My person

16

I sigh deeply as I lay awake, once again. Before all these negative thoughts started, I slept as long as I could. Now, I just lay awake most of the time. It's really annoying. I need my sleep.

I roll out of bed and get changed into some short, T-shirt and a sweatshirt. I put on my shoes and walk out of the room, closing the door softly behind me. I walk to the gym room, doing the same route I do almost every morning.

I start the same routine as I do almost every time I am in the gym. I put on my headphones, put some music on start to lift weights.

I grunt as I try to lift the weight. It is hot in here and I am sweating very hard, yet I still don't take off my sweatshirt. I'm afraid that if I take it off, everything will be visible. I don't want that. I try to push myself harder without taking off my sweatshirt.

After five minutes I throw the weight on the ground frustratedly. I wipe away tears from frustration out of my eyes.

I jump when someone lays their hand on my shoulder. I turn around and see Christen standing there, smiling softly at me.

"What's wrong?", she asks softly as she pulls my headphones of my head.

"Nothing", I sniff and wipe away my tears.

"Come on", she pulls me behind her. We take the elevator up the stairs to go to the roof. We sit down on the edge behind a bar. "Tell me what's going on?".

"Okay", I nod. I know I can tell her anything. She won't judge. I just don't know how to start. How do I explain that I want to be something else than I actually am?

"I think I am trans. I know Mal told you guys that my roommate took pics of me... but you don't know of what. I uh... I am intersex so uh I have a penis, but I also have breasts, ya know. And one day she came into my bathroom while I was showering. She took pic of my penis. She even touched it Christen! I felt so violated. I still do!", I shout as I wave my arm's frustratedly. "I don't even know what she is going to do with the pictures. And on top of that, I don't even feel comfortable in my own skin. My penis is practically the best part of me, but I feel like it's a burden. I am a girl! That's the gender my parents gave me. I just- I can't-"

I start sobbing violently. "And I try to wear binders to make me feel better. But I just feel like I am cheating. I already have it better than other trans guys. I can't complain when I already have an advantage"

"Y/nn listen, it doesn't matter that you have an "advantage", you still have the right to feel the best you can. If you want to wear binders because it makes you feel good, then do it! Just be who you wanna be. You have the right to do that. Nobody is going to like you less for it. You have an amazing personality".

We talk a little bit further and she reassures me that she doesn't hate me and that the others won't hate me either. She convinces me to wear my binder, even is it for just a day. I agreed.

"Wait Christen- There is something else", I say and hold her from walking away. "I think I like Mallory".

I blush furiously and rub the back of my neck nervously.

"I know. Everybody knows", Christen laughs softly. "Everyone besides Mal herself. Just give it time, Y/nn".

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, after talking to Christen.

Gender dysphoria pre-transition/before I came out, even though it was only Christen, it felt like being in a dream where I was experiencing the world from someone else's perspective, and I am, on some level, aware that I am looking through someone else's eyes, but nobody else seems even suspicious of that fact, and I can't bring myself to just say it either because of fear and/or because I am not sure how to put it into words. It's a very surreal feeling, like I am not myself but yet I also am, like being stuck in a perpetual state of playing pretend and I can't make it stop, I can only watch as the world goes by around me.

I just hope, I will find happiness. And I hope I will find it soon.

-

I throw my head back and laugh loudly at the joke Rose just told us. It was a silly joke, but still.

I am wearing my binder right now and I have to say, I feel better. Almost complete even. It feels really good. I don't really know how to describe it. I know the others can see that I am happier than the past couple of days. They are joking more with me, involving me into their pranks. I really feel like I have made friends and that these are the right people.

"I know a joke", I say as I sit up straight ready to tell my joke.

"Why can't dinosaurs clap?"

"Because their arms are too shor-"

"Because they are all dead", Kelley interrupts me.

"That's depressing dude", I pout at her. Mal laughs loudly. She wraps her arms around my shoulder as she leans on it. I beam at her in awe. She is really cute and beautiful.

I look at the others, seeing everyone happy and talking with one another. These are my friends now. My family even. Maybe I can tell them. But just not right now. I should figure everything out even more before I tell others about it. If I tell them, it will become too real.

I move my eyes towards Christen, who was already looking at me. She and Tobin were talking softly while sometimes looking at me. I know, she told her. I told her she can tell Tobin. I know she will accept me.

I give her a bright smile and give her thumbs up. Everything is alright.

For now.