Addiction (Jim x Tilly - The Basketball Diaries fic)

Chapted 34. AA meeting

Jim
The next few weeks were rough. Without the constant bumps of coke, I was really starting to feel the withdrawal symptoms. I was more depressed than ever. Without drugs and especially without Tilly. I still visited her every day. I told her about when I'd read her journal and my thoughts about what I should do. As always, silence answered. But I like to think that she was there with me, talking back. I cried less each day. My soul becoming more of a void as time passed. All my emotions were gone. Knocked clean out of me like a punch to the gut.

"Jim you gonna get up?" Mom shouted from outside of the door. I groaned, throwing my hands around my head, shutting out the light.
"Jim it's midday. You have your first AA meeting in an hour!" her voice came again.
Shit. The AA meeting. I totally forgot. I rolled my eyes and stumbled out of bed towards the door, opening it.
"Be out in a sec" I mumbled through tiredness. Mom nodded her head in satisfaction and left me alone to shower and get dressed.
Just as I was picking up a t-shirt to wear for the day, I noticed a strawberry pink lighter on the floor by the window. Her strawberry pink lighter. My eyes welled up a little, though no tears came. I grabbed ahold of the lighter, shoving it deep into my pocket and clearing my throat as I turned to continue getting dressed.

My mind cried as I sat in the passenger seat of the car whilst Mom drove me to the meeting. This was gonna be a hard day. I'd go and see Tilly later though. It's still weird knowing I'm not actually seeing her when I say that. God when will this horrendous heavy feeling be lifted off from me?

When we reached the building it was held in - a formal but also slightly run down block that looked like apartments for the rich - Mom wrapped her arms around my shoulders, pulling me in for a tight hug. She squeezed all the oxygen out of me. I let my limp arms hug her back, leaning my head to the side on her shoulder and staring off blankly into the distance.
"You'll be okay baby" she whispered quietly. Grabbing my shoulders, she hauled me away from her and looked me deep in the eyes.
"She'd be proud of you. She loved you. And I love you". I could feel tears pressing against my eyeballs as my face grew heavy with longing for someone I can no longer have. Mom planted a quick peck on my cheek before turning away.

I pressed on forwards to the building and made my way through two large set of doors that then led to a hall. In the middle of it was a round circle of chairs, some occupied by people already. I looked around, taking in the vast ceilings and various posters dotted around that read something about getting clean. I watched as figures mingled around the room, welcoming each other. My shoulders grew hunched. This felt like it was a mistake coming here, but it's all for Tilly, so it's worth it.

I stepped towards the chairs, pulling one out and taking a seat. Nobody came to greet me though, so I just sat and held eye contact with the floor until a bearded man across from me coughed loudly. I glanced back up to notice all the chairs had been filled in the circle.

"Welcome to another meeting!" his loud voice boomed. I covered my ears and winced slightly. I was still half in withdrawals and his tone rang through my head splitting it open - although not as badly as I had been. The first week was an absolute shit show.
"We have some new members today, so let's give them a warm welcome" He eyed me and a few others around the circle. They all looked in as bad shape as I did.

"Let's start with you young man" he pointed at me, eyes open kindly, a warmness radiated off of him. He kind of reminded me of a teddy bear. The stiffness that I had been holding in my body dropped slightly.
"Uh what do I say?" I asked quietly, eyes darting around the circle nervously.
"Just your name, age and why you're here. Only if you want to of course. In these meetings, you only say something if you want to. It's totally okay if you would much rather prefer to stay quiet and listen to everyone else-" I cut him off before his voice physically hacked my head off.
"Um okay hi I'm Jim Carroll" I met eyes with people in the circle as I spoke. A few people murmured 'hello's back here and there. 
"I'm 17 and I'm here because my girlfriend overdosed just a little over a month ago and I want to get clean in honour of her" I shied away slightly at the last bit. A pain still ripped through my chest whenever I talked about her.
I turned back to the bearded teddy bear and looked at him expectantly.
"Thank you Jim. We all hope we can help you here on your journey to recovery. And we're very sorry to hear of the loss of your girlfriend". I nodded, not even sure if I could speak without crying. He was so kind. Everyone felt so kind. I felt safe here. I felt like I could say what I wanted about the drugs and not get judged because everyone here got it. They understood. I hung my head and silently let a few tears roll down my cheek as the other new members introduced themselves.

The rest of the AA meeting went by quickly. Each person in the circle had some time to speak about whatever was on their mind at the time before moving onto the next person. I met a few people there with the same addiction issues as me. I met people who had lost others like me. I met people just like me. I spoke about Tilly briefly and how quickly the drugs took ahold of her life, snatching her away from me. I also talked about reading her journal and the full reason behind my giving up drugs.

Once the session was over, I made my way out of the building and to the parking lot where Mom was waiting in the car for me. My shoulders felt lighter after releasing all of that. I guess Mom was right about it.
"You look bouncier" she commented when I climbed in.
"Yeah" I smiled slightly.  "It was good". My bottomless soul felt like it had been filled up just a tinsy bit.
She patted my knee and her eyes lit up with relief.
"I'm glad Jim. I'm so glad" she smiled before turning back to the wheel and pulling away.

That evening, I visited Tilly and told her what I'd achieved today. Even though I couldn't see or hear her, I could tell she was happy for me.
"I originally thought I was doing this for you" I spoke softly to her grave, which was still occupied by flowers.
"But I think I'm doing it for me also. You and me. That's who I'm doing it for" I finished, pressing my palm against her headstone, the small picture of her dancing still glimmering at me, striking an incredible amount of love to rise in my heart.
"I love you" I whispered tenderly, slight sobs hinting in my voice, to her picture.
"I love you so goddamn much Tilly"