Surviving - Rewritten

Chapter Twenty Five - The Lonely

Cassandra Blake

On Monday, Cassie took a tablet before getting ready for school. She couldn't help but be excited to see Becky. She walked with Blaise and felt like she was on top of the world. She had another nightmare the night before, but it didn't matter; she was in the process of getting better and soon, they would be a thing of the past.

"Hi" Cassie greeted when she saw Becky by the gate.

Becky grinned at her "Stefan's taking me on a date tonight"

"Um, wow" Cassie replied, not really knowing what she was meant to say, and feeling a little upset that Becky hadn't asked her how she was. All she cared about was Stefan now, and Cassie knew that she should be happy for her. But, well, she wasn't she was jealous. Becky was Cassie's closest friend and she felt like Stefan was taking her away.

"Sorry, how are you? I didn't even ask you. I'm just so excited" Becky said as if reading Cassie's mind.

Cassie smiled, feeling bad for her previous thoughts. "I'm okay. I had a doctor's appointment at the weekend, and I've started anti-depressants. They won't work yet though"

Becky grinned at her as they walked to their lesson. "That's great Cassie, well done for getting help. I know its scary but I'm proud of you for doing it. You know, I'll always be there for you if you need me"

Cassie smiled, secretly wondering why she felt so empty and lonely when she had more people supporting her than ever before. "Thank you, Becky, the same goes to you. I love you like a sister. Now tell me more about this date"

"I love you too Cas. Now, we are going to that fancy restaurant in town, you know the Italian one? I still don't know what to wear, but you know I have a few things in mind" Becky rambled, blushing.

Cassie grinned as she saw how happy Becky was. She wondered if the thing missing in her life was a guy that could make her as happy as Stefan made Becky

-

Cassie woke up at three am every morning. It was like clockwork. In the last few weeks, she had taken the tablets every day and her nightmares had stopped. However, she always fell asleep around 11 and woke up at three. She had four hours sleep every night, and she knew that she should be grateful that she was sleeping at all, but she was so tired.

Becky and Stefan were very happy. Cassie was happy for them, but she was also feeling very left out as Becky never made time for her outside of school. Cassie felt bad for abandoning Becky before, for now she knew how she must have felt.

"You want to go shopping with me today?" Blaise asked Cassie as she looked through the draws for something to wear.

"No thanks" Cassie murmured, the thought of going outside making her feel sick.

Blaise groaned. "Cassie, you've not left the house in ages other than to go to school. I'm not taking no for an answer"

"Why ask then?"

"I was trying to be polite" Blaise bit out in frustration.

"Go without me – you'll have more fun" Cassie tried to persuade. No one enjoyed having her around anyway. She may as well not exist.

"Oh no, don't do the self-pitying thing. What's up with you, honestly Cassie? Are the tablets making you feel worse? They did for me at first too"

"What? You're on anti-depressants?"

"I didn't mean to bring that up, but I guess its time to be honest about it. Yes, I am and I know what you're going through Cassie, but you can't just give up. The insomnia and the numb feeling fades after a while and if they really are making you feel so bad talk to your doctor. I know how dark it can get on them at first"

"I-I know I'm probably just being dramatic. But I just feel so lonely and depressed. I didn't think I could get anymore depressed but somehow, I am. I don't understand why I'm not better. I have everything I've ever wanted" Cassie admitted, her eyes watering. She did notice though, that her hands weren't shaking as much as usual.

"Cassie, sometimes our minds just take a bit more time to catch up. I don't know exactly what you went through, but obviously it was traumatic and was happening for a long time. And after everything I put you through, it makes sense that you're still hurting. It's okay to not be better over night because that's just not how it works"

"Then what's the point? What if things don't get better?" Cassie cried, fear filling her mind like poison. A life in so much pain wasn't worth living, surely.

"Cassie, no. They do. Look, when my parents died, I became so depressed that I cut myself and cried myself to sleep every night. When I first went on anti-depressants, I tried to end my life. I'm not suicidal but they can make you feel like that before you get better. And remember, you're going to be having therapy too which will massively help. Now I'm going to be honest, its hard and it's a long road to recovery. But you have already come so far from where you were. Just because you are still struggling doesn't mean that you are never going to get any better"

"What if I'm never happy though? What if I'm incapable of it?" Cassie knew that she sounded stupid, but that was how she felt. Like happiness was something that everyone but her deserved.

"I get that feeling sometimes. But you need to make do with what you have and start appreciating every little thing you can. The world is really beautiful Cassie, but if you have your eyes closed you will never see it. Now there are going to be bad days because that's just life. But there will also be days so good that you go to sleep smiling and content. Those are the days that we live for, and as you get better there will be more of the good ones then the bad ones I promise. And, when that happens the bad ones will be more bearable. Until then though, I'm here for you"

Cassie wiped her tears before throwing her arms around Blaise "I'm lucky to have friends like you Blaise"

She heard Blaise let out a sob as she hugged Cassie back.