DWEO : Zhanyi MPREG

9. The One

Zhan POV

I don't know how long I've spent in my study doing nothing but staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out what just happened. Yibo got me rid of a girl I've been trying to dodge my whole life in one day. I chuckled at the look on Michelle's face at some of the things Yibo said to her.

I was still unsettled at how Yibo could see that I wasn't interested in Michelle but be completely blind to how much I wanted him. Okay, maybe that was my own fault for being so cold to him for the past week, but I only did it in a useless attempt to get him out of my system.

What an epic fail I thought to myself.

He expressed no warmth towards me, while he drove me crazy every second of every day. I tried to stay away from him and not stare at him unless I couldn't help it. I didn't want him to think I was an obsessed psycho. I smiled to myself.

He was in every thought I had, my whole world now seemingly revolved around him alone. I had to be honest with myself that my feelings for him went deeper than lust. I had to face the possibility that Michelle was right; I was in love with him. I took a deep breath, admitting that felt good like a heavyweight has been lifted off my shoulders. For a moment I let myself feel everything.

I always thought I was incapable of loving someone again, for me not getting attached was the safe play. A way of protecting myself from ever feeling anything, for anyone; If I was honest with myself, I fell in love with him from the moment his picture appeared on Bill's monitor.

I was just too ignorant to realize that I never really had a choice in the matter. I chuckled without humor. Where do I go from here then? Things between us are strained at the moment; I'd be fortunate if he ever wanted anything to do with me. Did he care for me too? Well, he told Michelle that he did but that was all just an act.

I couldn't be sure, after he flinched away from my hand in the game room, it hurt me in ways I couldn't describe. He never flinched away from my touch before and I knew then that he didn't want me anymore.

Do I love him? Yes,

Do I want to be with him? Yes,

Would I put a ring on his finger? Without doubt.

But what kind of life could I offer him? What kind of husband could I offer him?

I was a CIA agent for heaven's sake! My world was too dangerous for him. I was too dangerous for him. If any of my enemies were to learn about him, they would try to use him against me. I shuddered. Already one of them had started plotting; I would never forgive myself if anyone hurt him. And would I tell him the truth? Would he still want to be with me regardless?

I had so many questions and no answers. I gave up and glanced at my clock, it was midnight; not knowing how I could've lost track of time.

 
Probably everyone was asleep now, and I needed a drink to take the edge off. I was hardly ever stressed to the point where I needed alcohol to relax, I hated its taste and effect. I always wanted to remain sharp; I guess one drink would help.