Addiction (Jim x Tilly - The Basketball Diaries fic)

Chapter 27. Something's wrong

Tilly
"Grab a spoon, cotton ball and water for me real quick" I ordered Jim, feeling an intense surge of adrenaline running though me. My body felt jiggly. I was excited for this after over a year without it. I saw hesitation pass over Jim's eyes before he stepped out of the room. I rummaged under his bed for a needle, taking my lighter out of the back pocket of my jeans.
"We need a belt too. Can't risk fucking this up" Jim spoke as he returned. He made his way over to the dresser, yanking a drawer and taking out a brown belt. His eyes shone as he placed it in my hand, alongside the spoon and cotton ball and the water on the cabinet beside us. My mouth gave him a small smile, gently planting a soft kiss on his lips before he grabbed my arm, pulling me down to the floor.

We sat cross-legged. Jim reached out his slightly wobbly hand to the spoon.
"Give me the spoon. I did this more than you".
"Nope" I gave him a cheeky smile.
"Tils I'm serious. I know what I'm doing" sternness rose in his voice, making my heart jump a little. Giving in, I handed the spoon over.
"Thank you" his gruff voice hit my chest. My heart beat ferociously as I watched him cook-up the heroin. I was nervous. Exhilarated yes, but a little nervous. Jim turned his head to face me, his hair brushing against his diamond eyes. He seemed to notice the tense expression on my face. Almost like a feather, he moved his hand on top of mine, his skin pressing against mine. I could feel the warmth radiating from him.
Staring deeply into my eyes, he spoke softly.
"We don't have to do this you know".
I shook my head.
"No I know. I want to". I watched him pause for a moment before removing his hands from mine and grabbing the cobalt blue lighter, striking it and holding it under the spoon. The brown substance began melting into a puddle. It reminded me of that one Christmas when it had snowed.

Jim and I were only young kids at the time. We built a snowman, named it Jack and pretended like it had come to life. The next morning we had gone outside in hopes it would still be there. It wasn't. Instead it was melted on the floor in a sad dollop of yellowy snow. I remember sobbing and running inside to my Mom, telling her all about it. I remember how she rubbed my back and comforted me. I remember Jim's Mom coming round to mine with two ginormous cups of freshly made hot chocolate, filled to the brim with snow-like cream and marshmallows. The taste of it warmed my soul and soon Jim and I forgot all about the Jack the Snowman. Our Mom's had plonked us in front of the boxy television and inserted a VHS tape for us to watch. Both of us sat in front of the television, taking the movie in as thick snowflakes mounted on the glass outside. It was such a sweet memory that I kept locked away in my heart. We were both so small and innocent. I treasured it.

"Tilly?" Jim's questioning voice flowed back to my ears like musical notes. His face was sort of contorted in a worried expression.
"You drifted away for a moment there" he laughed slightly, voice slowly hovering.
"Oh yeah, was just thinking about that Christmas. You know. Jack the Snowman" I watched a smile creep up into his face, his eyes lighting up.
"Jack! Yes!" he laughed. I felt my heart twinkle. His smile was so so beautiful, just like him.
Taking in the moment, we smiled at each other before it was broken.
"Right then, let's get this show on the road" he cried, lifting up the spoon for inspection. A thudding hitting my rib cage from the small red thing inside of my chest, causing me to shiver.
"Me first, then I'll do you. You're not shooting up yourself" he said. I didn't argue with this, I knew he was right.

My eyes surveyed as he wrapped the belt tightly around his arm, flexing it to bring out the veins. They were like blue and green rivers flowing all the way down. I felt my stomach butterfly a little, a slight blush creeping up my neck. Jim noticed and laughed sweetly. Grabbing the needle and filling it up with the drug, he took it to a vein and held it in place, slowly pushing the needle down and heroin out. His head fell back only slightly as he let out a sigh of happiness. His mouth tugged at the corners, releasing the needle from his skin.
"Fuckkkkk" he whispered.
"Good?" I asked.
"Mhm. Now your turn Missy"
I exhaled a shaky breath. I suddenly felt weary. After all that confidence, I was now worked up. My arms shook nervously. I felt like my heart was running a marathon.

Jim took ahold of my arm, repeating what he'd done just moments before on himself, wrapping the belt uncomfortably firmly against my arm, like a snake. My anxious eyes looked at the needle, slowly being brought to my arm. Jim pressed a thumb against the curve in the middle of my arm, smoothing it out.
"Inhale as I press it in and then exhale okay?" I nodded.
"It'll be okay" he stroked my face with his other thumb. My heart slowed down, coming to the end of it's race, at this gesture. Jim looked back down at my arm as he lowered the needle. I breathed in deeply, shutting my eyes as the prick of it. I felt the liquid push itself into my body, squirming around, finding it's way up my arm. Exhaling, Jim removed the sharp needle. I heard him place it on the floor beside me before I opened my eyes. My whole body felt like jelly. My mind cleared from any tension I had been holding previously. Rays of the moon let itself into my room and spread all over Jim's face, lighting him up in front of me like a God to be worshipped. My eyes fell upon his heavenly face.
"God you're so beautiful Jimmy" I murmured, his lips twisting into that deathly handsome smile.
"Good stuff huh?" he laughed, eyes creasing at the sides. I bowed my head slowly, shoulders shaking as chuckles left my mouth. My whole body felt right. Everything around me felt right. It felt... almost euphoric. Like nothing in the world could touch me right now. I had missed this feeling. I felt my heart rate slow right down, my breathing catching slightly. It was all in a relaxed way.

I clambered onto my bed, lying in front of the window, eyes wide watching the night sky in front of me. Jim's body fell beside me, a gentle hand positioned in the curve of my back, his sapphire eyes burned into me. My head fell onto his shoulder. Jim's lips met my forehead. His lips felt like squeezing a marshmallow. They were more than soft. Better than I remember before.

We lay like that for a while in silence. The quietness was comforting and tender. In a flash, the small red thing in my chest began hammering like a chainsaw. It almost... hurt? I could feel my breathing becoming uneven.
"Jim" I wheezed out. Apparently Jim hadn't noticed yet because his watch was still intent on the sky.
"Isn't it gorgeous out there?" he spoke gently.
"Jim!" I cried out, panicking, pulling myself up onto my knees. It was like all the air in the room had been sucked out. It felt like my head was stuck in a plastic bag.
"Tilly? What's wrong?" Jim's voice came in clipped breaths. I could sense the fret rolling off of him. My chest was being crushed. I couldn't speak.
"WHAT'S WRONG? TILLY?" he screamed out, beginning to panic with me. His eyes scanned my body with fear, his veiny hands on my restless heart. He grabbed my shoulders, looking me dead in the eyes. I felt hazy, like my brain was slowly giving up. I noticed how he looked. He was terrified. Not as terrified as me. No. Everything was so right just now. How can it all be not right now?
"Lay down. Stay there. I'm going to call for help" his voice shook. I obeyed him immediately. It's not like I could go anywhere anyway. I wanted to lay down anyway. My body felt floppy and tired. The air was still feeling heavy and consuming. My heart catching, I lay down on the bed. I began feeling relaxed all of a sudden. Jim's hand gave one swift stroke of my hair, and one kiss on the forehead.
"You are not fucking leaving me Tils. You understand? Not now. Not fucking ever" he cried out, tears filling to the brim. His voice sounded muffled and half away as he shot over to the phone. I saw how hard his hands were shaking. How his fingers jabbed at the numbers so fast. I heard small pieces of what he was saying.
"911... Ambulance... Overdose... My girlfriend... Come quick"

My eyes began watering with sadness. The initial panic I felt had passed over me. I felt even more relaxed than before. A shaky breath left my mouth. Then a sour mixture came out. I heaved onto my bed. Heaviness took over my body. I struggled to keep my eyes open. Darkness pulled at them like tons of stones at once. As they were closing, I caught one small glimpse of Jim's angelic face in front of mine. Waterfalls of tears cascaded down his cheeks like Niagara Falls. He was crying. And it was all my fault. I was the one who wanted to do that stupid heroin. Not him. Me. And now I was fucking dying because of it.
"Oh Tilly. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry my wonderful girl. It'll be okay. Shhh don't cry. No c'mon it'll be alright. You are not going to die. Not on my watch. They'll help you" Was the last faded words I heard before an endless sleep called to me. The feeling of his soft touch on my forehead became lighter as I drifted away.