Make You Stay (Book 2 of You Trilogy)

Kabanata 33

Sometimes, when we are used to pain, our minds create a program which makes us believe in something that constantly breaks us. Nagmahal na ako at naloko. Minahal ko si Blue at minamahal ko pa. I am still here, stuck. Moving on. Hindi makausad-usad. In my case, it was stuffs like that. 

Akala ko... there's no way out of the darkness. Eight years, eh. Tapos mauuwi sa cheating? Minahal ko ng sobra, eh. Tapos lolokohin lang pala ako? Heartbreak was indeed an understatement to describe it all. At some point, nawalan na ako ng pag-asang maka-move forward. Pabalik-balik nalang kase. Sasaya saglit, tapos maaalala na naman. Ngingiti saglit, pero maya-maya'y maluluha na naman.

On top of it all, akala ko matapos ang lahat... mahihirapan na akong magmahal ulit. Akala ko... hindi na ako magmamahal ulit.

Akala ko lang pala. Vince proved me wrong. Kase kung mahirap magmahal ulit, bakit mabilis ko siyang minahal?

Yes. Finally, at least to myself, I have the guts to admit it. I am inlove with Vincent. 

Kung kailan nawawalan na ako ng pag-asa, saka naman kami nagtagpo. I guess... even when we didn't have the nicest introduction... what happened, happened in the perfect time. 

While I was busy thinking I am lost, he found me. While I was busy thinking I am not enough, he saw my worth.

Even when I was covered with bruise and scars, he looked into what I had inside and embraced me as a whole. He saw me, as a whole. He stared at me like I wasn't broken at all. He made feel... like after everything, I am enough. And I wasn't not good enough. Sapat ako. Sumapat, sapat at sasapat. 

Oo, naaalala ko lahat ng sinabi niya sa'kin noong gabing 'yun. Noong gabing ipinagtapat ko sa kanya ang mapait kong nakaraan. I clearly remembered it all. It played like a broken cd in my mind. I just... didn't have the guts to face it.

Natakot ako. It was so hard for me to tell other people my story but I told Vince... easily. Isa lang ang naiisip kong dahilan. Iyon ay dahil... sa kabila ng trust issues ko, nagtiwala ako sa kanya. Iyong security... naramdaman ko kay Vince. It scared me. His effect on me... scared me so much. Kase alam ko... itanggi ko man ay alam ko na kung magpapadala ako sa epekto niya sa'kin, mabilis akong mahuhulog. Which did happen. 

Sinubukan kong supilin... pigilan... waksiin, pero hindi, eh. Minahal ko na talaga siya. The more I tried to avoid it, the more I fell. Kaya para saan pa ang pagpapanggap? Para saan pa ang pagtanggi? Kung umpisa pa lang talaga, nahuhulog na ako kay Vince. 

Nakadepende rin pala talaga sa'tin ang pagmo-move-on. Kung hindi natin bibigyan ang ating mga sarili ng pagkakataong makausad, then why wish for a better tomorrow? At the end of the day, no matter how inevitable change is, the choice is with us. Kung hahayaan nating mabago ang nararamdaman o hindi. Kung hahayaan nating umusbong ang panibagong pagmamahal o hindi. Minsan kase, gustuhin man nating makausad, kung hindi natin hahayaan ang sarili natin, wala rin talagang mangyayari. 

I find it hard to recognize, honestly. To finally think of it all in. But right now, I don't want to be so hard on myself. I am not yet ready for a relationship but I am no longer stopping myself from loving Vince. Hindi ko rin naman talaga kayang pigilan. Kase kung kaya ko, hinding-hindi na ito uusbong pa. Matibay talaga, eh. 

Funny how I am having all these thoughts right now when just earlier, I busied myself thinking I don't like Vince because I can't. Funny how his 'mahal kita' made my doubts vanish. He made me feel so sure. 

Wala pa nga, kakaibang kapayapaan na ang naramdaman ko. 

"Vince?" marahan kong tawag.

Halos mapapikit ako nang marinig ang sarili. At that moment, I knew something has changed. I am willing to let loose now.