Behind the Fame

Forgiveness

Sara

It's been two weeks since Jessica and the kids left. I am really doing my best to heal. I've been to therapy every single day, paying for the therapist's whole afternoon session just to expedite this shit I am in. I miss my kids; God I miss Jessica. I cannot eat, sleep, breathe, without her.

I know Elena was to fly over there today to be with them and help her out. I really appreciate her doing this for my family and I owe her so much for dropping everything here until things are back to normal.

Both mine and Jessica's parents and the rest of her siblings constantly check on me and I am beyond blessed that they completely understand my current state of mind. They never failed to show me all their love and support.

Jessica always sends me videos of the kids. All three of them. It really melts my heart seeing Jessica being the best mother to our children. I know I let her down and I promised to make it better and make things right. I have failed her too many times but she stuck by me, and continued to love me. She deserves better.

I sent her a song for her to wake up to later.

🎶 I should've brought my love home, baby I ain't perfect you know. Pride has got a tight hold. Girl come back to me cause Baby you made it hard to breathe when you're not with me. Tell me how do I breathe without you here by my side? How will I see, when your love brought me to the light? Where do I go, when your heart's where I lay my head? When you're not with me, how do I breathe? 🎶

After sending the song, I went on my day to do errands. I skipped therapy today for something important I had to attend to. As I was about to hop in my car, I got a voice message from Jessica.

🎶 These covers may keep me warm at night but they can't take your place cause they never gonna hold me tight. And these pillows, they let me rest my head but they can't say goodnight and tuck me in before I go to bed. These lips are missing you cause these lips ain't kissing you. These eyes put up a fight but once again these tears always win. These arms are wanting you cause these arms ain't holding you. These eyes put up a fight but once again, these tears always win. 🎶

Jessica

Elena was coming in today and I am just so thankful. It's been two weeks and Sara has been diligently going through therapy. I honestly feel bad that I'm not there to be with her through this but all of us, parents, siblings, even the therapist said that it would be better if Sara would do this alone. She needs to process this without having that feeling of progress and then go back home and see Matteo, which could lead for her to relapse. So, I am trying to hold it up.

My Mom and Dad are picking Elena up from the airport. The children are with my brother, Sawyer, and won't be returning them until tomorrow. That'll give me some time to catch some sleep and bond with Elena when she arrives.

I checked the time and her plane should have just landed. I have about an hour to relax in a warm bath. I got in the tub, a bottle of wine with me, I probably drank half of the bottle before I started to feel tears fall from my eyes. I found myself talking to myself while crying heavy tears.

"Why are you stupid Jessica? You cannot just run away when things become hard. Matteo needs you but Sara needs you too! Sara needs me too... Oh God! I let the love of my life alone and let her go through this without me. What kind if wife am I?! Well we're not married yet and I doubt she still wants to marry me after I let her down on the most darken days in her life. Oh Sara... My love.. My life... I am so sorry... Can you forgive me? I was so focused on Matteo that I did not stop and think that you need me just as much. I don't deserve to be called your wife. Oh, our children... Our beautiful children... Luke, Sofia, Matteo... What would they think of me when they find out that I left their Mama alone? Will they hate me? Of course, they will! Sara......" I sobbed harder with the mention of her name.