Surviving - Rewritten

Chapter Twelve - Anyone

Cassandra Blake

The following Friday Cassie went to school with only her earphones to keep her company on the way. She missed Becky but for some reason they hadn't spoken all week.

Becky had been avoiding Cassie and hadn't sat near her in lessons. At lunch and break times she seemed to vanish in thin air. Cassie told herself that she didn't care even though now, she needed her more than ever.

Blaise and Leah had been glaring at her for most of the week and she wasn't quite sure how they could still focus all their attention on hating her when their best friend had just passed away. Maybe they blamed her as well.

Once Cassie got to her first lesson and everyone was sat down, the head teacher came into the room and asked to talk to her.

Once they were out of the classroom, he handed her an envelope with her name on it.

"What is it?" She asked.

"Lucinda left you this. A few other students have received one too. I also just wanted to ask how you were doing. I didn't realize that you two were friends"

Cassie felt awkward as he stared at her, awaiting an answer. "I'm fine. Yeah, we were sort of friends" she answered, knowing that everything she had just said was a complete lie.

"Well, the school counsellor is available during breaks and lunches, and after school. All you need to do is ask to speak to her. She has an amazing psychology degree and has been doing this for over ten years. Helpline posters will be going up around the school soon"

"Thanks, but I'm doing okay. Is it okay if I go back to class now?"

Mr. Elliot nodded and Cassie quickly went back.

She didn't need to talk to anyone. She was fine.

-

Cassie got home early to an empty house. She made tea for her father and left it on the side. She knew that she should take the opportunity to eat but she just wasn't hungry. The thought of eating made her feel sick.

With a sigh, Cassie made her way up to her bedroom and put her schoolbag down at the side of her bed. She thought for a few minutes whether or not to read it before taking the letter out of her bag.

Her name was written messily on the envelope and she almost couldn't bring herself to read it. However, it was almost as though it was calling to her.

So, with a sigh, she tore open the envelope and began to read the last words she would ever have from Lucinda.

Dear Cassie,

I don't know what to say, except that I am so, so sorry. I have treated you terribly and have done terrible things.

I found my dad's journal when I was eight. It was a few days after the car crash, and I was heartbroken. My mum had been different and emotionally distant since that night and I didn't really understand anything other than the fact that my dad was gone, and I seemed to be losing my mum too.

When I got to the last part, I was angry. I was angry that he was going to leave my mother and angry that he had been lying to me. He was my idol and I loved him more than anything.

Sometimes, at night I would hear my mum and dad shouting at each other, but I thought that it was normal. My mum would always seem so happy around me that I never knew that anything was wrong. I'm not sure if my mum was in love with him or if she just feared being alone.

I had no one to turn to when everything happened, and I was too young to be able to cope with it all on my own. I told my friends at school that my dad had died. They had hugged me and said that they were sorry. I told them that it was your fault and that you caused the car to crash.

Of course, it wasn't. We were both children, and it was all out of our hands anyway. I should have been there for you and told you the truth. We could have helped each other.

As I got older, I had to take care of my mum more. She was all I had, and she was depressed. Eventually she started taking drugs and spending all of our money and we were put on benefits and in a tiny bungalow. She started bringing boyfriends home and I learned not to get in her way when one of them took advantage of me when I was thirteen. It happened a couple more times too so I started hiding in my room or going to Leah's when I could. No one knew about any of it.

Everything I felt, all the anger and sadness, I took it out on you. And I am so sorry.

And I just want you to know, that this, what I'm about to do is not your fault. It isn't anyone's really. I'm just tired. I'm fed up and I feel like the whole world is spinning. I just don't know how to do it anymore.

I really am sorry. For everything.

Love your sister,

Lucinda.

Cassie could feel her hands shaking as she continued to stare at the letter. A few of the words were smudged and she could tell that Lucinda must have been crying as she was writing it.

Everything was so overwhelming, and Cassie was unsure of how to go on. She slowly put the letter down before proceeding to make her way to the bathroom where she wiped away her tears.

Staring into the mirror she frowned. She was pale and skinny, and she knew that if she took her clothes off, she would find her skin littered with bruises. She opened the draw under the sink and stared at the razor, temptation over taking her. She took it out and stared at it for a few minutes before shaking her head and putting it back. Self-harm was ridiculous. It was romanticized and left scars that would be there forever. It was heart-breaking that people did it and believed that they deserved it, but Cassie was not going to be one of those people. There was no reason to add to her scars and her dad would be home soon to hurt her anyway.