Addiction (Jim x Tilly - The Basketball Diaries fic)

Chapter 30. Gone

Jim
All three of us hurried into the room where Tilly was. Her body lay motionless, like an already dead corpse. My heart skipped a beat, and not in a good way. Even after explaining everything to Tilly's Mom, I still felt like I was partly to blame. Even after all the tears and anger she had pushed towards me, yet to take it back so suddenly, I knew this was half my own fault. I didn't try hard enough to stop Tilly from doing it. I just let her pay for that heroin and take it. How stupid I was.

I felt panic rising up in my body, tears swimming in my eyes like fishes. A hand clamped down on my shoulder, pulling me to the door, much to my confusion.
"We'll give you some time alone" my Mom looked from Ms Anderson as she led me out the door. I stared at Mom, hurt pushing out.
"That's her daughter Jim. Please... just let's give them some time alone first before you go in. Okay?" her dark eyes bore into mine. I felt myself shaking my head. It sounds so damn selfish, but I really hope she isn't too long in there. I need time with Tilly as well for God's sake. I've spent more time with her than her own Mom has ever spent with her in her entire life.

Mom and I sat side by side in the waiting room. Back out here on these knobbly chairs. A hammer was repeatedly whacking against me, leaving my heart painful. Short and rapid breaths left my body as I placed a hand on my chest to steady myself before Mom notices.
"So then" she began. I turned my head to meet hers. Fuckkkk this really isn't a conversation I want to have right at this precise moment.
"When were you going to tell me you were using again?". Her voice wasn't exasperated, neither was it chilled. I couldn't quite tell the emotion she was feeling right now. It half sounded like disappointment.

I felt a slow, heavy drop of a singular tear leave my eye, rolling down my cheek and splashing onto my leg.
"I'm sorry Mom" I spoke quietly, ashamed she had to find out this way.
We were silent for a moment.
"I love Tilly, you know that. But I'm just happy that person in there-" she raised a finger to point to the room Tilly was currently occupying.
"-isn't you again."
My brain thought for a moment, weighing up what to say in response.
"I know" I lifelessly breathed out. And that was that. Nothing more was said between us. We weren't exactly the best Mother and Son pairing. She loved me and I loved her. It was an unspoken fact. But we weren't exactly close. Not close enough to have a heart to heart whilst my girlfriend lays unconscious in the fucking hospital.

I watched the seconds on the clock tick by. The little hand taking forever to move, like a snail. After half an hour - a painfully colourless and long one - Ms Anderson exited the room, her eyes red rimmed and a look of soreness in her face. I jumped to my feet like a cheetah, hope blossoming inside of me.
"You can go and see her now" was the only thing I heard her speak as I brushed past her knitted jumper and into the room, accidentally slamming the door behind me in my speed. I winced a little, and then turned my head to the girl who was laying in the bed, wires coming out of her left,
right and centre. Her blonde hair had it spread itself all around the pillow. I studied the dusting of freckles across her smooth cheeks like chocolate sprinkles, partly covered by the nasal cannula shoved up her beautiful upturned nose. Her lips were no longer cherry red radiant, but now a dull blue-ish grey colour. They reflected how this whole moment felt.

I moved slowly over to her, bending down to press a light kiss on her forehead before lowering myself into the chair next to the bed. I looked up at the machine on the other side, letting out a constant and measured beeping sound to signal the fact she was still alive. Miraculously.
I took ahold of her dainty hand. It was still so soft. I stroked her palm with my finger, taking care not to jolt or move the IV wire stuck into the upside of her hand. Dams of a waterfall threatened to fall from my eyes. This girl laying before me looked hurtfully sick. And I had been one to play a part in that. Once again, my breath quickened, my heart thrusting itself against my rib-cage. I didn't want to have a panic attack. Not here. I didn't want to make this about me, when it was about my gorgeous girl. I closed my eyes, still hand in hand with Tilly, and inhaled deep breaths in and out until my heart rate slowed. The skin on skin contact with her right now was a calming sensation, even if the sight of her wasn't.

"So this is what I looked like to you huh?" I joked, attempting a small laugh. I waited, almost holding my breath for a response that she'd heard me. Nothing but an empty void of silence replied. I blew out a long breath, glancing up at the machine.
My shoulders began to shake as the gates to the floods of tears opened. I shook as I spoke.
"Tilly I am so so sorry. I don't know how to fix this this time..." my voice trailed off as I felt a small movement from underneath my hand. I looked down to see her finger jolting slightly before going back to how it was before. I swear my whole body jumped in excitement. Did this mean she heard me? Was she reaching out to me, giving me a sign? Endless possibilities filled my head with joy as I sprung to my feet, moving towards the door to get her Mom.
"I'll be right back" I smiled at her, taking one small look at the machine again. This time, noticing how her heart rate had dropped 10 beats. My mind was still whirring with exhilaration for me to even notice this was wrong. Something was so wrong.

I slipped my hand out of hers, practically becoming a bouncing bunny as I made my way to the door before I heard one singular sound I will never forget. Never. It pierced through my skin, cut me deeper than shards of glass. An intensifying shrill of one non-stopping beep surrounded the room. Horrified, I turned back, running to Tilly's side. Panic took over and filled my body.

"HELP! WE NEED HELP!" I screamed my heart out, throwing the door open and almost yanking it off it's hooks. Doctors and nurses ran from all directions, shoving past me into the room. I looked over to Ms Anderson's direction to see a terrified expression laid on her face. She was frozen in alarm. My eyes locked on Tilly, I retreated to a corner of the room, like the grim reaper hisself.
Frantically, my eyes watched the way the room became charged with wildness. Doctors and nurses all over her body. Medical equipment being handed around. Touching every part of her in an attempt to steady her again. To bring her back to the same planet as us.

I sobbed silently in the corner. I doubt anyone knew or even cared I was there.
The same doctor and nurse was taking turns at pushing on her chest, attempting to retrieve her now still heart. That little red thing in her chest, as she called it. Everyone flurried around her continuously as the high pitched beep shrieked, almost drowned out by the buzzing in my ears. Minutes passed by as the doctors and nurses continued to work tirelessly.

My whole body jolted with fear, my heart covered in tiny pins and needles, popping and bursting it achingly, as I heard three far away words being pronounced by one of the doctors in a low voice.
"Time of death..." he said. I didn't have time to hear the rest before I was out the door, screaming and screaming and screaming for Tilly. For her to wake up. For her to come back to me.