Behind the Fame

Distant

Sara

My back is facing her but I know she is crying by the door. I want to run to her but I can't. I want her to come to me but also a part of me does not want her to do so. I am so confused. I am so lost. I know it pains me hearing her cry but my body just shut down with the news of me being pregnant. Again. For the same fucking reason! All I want now is to disappear from the face of the earth.

Sure, I wanted more children. I wanted to be pregnant again. But with Jessica. I want this supposed wonderful feeling be with Jessica and not anyone else, certainly not out of rape!

I really don't know what to do. I know I have my options. I can keep this, put it up for adoption, or have it terminated. Anyway, it's just been a month. It's just basically blood or something.

A thousand things run through my mind that I cannot seem to silence. I know I have to talk to Jessica. I need to let her in. This is not fair to her. Her sobbing makes it more difficult. She does not deserve this.

Fuck! What am I going to do?!

I slowly turn to look at her and when I did, I saw her crying while staring at me. Our eyes locked for a moment until she stood up. As soon as she took her first step, I turned back to not face her and asked her to go away.

"Sara...." She said as I hear her take another step forward.

"Go away, please." I softly said, with my body shaking.

"Sara..." Another step but this time her voice was shaking, I know tears were threatening to fall again from her eyes.

"Just go away Jessica..." I sternly said, almost emotionless.

"Sara please..." She begged in between her sobbing.

I turned to face her, looked her deep in her eyes and shouted, "I SAID GO AWAY!!!"

She froze for a moment and in that same moment I curse myself silently and regretted what I said and how I reacted. I was about to open my mouth to say something but she turned and ran out of our room, slamming the door behind her.

I can hear her crying until the door to the room across the hall opened and closed.

I laid back down sobbing until I fell asleep.

Jessica

I know I have to be strong for Sara. I know, in my heart, and I want to believe that whatever hurtful things she says and does during this period is not meant. She is hurt. So hurt. That hurt is what makes her behave this way. But, I am only human. I get hurt too. No matter how much I convince myself that her anger is not directed towards me or caused by me, I am the one taking all the fall back of everything that happened. So I react the safest way I know how and just cry and not add spark to the flame.

I want to be there for and with her but she keeps pushing me away. I know she needs time and space to process everything so I will give her that. I ran to one of the spare rooms we have at home and decided this will be my room for now until she is ready to let me back in.

I lay on the bed and cried myself to sleep.

I wake up to a throbbing headache, maybe from all the crying. I looked at the clock on the night stand and it ready 5:30AM. I decided to take a shower but I remembered all my clothes are still in our room. I creeped in silently to gather some clothes and my toothbrush and headed back to the other room.

I freshened up and as I looked at myself through the mirror, and I see the aftermath of all the crying from my usually big eyes. I sigh and went out of the bathroom to change.