Behind the Fame

Without You

Sara

It's been a week since I gave birth and we've been at home after 24 hours as both him and I were okay wit no complications. Jessica has been hands on taking care of him, our parents coming in alternately to help out especially with Luke and Sofia. I still could not look at the baby, not even hold and nurse him. I know and I can see the frustration in Jessica's eyes but she is trying to be strong. Again. Here we go again.

I can hear him cry from the nursery for the past 5 minutes and Jessica has been trying to clam him down, singing to him, rocking him, trying to feed him and all that. I know she is exhausted and frustrated but she is really doing her best to stay calm. I know I am at it again, shutting things off. I am scared she'd get sick again but I just can't seem to bring myself to help her out with that baby.

I hurt for myself and for the baby. I know nothing about this is his fault but every time I remember the baby's face when I first saw him, everything came flashing right back, as if it just happened yesterday. I pain is still so fresh and real.

"Shhh, Baby. Mommy is here... Please hush now please..." I heard Jessica plead as the baby continued to cry.

I heard footsteps coming towards out bedroom and as I expected, Jessica came in with the baby and went to my bedside and pleased, "Sara, please help me out here, please!"

"I really want to, I do but I can't. I don't know why the mere presence of that baby makes me freeze and just loose it. A part of me feels like if I hold him and look at him, I might take it all out on him."

"That's not true, Sara. He's your baby. Our baby. You can't possibly have those thoughts in your mind."

"I know but... Please just get him out. My entire being is rejecting him. I don't want to, believe me but I can't control it. I just can't. So please. Just get him out."

Jessica had tears in her eyes as she turned to leave.

Jessica

I don't know what to do anymore. I am doing and trying my best here. Doesn't she think this is not hard for me? I perfectly know what she is saying. Does she think that I don't see him in Matteo? He is, truth be told, a spitting image of that bastard but I choose to look past and beyond that and look at our son just as how I look at his older siblings. I try my best to look for Sara in him instead. Like how his eyes are just as chocolate brown, his raven hair, how he wrinkles his forehead when frustrated. Those I focus on instead.

Finally, after what seems like hours of rocking and singing, Matteo is now asleep. I am so exhausted I threw myself down on the couch in his nursery and closed my eyes, contemplating on what to do. It seems things are falling apart and I can't seem to hold it together. The person who's supposed to help me is what's making this a challenge.

Don't get me wrong, I really understand and I am trying my best to do so. But what I can't seem to wrap my head around on is, why can't she look past this? For Matteo? For Luke and Sofia? For me?

I decided to take this time to talk to Sara again. I won't let her shut me out again, let alone shut Matteo out. I walked to our bedroom and saw her sitting in our bed, leaning on the headboard, staring into space.

I stopped by the door and leaned on the door frame and whispered, "I miss you..."

"I miss you too Baby..." Sara answered genuinely and motioned for me to climb up the bed with her. I happily obliged and as soon as I sat beside her, I cupped her face with both my hands and kissed her passionately.

Sara deepened the kiss and she gently pushed me back to lie down, without breaking the kiss. She is now on top of me kissing my mouth with lust and hunger. She started kissing me on my neck and went to my ear and whispered, "I'm so wet for you, Baby..."