as tears pricked at my eyes, like needles poking me right in the heart.

Tilly

Every night for a week, I had the same re-occurring dream.

Jim and I were sitting in a field, surrounded by endless amounts of daisies. He had taken me here on a date to escape the hustle and bustle of busy NYC. I had packed a small hamper of food for us to share and brought along a red striped blanket, laid flat in the tall grass. Jim has been on alcohol duty. We sat there for hours on end just chatting, including the occasional kiss, our hands brushing over each others so sensually. I watched the way Jim's soft lips moved as he talked. Gosh this boy was going to be the death of me. The birds in the distance tweeting away, the rustle of wind through the brown and green leaves on various shaped trees, daisies blowing around in our direction - Jim reaching out to pick one, turning back to me, brushing the hair out of my eyes whilst adoringly watching me and gently placing the daisy behind my ear, before giving my cheek a smooth rub and flicking my nose ever slightly. I giggled. I felt so alive in that moment, so carefree and so obviously in love. Everything in the world was right.

And every time I woke up in that week, my eyes glimmered with hope, yet to be shattered again by the overwhelming truth that what I had dreamt was only something from my imagination.

A few more nights of that dream, waking up feeling so hopeless, and I couldn't take it anymore. I had been waking up, slumbering into school, moping through my day and coming back home to crash into my bed again. Like that night when he left for good, my bed was always a flood of ocean tears, and I still felt like I was drowning in it. I knew that the only other person I felt like I could talk to was Mickey. I hadn't talked to that boy in forever. I think the last time was before Jim's overdose. God, that seems like an age ago.

After a refreshing shower, that included many more sobs, I placed my uniform on, attempting to do my tie. After failing several times, I chucked it on my bed with a growl. Everything made me angry now. I could forget about the sodding tie. You know what, I could do with forgetting about school right now. I had planned to spend the day in school and then make my way to Mickey's afterwards, but that plan had changed. I just wanted to be with someone right now. I knew who that someone was, but I couldn't have him, so Mickey would just have to do. Maybe I could even see Paedro. Not Neutron though, I don't think any of us know where he's disappeared off to.

Taking my uniform off, I quickly changed into a blue top and matching denim dungarees to spice up the look a bit. I deserved to look better than I felt. Throwing on my black converse, I slid the window open and stepped out. I swung my legs over the balcony and climbed down the ladder, taking a short glance into Jim's room as I made my way down. His curtains were still closed. Reaching the bottom, I did the small jump from the ladder onto the pavement. Momentary sadness overcame me as my brain thought back to the times when we used this ladder as an escape route, the sound of hushed laughter echoing around us. Everywhere in this damn city held memories.

Turning left, I began my walk through the crowded streets to Mickey's, taking one last look up at Jim's window. To my surprise, his eyes looked towards my direction. Quickly, I adverted my eyes, clearing my throat and looking forward. I had no time for him now. At least that's what I told myself.

A/N

I wrote this chapter whilst listening to 'What was I made for' By Billie Eilish. It made it 10x sadder to write :(