Addiction (Jim x Tilly - The Basketball Diaries fic)

Chapter 14. Recovery

Tilly

Back at home, all I wanted to do was sleep. Sleep to escape this never ending nightmare that was my current life. Perhaps if I pinched myself hard enough, I could wake up. My beautiful boy was in the hospital, leaving me all alone to the ever consuming guilt that this had somehow been all of my fault. But it wasn't, was it. He had chosen to shoot heroin. I mean heroin for God's sake. That's not just something you can piss around with. He was choosing to gamble with his life, and and that's all on him.

I felt something resembling anger bubble up inside of me. How could he have been so careless? I felt irritation at the boys for stupidly letting him become like this, but especially at Jim himself who knew exactly what he was doing. I don't know how I never saw this coming. What an idiot I am. What a fucking idiot.

Staring out of my window, I watched various cars pass the streets as the sound of honks echoed left, right and centre. It was never ending. I just wanted a bit of peace and quiet for once. Taking one glance up at the shining moon, I lay my head down as wetness began to seep from my eyes, soaking my pillow. I realised I was crying. Sobs began to rack my body, taking it over. All the anger, hurt, fear and sadness molded into one as I wept.

I lost count how long had passed when I felt the bed sink where my feet where. I opened one eye to see what it was. A figure sat still on my bed before reaching out to my hair.

"Tilly" the voice whispered.

"It's okay, sweetheart". The tears began pushing their selves against my eyeballs again as I slowly came to realise who the voice belonged to.

Jim.

It was Jim, he was really here. But how? How had they discharged him after how damaged he looked when I was there today? Questions ran around my head, like they were doing a marathon, as I lifted my still shaking body from the bed.

I longed to be in the warmth of his arms; to smell the aftershave he always put on; to cry as he stroked my hair, whispering gently into my head. I longed for the comfort of him.

Gradually I adjusted my eyes. Only Jim was no longer there. Taken his place was a concerned Mom, eyebrows knitted together with a tight look.

"Where's Jim?" confusion gripped me tightly.

"At the hospital sweetheart" Mom replied with sincerity as she placed her hands on top of my shaking hands.

I shook my head, lowering it slightly, before taking a breath. No that wasn't right, he was just here. I frantically looked around the room, my eyes darting to the window where he would have escaped - like the many times he had done previously. But there was no sign of him there either.

"No Mom, he was just here. I swear. I woke up and he was sitting right where you are" my voice shook.

"He said 'Tilly. It's okay, sweetheart" I replied, studying Mom's face. I could see from her solemn reaction that my apparent encounter with Jim had been nothing but a mere, sad dream.

Her arms reached out to me as she wrapped my body into hers.

"I said that love. You must have got it mixed up with what you were dreaming about". Of course that's the right explanation. It's silly how I thought he could be here with me when he was just in the hospital today. Although I noticed from outside that it was a new day now. The sun shone in brightly through my window and onto my bed.

"I know" I sighed, my heart deflating like a gone down balloon. How easily the little red thing in my chest could be popped.

Jim