Subway of Cyberspace (a love beyond internet) ✓

30

Chapter 30

HINDI ko alam kung bakit ang aga ko magising. The sun is not yet up when I woke up and notice Solitaire wasn't beside me.

He didn't accept the lighter. He didn't touch me.

He just kiss me. He put the lighter again beside me.

It was kinda disappointing but it was clear enough to hit my head what exactly he told me that night.

"I don't want to touch you, I don't want you letting me touch you just because you are sad. I feel like I'm raping you because you're not in your senses in doing so. I feel like harassing you. Sleep beside me and hug me if you're sad, hindi ako parausan ng negative feelings."

I feel like he's mad at me. On our first meet, I touched him because I was sad. I left him like a whore and when I found out that he will be the substitute for Jeremy, I treated him badly. Is he mad at me?

Napaupo lang ako sa edge ng kama saka naglaan pa ng ilang minuto doon. Thinking about what happened last night.

I make everything clear. Inaakala ko talaga na hahampasin ko s'ya i ibubuhos ko lahat ng grudges ko sa pagmumukha n'ya habang umiiyak at sinasabi ang saloobin ko. Magically, I get to explained what I want to express in a calm way with ranging thunders on my back.

Also, he's asking if he can't start over again.

What does he mean? He will start to chat me and act like a teenager? Pass. If he meant, he'll fix everything and prove himself, I might need cooperation. I did something bad too. We both went wrong. But still, I have something inside me that holds me back and at the same time longs for him. I don't know. Maybe for the reason, I still want everything clear. Hindi pa ako nalilinawan eh. Ayoko pa s'yang i-entertain ulit. Ayoko maulit. I don't know naguguluhan ako.

Sumasakit ang ulo ko kakaisip ng mga bagay-bagay. Nakakinis. Mabuti pa mag work out na lang ako. Maaga pa naman, anon kaya kung mag jogging ako sa labas? Pampaalis lang ng iniisip. Nakakainis kase.

Then, it settled. Napagdesyunan kong mag jogging na nawalan din ako ng gana kase pababa pa lang ako, naamoy ko na ang malinamnam na amoy ng ginigisang kanin. Pagbaba ko, I saw Solitaire on still on his pajama cooking sinangag. May hinain na s'yang ham at porch eggs. May dalawang plato sa table na para bang iniaasahan n'ya talaga akong makasama kumain. Ewan pero napahawak ako sa tiyan ko, nagutom ako bigla.

Natapos s'ya magluto at saka n'ya pinatay yung kalan. Sakto namang tumunog yung tiyan ko ng pagkalakas-lakas kaya s'ya napatingin sa direksyon ko. Ako, gusto ko lang kainin ako mismo ng lupa dahil sa kahihiyan. Shuta, magmumukha akong patay gutom.

"Sakto gising mo." Bati n'ya saka pumunta sa coffee maker at nagsalin nito sa dalawang tasang maliit.

"Parang alam mong gigising talaga ako ah." Pang-aasar ko saka naglakad papunta sa lamesa at naghila ng isang upuan.

Nilagay n'ya ang isang tasa sa may pwesto n'ya kung saan s'ya uupo at ang isa naman ay sa akin saka s'ya tumawa ng mahina. "Na feel ko lang."

Naglakad s'ya muli papunta sa kalan tas naghain ng sinangag.

Solitaire help me to put some in my plate saka s'ya naman. Sumimsim ako ng kape para naman magising ako ng bongga. Like wise, nung dumaloy na ang kape sa lalamunan ko, sinapian uli ako ng kaluluwa.

Tahimik kaming kumain. He's always looking on my direksyon. Siguro dahil isang salamin na see through ang nasa likuran ko na kita ang bakuran kong may bermuda grass, little plants, bakod na tama lang ang taas at ang ink blue pang umaga. I started to get uncomfortable sa mga titig n'ya isa pa, nahahalata ko, ang lalaki na rin ng isinusubo at mukhang natatawa s'ya kung gaano ako kagana kumain.