My person

19

I pant as I run for my life after the ball. I get there before Alex and push the ball further to the direction of the goal. I dribbel forward, avoiding Ali. I pass the ball to Christen, letting her do the rest. She kicks the ball into the goal. We celebrate, giving each other a high five and then return to our places.

Practice has been hell. I hadn't slept well and we have an early practice. It's kicking my ass. I'm tired as hell.

Coach blows her whistle, letting us know scrimmages are over. We gather around her, waiting for the next instructions.

"Run 5 laps around the field and than go take a shower. This is the last thing before practice is over"

We all start running. Some slower than others. And a couple of us running in the front. I sprint those five laps, wanting to get it done quickly. I pass everyone, but don't look back.

I stop in front of the trainers. They are talking to each other. "Well done, Y/n", Jill pats me on the back. I breathe in deeply and nod at her.

"Can we talk?", I ask Dawn. Since she is in control of our medical stuff, I want to ask her questions about me being trans and stuff. Even though it means admitting everything about me, I still think it's a good idea to talk to someone with more experience.

"Yes of course. Follow me", she leads us to a nurses room where a bed is placed in the corner of the room. We both sit down on a chair. "What did you want to talk about?".

I take a deep breath, preparing myself for the worst. "Well you know I am intersex, but I think I am trans and I just wanted to ask some questions".

I tell her about how I don't feel comfortable in my skin and that it took a long time before I figured out that it wasn't about that I am intersex, but because I don't feel like a girl. I tell her that in the future I want to change the gender on my passport and my pronouns. I talk about wearing a binder. I talk about everything that has been troubling me, finding comfort in the older woman.

She tells me that it's best I don't wear a binder during any exercise, so not during practice or during a match, because the pressure of the binder wouldn't be good for the oxygen and blood through my body.

I understand that, it just really annoying that it's always hot during match or practice, meaning that I have to wear a T-shirt only, otherwise I would be too hot and can faint in cause of that.

I hate the feeling of the thin fabric of my shirt pressing against my body, knowing that everything is on display for the others. I know it's normal that I have breast, but still. I don't want them. I hate seeing my own body in the mirror. Just having to look at it everyday, seeing something that I hate the most about myself.

I have had people tell that I am a disgrace and a freak for not being one gender. Even though my parents assigned me the female gender as soon as we discover that I am intersex. They always wanted a girl, but they had me. All the people who knew about me, which aren't a lot, but like family members or friends of my parents told me that I need to decide what I want to be.

I was eleven years old back then. How could I know what I wanted to be. My parents chose for me. I didn't really get a say in it. They just changed my whole room to pink and princesses themed. They threw away all my old clothes and bought me clothes from the girls section. Whenever I said that I didn't like something, like a pink shirt or something, they told me it's because I was used to wearing other stuff. That was not true. I just didn't feel like myself in dresses and skirts.

The moment I had earned some money myself, I bought clothes that fit my style. I bought hoodies, sweatshirt and stuff like that.

I hated the fact that I always had to hide my penis. The best part about me. Nobody could know about it, because it was 'disgusting'. Whenever we had P.E. In school they always placed me by the girls. I didn't belonged there. I wanted to be with the boys. But nobody understood me.

"Thank you", I smile softly at her. "For everything".

"Of course. You're always welcome here to talk, Y/nn. But I still think you should talk to someone more qualified in this", she tells me as she leads me out of the door.

"Yes of course. I will look into it", I walk out of the door, leaving her behind in her office. When I turn around, I see Ashlyn standing there with tears in her eyes.

"Y/nn", she walks towards me. "I'm sorry. I heard everything. I just...I'm so sorry".

She pulls me into a hug. I tell her it's okay and that I trust her with this.

"So you're intersex? What does that mean?", she asks carefully.

"I... I have a penis. I was born with it. Basically, they thought I was a boy when I was born but later on I started to grew breasts", I answer, trying to make it easy for her to understand.

"Ow that's cool I guess. I hadn't heard of it before", she says. I nod, not a lot of people know about it. "Does the team knows?".

I shake my head. "I am planning on telling them though. I just don't know when is a good time".

She nods her head, thinking about it. "What about, Ali and I organise a team bonding tomorrow night and you can tell them then?".

I nod my head, thanking her. I tell her it is alright for her to tell Ali. I know they tell each other everything and Ali won't judge me.

I am just happy I can trust them and they will help me. They are really good friends.