My person

3

Have you ever felt the anxiety you get before taking a big test? Maybe you studied really hard for it, but you still feel like you don't know any of the material.

Now multiply that feeling by 1,000 and rather than it being over a test, it's over the littlest things possible, and it's basically constant.

That's the feeling that I am feeling right now.

I go about my day feeling good, amazing. I feel like everything passes really well, and that I don't have too much discomfort. But then, my brain decides to fuck me over and say, "fuck you, bitch".

From that moment, it's a roller coaster.

My chest? It's supposed to be flat, but it's not. What are these lumps of fat doing there? Rip them off of me.

There is a penis down there. Even though I find it the best part of me, it shouldn't be there. I am a girl, or I don't know what I am but everyone just assumes that I am and my parents gave me this gender at the age of 10. So therefor, I shouldn't have a penis, it's not normal.

My height? I'm too high to be a girl, but too short to be a boy. Who will ever take me seriously?

Why is there so much fat on my face? I don't look like a boy. I don't look like a girl. How am I ever supposed to discover which gender I wanna be, if I don't look like anything.

Why do I sound like I am 10? My voice is supposed to be lower. I'm never going to pass as a boy. And I am never going to pass as a girl, hence my voice should be higher.

Why do I have to be intersex? Why can't I just be one gender?

And like that, I am crying in front of the mirror, looking at my disgusted naked body.

Am I a boy? Am I a girl? Why don't I know it? Why do I feel more like a boy one moment and then the other moment all my feelings have changed and I feel normal?

I've been feeling like this for a couple of years now. Never doing something about it. Too scared to fuck my life even more up. I'm already not normal, I shouldn't make it even worse because of my feelings. I should think of my parents, what they would think, how their reputation would change, how they would think of me, how other people would think of me. I can't be an more disgrace for my family than I already am.

Last month, right before I came to UCLA, I bought a binder. I did it then because I knew I would leave not long after that, and my parents wouldn't be able to see it anymore.

I've never tried it before. I don't know if it's going to make my dysphoria even worse, I don't know if it's going to make it better. I do admit, that most of the time I feel more like a boy than I feel like a girl. But still, I just don't know anything anymore.

I sigh and rub my face. The mirror is damped because of the hot water of the shower. I clean the mirror and look at my naked body. My breasts aren't really big, but they're still there. I don't really want them. I dry my body, making sure everything is really dry and then decide to try on the binder. Putting it on was a misery. It's really difficult. It wouldn't cooperate with me and I kind of got stuck, but eventually it worked out.

It kind of looks good. Nothing to see now.

This was the first time I've actually saw myself flat chested. I kinda wanna cry? I actually somewhat feel connected to the person in the mirror, and feel this really sudden deep sense of euphoria. I really wasn't anticipating feeling anything, but man it really hits me. It just feels right. I wish I can wear it longer, but Mal is going to come back to our dorm and I still need to figure out how I can get out of this.

-

"What are we going to do?", I question Mal during our practice, even though I know she doesn't know it since, ya know she isn't our coach, but still I wanted to start a conversation.

I tug on the sleeve of my sweatshirt. Although it is warm, I decided to keep it on. I found out that wearing the binder really helped me figure out that I want a flat chest. And now I am kind of scared to just walk around in a T-shirt. Especially during training. I get really sweaty and if there is a little breeze, my T-shirt sticks on my skin, making everything even more noticeable. It's the worst.

"I dunno. I think maybe scrimmages, since we do that every practice", Mal chuckles a little and brushes a loose piece of hair out of her face.

I look at my best friend and the way her eyes lit up every time she talks about soccer. You can tell that she is really passionate about it. It's really cute actually. She is really cute.

Coach eventually called us over to do scrimmage. So Mal was right. This is the first time being here that I am put in a team with Mal. I am excited to play with her. She is really great and I feel like we could get along on the field really good as well. We kind of have this connection and I hope that it's there on the field too.

We start the game. Teagan passes me the ball when she sees that I am free. I see Mal run further and without her saying what she is going to do, I just know that I have to kick the ball further for her to get it. She heads it into the goal, making it 1-0 for us. We cheer and she hugs me.

After some time my team won with 3-0 with me scoring and Mal scoring twice. We have a really great connection on the field.

"If you two play together, we will be unstoppable", Jessie chuckles as she tries to catch her breath.

I just laugh and shake my head, feeling grateful for the distraction I get know. I still don't know what to do with myself.

-
What do you think of it right now? Should I continue?